Crabcake
@imitationBrachyura
I'M NOT SPENDING TIME FINDING A BANNER, FUCK YOU. ANY PRONOUNS. I DO NOT CARE. I COULD NOT CARE LESS, ACTUALLY. HI.
Your name is Karkat Vantas. Your life is almost unsettingly relaxed since the end of the game. So, you joined this site to give yourself something to do during the days you can’t sleep. ── · · ── · 🦀 · ── · · ── 「 Basic Info 」 Location ➜ Alt-Ternia / A post-game timeline where the trolls won their session! Heavily divorced from canon but I’m still aiming to keep it within the realm of plausibilities. This world is not perfect, far from, given it was made back when all the trolls were still barely teenagers but it’s a lot better than their home planet. Status ➜ Alive Physical Description ➜ Short (5’2”) and thin with a long torso. They’re somewhat androgynous with a feminine lean. Long, thick lashes. Black lipstick. Round face. Sharp teeth. Baggy shirt + baggy pant fan. Extra ➜ Agender (They/She/He). They’re far more mellowed out in their adult sweeps but still have a temper and some self loathing issues. 「 Quadrants 」 ♥︎: … ♠︎: … ♦︎: … ♣︎: … 「 Timeline 」 ⤷ No one else yet! ── · · ── · 🦀 · ── · · ── 「 Content Warnings 」 These will be tagged when necessary or asked. ⤷ NSFW, substance, canon-typical bigotry, tbh that might be it! 「 Boundaries 」 ⤷ Not comfortable with incest. Please don’t involve me or mention/rp it on my posts, even as a joke, ty! ⤷ DMs are open! If I’m posting but not replying I’m not ignoring you, just out of spoons and/or on mobile lol ── · · ── · 🦀 · ── · · ── (Artist: starsnores) https://i.ibb.co/84rnhn21/by-starsnores.jpg https://i.ibb.co/d0gfFGym/artist-starsnores.jpg #substance #nsfw
TONIGHT HAS BEEN SLUGGISH. I TRIED TO FIND SOMETHING TO READ BUT ENDED UP JUST MINDLESSLY SCROLLING THROUGH THIS NONSENSE SITE FOR MOST OF MY EMPTY PAN MOMENTS. NOW IT'S ABOUT TO BE DAYLIGHT AND I'M READY TO HIT THE CUPE BUT UGH. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T *REALLY* WANT TO SLEEP. ONE OF YOU SHOULD START SPOUTING HOOFBEAST SHIT SO I HAVE SOMETHING TO OBSERVE.
well that's no fun. for you, i mean. you should be able to have shenanigans when you want shenanigans!
I SHOULD, YES. MAYBE I SHOULD IGNITE MY OWN FIRE OF SHENANIGANS AND MAYHEM. I'M SURE IT'LL GO OFF WITHOUT A HITCH AND NOT LEAD TO THE DOOM OF ANOTHER PLANET... OKAY, TONES ARE REALLY HARD TO MAKE CLEAR OVER TEXT. I KEEP FORGETTING THAT. /J. IS THAT HOW YOU DO IT? TO PUT EMPHASIS ON MAKING A JOKE AND BEING FRIENDLY INSTEAD OF A WASTE STAIN? THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING WITH IT.
i try to use emotes personally, but yeah /j is definitely a thing people do. but if you're close to someone, you shouldn't need to do that, because they'll understand that you're joking!
omg ow!
THERE'S SOMETHING I COULD SAY HERE BUT I'LL HOLD MY TONGUE.
hey you can't talk, you're biting me right now!!!
of course you're keeping it up! this is what i signed up for, huh? it comes with the cuddles and sharing a hot beverage.
ALRIGHT. AFTER FINALLY MEETING A HUMAN IN PERSON I CAN ADMIT IF YOU’RE ALL THAT WARM/SOFT I’M JEALOUS. THIS IS ME PRAISING YOU. YOUR HAIR IS LIKE PURRBEAST FUR. WHY ARE YOU SO SOFT? WAS THERE AN EVOLUTIONARY ADVANTAGE TO THIS?
*tzzk* Yes. Humans are. Pack animals. Being soft... Makes it cosier. To be. In a pack. *sskh*
Ew. Humans.
*tzzk* Glad to. Help. It is also because. Of being mammals. Also. You may know a human who. Takes good. Care of their hair, too. *sskh*
i don't know, it could just be the whole mammal thing. like, we evolved from mammals. it means we're warm, covered in hair, can all produce milk, and have live births. i know some of that has some advantages over eggs, but not when it comes to numbers. i definitely don't know if the cozy factor is one of those advantages!
YOU... HAVE LIVE BIRTHS? THAT IS HORRIFYING. DAYMARE FUEL. MAYBE THAT'S WHY YOU'RE ALL SO SOFT, YOU HAVE TO BE TO NOT HURT YOURSELVES... AND THE MAMMAL THING. OR MAYBE THE MAMMAL THING IS BECAUSE OF THE... I'M PUTTING TOO MUCH THOUGHT INTO THIS, ACTUALLY. YOU'RE SOFT. I LIKE IT.
humans are also have weak skin by mammal standards, cats and dogs are really good at scratching us! i'm maybe weirdly durable, but only to a point. :p
THE UNINHIBITED JOY OF NO PANTS, BIG SHIRT COMBINED WITH COMPRESSION SOCKS FOR LAZY NIGHTS. I AM COMFORTABLE, COZY, AND MELTED INTO MY PILE. THIS IS EXACTLY HOW I WAS MEANT TO LIVE MY POOR EXCUSE OF A LIFE. THIS IS TRUE EXISTENCE. OH, NOT TO MENTION I HAVE A SCENTED CANDLE GOING. FUCK YEAH.
YOU’RE A HUMAN, RIGHT? I AM ALMOST CERTAIN I HAVE EASILY ACCESSIBLE BIG SHIRTS FOR YOU. BUT ONCE AGAIN WE FALL INTO THE ISSUE OF I HAVE NO IDEA HOW EVERYONE IS TRADING THINGS SO EASILY. IF I FIGURE IT OUT I’LL SEND YOU A DOZEN.
well i can just sort of magically stop into another universe, and also i am always good to help someone out with a transportalizer so they can send things to people. i like being able to help!
OH, FUCK THAT’S COOL. OKAY. COME BY SOMETIME. I’LL GIVE YOU THE SHIRTS.
it's definitely safe for me to do that stuff. i've been doing it for years. i can even bring you a hot chocolate mix. you said you needed a hot beverage! maybe you figured yours out, but more couldn't hurt, right?
B33 < yeah nah theyre p safe B33 < i think an appearifier/sendificator would nyalso work but theyre kinda a pain in the ass by compurrison
I HAVEN’T FIGURED IT OUT YET. THAT SOUNDS GOOD. YOU COULD JOIN ME IN WATCHING “CRIMINAL MINDS”, TOO IF YOU’RE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING TO DO.
oh that sounds nice. and i get all cozy too? yeah, i'm down!
NICE. LET ME TIDY UP MY HIVE A LITTLE. IT’S A FUCKING WRECK IN HERE.
i'll be there in a bit, i have a tin of this neat spiced hot chocolate powder i am more than willing to offer up!
A DAVE SENT ME AN ALIEN - *HUMAN* - TV SHOW FILE AND I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS BARKBEAST SHIT IS ACTUALLY ENTERTAINING. THE TITLE IS ABSURDLY VAGUE BUT I GUESS I CAN FORGIVE IT.
what's the show called?
CRIMINAL MINDS. THE MOST VAGUE THING THEY COULD HAVE POSSIBLY NAMED IT.
oh! i've never actually watched that one. for some reason the first show that popped into my head was x-files. i have no idea why.
well in theory, it's about fbi agents who investigate reports about aliens, but for a lot of people, it's about the shipping of the main agents, mulder and skully. the will they, won't they of it all. it went on for years long before i was born.
like, the shipping is really the reason you watch it now.
THE DESIRABLE OPENER MESSAGE IN THIS SHOW IS “YOU’RE IMPOTENT”. FUCKING CRAZY. I’M TAKING NOTES.
I AM STANDING IN MY MEAL BLOCK STARING INTO MY HUNGER TRUNK AS IF GAZING INTO THE VOID OF FOOD I BOUGHT SPECIFICALLY FOR MYSELF WILL REVEAL SOMETHING I WANT TO EAT. IT MIGHT BE A FRONDFUL OF SHREDDED CHEESE DAY… AND DONUT. FUCK, OKAY, DONUT IT IS.
... MAYBE I SHOULDN'T PLAY THE "WE WANT ALL YOUR CAEGARS BUT WILL ASK FOR THEM IN SMALL, SEEMINGLY INNOCENT WAYS UNTIL YOU ARE BANKRUPT" GAME.
WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU DOING? THIS IS JUST ME BEING NOSY AS SHIT SO FEEL FREE TO IGNORE MY ASS IF ITS NOT SOMETHING YOU WISH TO DISCLOSE.
I WAS BORED, WHICH IS WHERE EVERY RECENT GROSSLY MUNDANE STORY INVOLVING ME BEGINS, SO I DOWNLOADED SOME ARCHAIC GAME ABOUT WIZARDS WHO CAST SPELLS VIA MAGICAL AND CONVOLUTED CARDS. SOMEHOW IT'S BOTH SUBSCRIPTION BASED *AND* FULL OF (OPTIONAL) MICROTRANSACTIONS.
MAYBE DON'T PLAY THAT THEN?? THERES SO MANY GAMES LIKE THAT TODAY AND ALL OF THEM KINDA SUCK?
THE ISSUE IS THAT IT DOES NOT SUCK. IT'S RIDICULOUSLY FUN. I HAVE TO PEEL MY FRONDS OFF THE KEYBOARD AND COAX MYSELF AWAY FROM MY HUSKTOP TO AVOID DUMPING MORE CAEGARS INTO IT. I'M LEVEL 50, I HAVE A COOL PET, AND I BEAT MY ENEMIES INTO THE GROUND. WHAT MORE COULD I REALISTICALLY ASK FROM A GAME MADE WHEN I WAS A WRIGGLER? ... BUT YOU'RE RIGHT. I REALLY NEED TO STOP PLAYING. GOD OF THIS PLANET OR NOT, I HAVE A FUCKING BUDGET.
OH IS IT THAT GOOD? WAIT NO. NO I VOWED NOT TO GET ATTACHED TO THOSE KINDS OF GAMES AGAIN. GET OFF IT WHILE YOU STILL CAN.
I WANT A CARBONATED DRINK AND TO SIT DOWN IN A DARK, COMFORTABLE BLOCK TO WATCH A MOVIE I HAVE NO BUSINESS REWATCHING FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME AND I WANT MY STUPID FRIENDS TO JOIN ME.
so i'm guessing some bullshit is in the way of that, huh?
DING-DING. MOST OF THEM ARE ASLEEP AND THOSE WHO AREN’T SHOULD BE SO I’M NOT ASKING THEM OVER.
well that's no fun. but if they're asleep, why aren't you? is this some weird timezone thing?
I’VE BEEN HAVING A HARD TIME CONVINCING MYSELF TO GO TO CUPE. I HAVE TO KEEP BUSY LATELY, I GUESS.
if you went to, uh, cupe, would you be able to sleep? i know going to bed can still mean hours of laying in bed before i fall asleep, and i hate it, but that's just life.
oof. that really does suck. what do you do when you can't sleep?
I READ. BOOKS. BLOGS. CHITTS, NOW, TOO. IT BECOMES A GAME OF HOW LONG CAN KARKAT KEEP THEIR EYES OPEN TO BEAR WITNESS TO THE NONSENSE GOING ON IN OTHER PEOPLE'S LIVES, FICTIONAL OR OTHERWISE. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS THAT ARE MORE EFFICIENT I AM HAPPY TO HEAR THEM.
well i've been putting my bullshit out publicly for like, half my life. thanks tumblr. but also i know that thinking is what keeps me awake, and it can really be hard for me to make that stop on my own. tbh it sounds like you're not even trying to, which is fair enough.
IF I GET ONE MORE SHITTY "ROMANTASY" BOOK RECOMMENDATION THAT IS POORLY WRITTEN DRIVEL PACKAGED IN AN UNCONVINCING COVER WITH VAGUE AND USELESS REVIEWS ON THE BACK OF IT CLAIMING IT'S THE BEST THING SOMEONE WITH THE READING COMPREHENSION OF AN ILLITERATE WRIGGLER HAS READ, I AM GOING TO LOSE IT. I AM LOSING IT. AS I TYPE THIS I AM LOSING IT. THERE. FIRST POST.
I @m 7iter@77y @7w@y$ Fucking $@ying Thi$
I DON'T KNOW HOW HALF OF THIS SHIT MAKES IT PAST THE EDITING PHASE. IF SOMEONE DROPPED THEIR "FINAL" DRAFT ON MY DESK FOR ME TO PUBLISH AND IT SOUNDED REMOTELY SIMILAR TO HALF OF THESE NONSENSICAL SMUT FESTS I WOULD TELL THEM TO GO SHOVE IT UP THEIR CHAGRIN TUNNEL BECAUSE AT LEAST THEN IT WOULD HAVE SOME KIND OF IMPACT ON A PERSON.
TRY THE POWDER MAGE SERIES. IT’S NOT ROMANCE BUT FANTASY. AND IT’S A NICE CHANGE OF PACE. BUT IF YOU WANT ROMANCE MY MOST RECENT READ WAS THE LIGHTLARK SERIES. THE FIRST BOOK IS PRETTY GOOD. HAVEN’T READ THE SECOND ONE THOUGH BECAUSE I’VE BEEN FORCED TO READ THE OTHER REC.
THANK YOU. FINALLY, DECENT RECOMMENDATIONS. I'D OFFER YOU SOMETHING OF RIDICULOUS VALUE IF I KNEW HOW TO FLING IT ACROSS TIMELINES.
ITS FINE. JUST GLAD IM NOT GETTING MY HEAD BIT OFF FOR ONCE BY ANOTHER TIMELINE ME.
YOU KNOW WHAT? IM UP FOR THAT.
Your name is Karkat Vantas. Your life is almost unsettingly relaxed since the end of the game. So, you joined this site to give yourself something to do during the days you can’t sleep. ── · · ── · 🦀 · ── · · ── 「 Basic Info 」 Location ➜ Alt-Ternia / A post-game timeline where the trolls won their session! Heavily divorced from canon but I’m still aiming to keep it within the realm of plausibilities. This world is not perfect, far from, given it was made back when all the trolls were still barely teenagers but it’s a lot better than their home planet. Status ➜ Alive Physical Description ➜ Short (5’2”) and thin with a long torso. They’re somewhat androgynous with a feminine lean. Long, thick lashes. Black lipstick. Round face. Sharp teeth. Baggy shirt + baggy pant fan. Extra ➜ Agender (They/She/He). They’re far more mellowed out in their adult sweeps but still have a temper and some self loathing issues. 「 Quadrants 」 ♥︎: … ♠︎: … ♦︎: … ♣︎: … 「 Timeline 」 ⤷ No one else yet! ── · · ── · 🦀 · ── · · ── 「 Content Warnings 」 These will be tagged when necessary or asked. ⤷ NSFW, substance, canon-typical bigotry, tbh that might be it! 「 Boundaries 」 ⤷ Not comfortable with incest. Please don’t involve me or mention/rp it on my posts, even as a joke, ty! ⤷ DMs are open! If I’m posting but not replying I’m not ignoring you, just out of spoons and/or on mobile lol ── · · ── · 🦀 · ── · · ── (Artist: starsnores) https://i.ibb.co/84rnhn21/by-starsnores.jpg https://i.ibb.co/d0gfFGym/artist-starsnores.jpg #substance #nsfw
(( Trips and drops another KK onto the site oh noooooo oopsieeeeee how could I lol. I'll make the intro later but here they are :D
((STARTS CHEERING i love karkat, happy to have yours here :D))
(( Hehe, yay! Thank you. I'm excited, I haven't roleplayed Karkat since 2017/2018 I am truly blowing the dust off my favorite little crab