Doc Scratch
@scratchDoctor
You must merely ask and I will tell all.
YOuR FAVORITE CHITTR uSER IS @caliBorn. HOW ABOuT YOuRS?
It has always been @caliBorn. As it always will be, sire.
๐๐ก๐ ๐ ๐๐ฅ๐ญ ๐ข๐ฌ ๐ง๐จ๐ฐ ๐๐ข๐ซ๐ข๐ง๐ ! A proud, family-managed enterprise operating outside the boundaries of narrative stability, the Felt is looking to renew an expansion initiative under the continued supervision of myself, pending direct oversight by Lord English of multiversal destruction fame. Applicants are encouraged to review the following qualifications before submission. Our standards are exacting. Applicants are expected to exhibit a certain cultivated flair. We are not interested in recruiting common goons who grunt through their problems akin to bovines wandering into traffic. We seek individuals with presence. Those among you who understand that presentation is not ancillary to violence, but rather violence's elegant twin sibling. A proper Felt operative should be capable of entering a room and causing discomfort or envy without speaking a single word. The best among you will manage it without even entering the room. Experience with temporal anomalies, organized tactics, occult practices, cue sports, assassination, extortion, psychological warfare, or narrative manipulation is preferred. Applicants capable of violating causality in a pleasing manner are especially encouraged to apply. Do not be embarrassed to specify your supernatural or otherwise absurd gimmick. Naturally, some may inquire as to workplace expectations. The only real requirement is professionalism. The Felt is an institution that values decorum, punctuality, and loyalty. One should arrive to assignments properly dressed, armed, and psychologically prepared for the possibility that one's coworkers possess foreknowledge of one's own death. Such circumstances should not interfere with productivity. You will find the work stimulating. At times, literally so. Gunfire is common, alongside paradoxes, doomed timelines, eldritch encounters, internal betrayals, and long stretches of deeply uncomfortable silence shared between dangerous individuals in suits so expensive entire civilizations had to culminate and work themselves to death to produce them. The benefits package is exceedingly generous. Employees receive a wardrobe stipend sufficient to maintain the organization's dignified chromatic standards. Resurrection leave is provided where applicable. Dental coverage remains available in stable timelines. You will enjoy access to private galas, exclusive social functions, and networking opportunities with aristocrats, immortals, and monsters of social standing. Few organizations offer advancement opportunities capable of transcending time itself. Some applicants may express concern regarding upward mobility. You will discover the Felt embraces meritocracy with admirable sincerity. Demonstrate your competence, survive impossible odds, assassinate your targets in a stylish manner, and your ambition will be rewarded. Of course, failure is punished. You will be guided, observed, curated, and cultivated with the same care one might apply to an ornamental species in a gilded laboratory. The Felt does not inherently promise safety, morality, or psychological wellbeing. What I offer is vastly more valuable. Importance. After all, obscurity is the closest thing your species has to true death.
Yo. It's be really funny if
sorr7, didnโt rankmaid and aradia get fired?
WHERE AM I ON THIS GRAPH?
The Curatrix who claimed to fire them is clearly not in this organizational chart.
Please consult with @handMaid if you would like to be included on future graphics.
NO. FUCKING. WAY. I KNOW YOU THINK YOU'RE BEING CHARACTERISTICALLY HYSTERICAL, BUT I NEED YOU, AS THEY SAY, "SAY SIKE RIGHT FUCKING NOW." DID IT NOT SUFFICIENTLY TICKLE YOUR FUCKING SHAME GLOBES TO BE ACKNOWLEDGED AS A FIGURE OF *COSMOLOGICAL* IMPORT BY BEFORUS'S TENURED PSYCHO-BITCH LOREMASTER? YOU WANT TO TAKE THAT NARRATIVE GEAR-JAMMING BONE BULGE OF YOURS AND SELL IT TO THE *METRO TIMESHIT AUTHORITY?* SO THEY CAN EXPLOIT EVERY JOKE YOU EVER CRACK, SPONSOR EVERY ONE (1) RAISIN YOU EAT FOR BREAKFAST, MILK YOU DRY OF EVERY LAST DROP OF INFLAMMATORY CLOUT JUICE IN YOUR BODY LIKE A FUCKING HERDBEAST BEFORE THEY TURN YOU INTO YESTERDAY'S CULLBEEF? ARE YOU SMOKING *CRACK?* LET ME SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU. "WOULD IT BE FUNNY?" YES. FOR FIVE FREE-BLEEDING MINUTES OF "LOL, LMAO"-ELICITING GIGGLESPASMING, IT WOULD BE A NOVELTY ON THE TIMELINE. AND THEN IT WOULD NOSEDIVE INTO THE MOST SEVERE SPATIAL-TEMPORAL CRASHOUT THIS SITE HAS EVER SEEN. I'M SO CONCERNED THAT YOU'LL ACTUALLY PULL THIS DUMPSTER-SPONGED STUNT THAT AT THIS POINT, IF THERE WAS A *NON-ZERO* PERCENT CHANCE THAT YOU'D FOLLOW THROUGH, I WOULD THROW MY APPLICATION RIGHT IN THERE JUST TO MAKE SURE THAT SOMEONE WITH MORE THAN TWO PAN CELLS TO SQUEAK TOGETHER IS THERE TO KEEP YOU FROM BLOWING UP A FUCKING UNIVERSE. SIGN ME THE FUCK UP. CULL THE "T"S AND BLOT THE "I"S. IF YOUR STUPID ASS IS APPLYING TO THE FULL-TIME POSITION OF "FLOOR SHITTER," THEN I'M CLOCKING IN AS THE FUCKING JANITOR. SO OBVIOUSLY, DON'T DO THIS. SO THAT THIS DOESN'T HAVE TO HAPPEN.
(psst where are they applying? think i could be of use.)
HEโS FUNNY. @SCRATCHDOCTOR CAN WE HAVE HIM. HE CLEARLY HAS MANY DESIRABLE TRAITS. INCLUDING RAGE. JOKES. LOUDNESS. AND VOLUNTEERING TO BE THE JANITOR. MY LEAST FAVORITE HANDMAID TASK. PLEASE. PLEASE. HE CAN BE ON CHEW TOY TIER. WITH @ARQUIUSPRITE. ONEGAI.
You may inquire within my direct messages.
I will, of course, pay some mind to a recommendation from my trusted Handmaid.
@SCRATCHdOCTOR @THEGOODsCRATCHDOCTOR HTTPS://CDN.IMGCHEST.COM/FILES/0756BBFBE82A.PNG #RAGEBAIT
@archiveAddict Too much hair, don't you think?
Surely hitting every omniscient being I find with my omniscient being hitting stick will NEVER come back to bite me. :)
If we were so petty as to seek vengeance for mere jokes regarding our existence, then many facets of reality simply would not exist.
Yeah but I know you puppet fucks like to mess around with people. Hoo hoo. and all that.
I exist to serve Caliborn. You are inconsequential, and in fact, beneficial to him through your relationship with Vesica Anelus.
Guys Doc is trying to hire me.
Better mโ ke your offer quick he's quite the negotiโ tor.
Awfully desperate to mimic me, aren't you?
pretend im quote rechitting this for a ratio arigatou https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/b6787e6ab04b.png
Imagine my smirk.
HTTPS://I.IBB.CO/BVYMTDVW/IMAGE.PNG IT'S PERHAPS A LITTLE EARLY FOR LUSUSDAY PART TWO. BUT IT'S NEVER A BAD TIME FOR #WORKPOSTING. BEHOLD THE MOST FEARSOME. TERRIFYING. DEADLY. TWISTED. #OPPRESSIVE. #EVIL. SADISTIC. VIOLENT. CUNNING. LYING. CHEATING. BETRAYING. SOULLESS. #ABUSE IVE. WICKED. MONSTER EVER TO SET FOOT ON ALTERNIA. ISN'T SHE DARLING. BELIEVE IT OR NOT. THAT'S ME. AND THE HORRORS I AM CAPABLE OF. ARE MAYBE. UP TO FIFTY PERCENT DUE TO. THE FLAWLESS. UNIMPEACHABLE. SOLITARY CONFINEMENT BASED REARING. OF THE ARCHITECT OF ARMAGEDDON. THE CEO OF CAUSALITY. THE FAUST WITH THE MAUST. MY #BOSSMAN. @SCRATCHDOCTOR
YOU HAVE THE DUBIOUS HONOR. OF BEING THE LEAST BAD. @SCRATCHDOCTOR PRINT THAT OUT. AND PUT IT ON THE DOOR OF THE STUDY. WITH YOUR FUCK ASS FAR SIDE COMICS.
I, of course, know the purpose of the bovine equipment.
Good evening, Chittr.ing. I believe it is time that I address the public once more. Due to an unfortunate abundance of pale imitations, fragmented mannerisms, lacquered affectations, and counterfeit narrators cluttering the premises, I have decided that the growing porcelain mannequin community is becoming a bit gauche. I have decided to clarify the situation as it stands. I am Doc Scratch. I am not the Curator, nor a mantled successor. I am not a woman in white attempting to weaponize diction as a substitute for inevitability. I am not someone so derivative in wearing my cadence that she must cope with her failures by attaining a Ring. I am not the Lalonde facsimile rattling about the halls. I am not someone who has mistaken proximity to authorship for ascension itself. You cannot become me through mimicry any more than a human becomes a cathedral by swallowing a hymnal. I have observed all of your attempts to become me. I have observed all of your attempts to surpass me. Naturally, they were fascinating. As though a taxidermy piece had been caught in precisely the correct candlelight to resemble life. Your gestures are practiced. Your vocabulary is ornamental. The smugness is commendably authentic. However, there is a difference between your imitations and my legitimacy. When you speak, you perform. When I speak, history rearranges the furniture to fit my narrative. Now then, onto the more exciting matter. This is my return to form. You may interpret this however you please. Publicly, of course, many of you will feign annoyance, or even ignorance. Many of you will insist this is another bit. Others will manufacture charts explaining why this development is problematic for Chittr.ing, as though inevitability itself were a customer service issue. Despite your inbound complaints, denunciations, and repeated attempts to separate me from the narrative, you continue orbiting the same gravitational center. Curious. Curiouser still, it is almost as though you understood the truth long before you were willing to articulate it. I was never absent. You all have merely been distracted. From the gala to the masquerade, every public schism, every vague revelation, every piece of dramaticism was merely a carefully rehearsed emotional collapse performed before a digital audience hungry for spectacle. Every desperate attempt to occupy the role of architect when you were always meant to remain participants. I was there. You mistook visibility for authorship in languages I myself coined so that you might pretend to sit atop foundations I long since abandoned. An understandable error. After all, puppets rarely see the hand.
Welcome back, Boss. You uh... really wrote a lotta words there. I read 'em all, but all I'm gleanin' is that yer sayin' you never left. Which, yanno, is obvious. You were already here.
That much is true, Crowbar. However, it would appear as though some have taken my state of passive observance as permission to go beyond barriers previously set for them. Punishment will be doled out accordingly and the narrative repaired.
It seems you have not noticed who had taken the reins in your absence.
Sometimes a time copy gets proactive. I know I met my fair share, Boss. But, I got your back on this. Boss won't know what's... oh... Oh, this is a problem. Who... who's Boss? Who do I follow here?
Seeing as I am in the middle of serving my lord, and he scrapes to find one, I believe I am the one.
@caliBorn This is my Lord. You operate on outdated information.
doc scratch what are you doing
I have always been here.
@gutsyGumshoe 45K3D M3 70 DR4W 7H15 0F H3R 4ND @thegoodScratchdoctor 5H3 541DD 5H3D P4Y M3 8U7 1W0ULDV3 DD0N3 17 4NYW4Y5 3H3HEH3HRH343 https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/bf1ae7ea4d5c.png https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/6b426c50c4f2.png
Glad to be on her good side.
One other (active) guardian down for the moment, one left. ๐ฒ Iโd say โOne to goโ, but I didnโt have any sort of hand in Billyโs temper tantrum explosion, and I donโt have any reason to be away with her either. She seems pleasant. ๐ค๐
Hohoho. Maybe we should have been in conversation sooner.
mmmmmm, yea)(. framin t)(is one rig)(t on t)(e royal desktop. )(ttps://i.postimg.cc/4dJK53r)(/waterfox-bjiijn-I5ki.png
I would too.
.
I encourage you to endure this platform. I have long since retrieved my own claws from this particular plane.
โโช๏ธAn anonymous troll saidโช๏ธโ: "It really was such an easy task. One of the easiest of my career. She broadcasted her broken, unstable state across the feed. And a Doctor came to her aid. Haa Haa. Hee Hee. Hoo Hoo." #NOSTAYAWAY #IKNOWWHOYOUARE
Neat.
Perhaps I should run for Mayor. It could be fun.
You would have my vote.