Karkat Vantas
@carcinoGeneticist
SURVIVOR OF SGRUB / EARTH-C SQUATTER / BASICALLY JUST GOT HERE SO 'CAUSAL SPOILERS' ARE APPRECIATED THANKS.
@carcinoGeneticist#4881 I'm sorry, okay???????? I'll m8ke sure to meticulously reheat that pie you got for me, slide it onto a silver platter, and figure out a way to wedge said platter 8etween my horns 8efore la8oriously crawling on hand and nu8 up to your fucking LAIR of a respite8lock and groveling, STILL PIZZA PANNED, MIND YOU, for your forgiveness! It was completely and utterly monstrous of me to go sample it right after you said I should keep my thieving claws off it, and I should have!!!!!!!! You're right. You just made it sound really good and I wanted to try it. So I'm sorry, okay?
I ship it.
APOLOGY ACCEPTED. I'LL GO RE-SCREW YOUR DOOR BACK ON NOW.
Too late. This ship has had its maiden voyage already. Sails have unfurled.
DON'T BE SUCH A FUCKING DOUCHEBAG, WE'RE REAL PEOPLE. WE AREN'T FANFICTIONS.
aw karkat, you say that like you have not historically made shipping charts too...
AS A FUCKING *WRIGGLER* IN AN ATTEMPT TO KEEP YOUR SPECIES ALIVE! GOD FORBID THE IDEA THAT I'VE GROWN SINCE THEN?!
Wow Karkat! Your drawings are soooooooo gr8! I may need to consider some new tattoos!
THAT'S RIGHT. YOU'VE NOT ASKED FOR IT, BUT IT'S HAPPENING ANYWAY. THIS SATURDAY, AT 6 AM BST (BILIOUS STANDARD TIMELINE) I WILL BE HOSTING A WATCHALONG ON HYPERBEAM FOR THE HUMAN MUSICAL CHICAGO. I WILL BE ATTENDED, HOPEFULLY, BY @ARCHIVEADDICT AND @CARBOLICGALVANOLOGIST AS ASSHOLES I'VE ROPED IN TO WATCH A MOVIE WITH ME. BE THERE, OR DON'T, I DON'T CARE. IT'S NO SKIN OFF OF MY BACK. #WATCHALONG #MOVIE #WHATELSESHOULDITAG #SUCKMYBULGESATURDAY #CHICAGOSATURDAY
TW #s9cialgatherings #9ccularn9rmative #audi9n9rmative #murder #death #vi9lence #expl9itati9n #lying #impris9nment #crimeandpunishment #r9manticentanglements #humans P.S: I may attend.
THAT'S FINE SO LONG AS YOU DON'T TAG EVERYTHING THE WHOLE MOVIE. PLEASE JUST BE NORMAL? FOR ONCE?
Hm. Y9u are n9 d9u6t aware that I see it as my s9lemn duty t9 ensure all p9tentially harmful material is pr9perly categ9rized and tagged, and asking me t9 refrain fr9m d9ing s9 n9t 9nly is a disservice t9 my eff9rts 6ut als9 risks y9u 9r 9ne 9f y9ur guests unkn9wingly walking straight int9 distressing territ9ries which they were n9t prepared f9r. At the same time h9wever I realize that as the 9rganizer 9f such an event y9u are und9u6tedly placed under greater strain than usual, and as such are in greater need 9f a c99perative envir9nment; if it w9uld make y9u m9re c9mf9rta6le, I c9uld perhaps attempt t9 restrain myself. Perhaps, th9ugh, a c9mpr9mise: My a69ve p9st sh9uld serve as a sufficient preemptive 6lanket warning f9r p9tentially triggering t9pics within the musical experience. (Als9 in future please refrain fr9m assigning 6ehavi9urs as 'n9rmal' 9r 'a6n9rmal', as such descript9rs are frequently used t9 9stracize s9cial 9ut-gr9ups f9r acts which d9 n9t c9nstitute any harm 6ut are simply seen as 'weird' and deserving 9f ridicule.)
YES, FINE, WHATEVER. YOUR POST THERE CAN BE THE CONTENT WARNING AND WHEN YOU GET INTO THE ROOM YOU CAN POST ONE (1) CONTENT WARNING BEFORE THE MOVIE STARTS. DOES THAT SOUND FAIR?
SEEING OTHER ME'S WHO ARE LIKE...HAPPY AND JOYOUS AND SHIT IS SO FUCKING UNCANNY. I FEEL LIKE AN ASSHOLE FOR FEELING WEIRD ABOUT IT, BECAUSE WHO AM I TO SHIT ON SOME OTHER GUY'S GOOD TIME- BUT AT THE SAME TIME WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED IN YOUR TIMELINE THAT YOU AREN'T CONSTANTLY PLAGUED IN THE PAN BY AGGRAVATION AND HATE.
AND CUNTASS SOUNDS LIKE MINE? MAYBE BEING HALF BARKBEAST HAS ALTERED HOW YOU PERCEIVE SYLLABLES.
cuntass-vantas! listen to some rap music and you will understand how slant rhymes work
I'LL ADMIT YOU'VE CAUGHT ME IN A VICE HERE, BECAUSE IF I ADMIT I DON'T LISTEN TO RAP I'M GOING TO SOUND LIKE AN ASSHOLE ACCORDING TO YOUR HUMAN SOCIETAL STANDARDS. MAYBE I CAN PULL THIS BACK AND LIE BY SAYING I HAVE TRAUMA FROM LISTENING TO STRIDER'S AWFUL MUSIC.
WAIT. you like case but you dont listen to rap? you dont fuck with drugs drugs drugs? you are so bad? perfect?? I AM???
THIS IS FROM A MONTH AGO, HARLEY, I WAS TRYING TO KEEP STEALTH ON MY INTERESTS. OF COURSE I LISTEN TO RAP.
?????? literally why would you want to do that??? i was feeling sentimental about my first conversation with you on here and now i realize i was not being as clever as i thought :(
SIGH. IT'S NOT YOU, I HAD A STICK UP MY ASS. SINCERELY DON'T TAKE IT TO HEART, OR TAKE IT THAT SERIOUSLY.
I still can't 8elieve Karkat took my door like some kind of angry fundamentalist human lusus. Classic Karkat!!!!!!!!
JUST BE GLAD IT WASN'T YOUR FUCKING RECUPERACOON. TOUCH MY FOOD AGAIN AND THE RETRIBUTION WILL BURN YOU ALIVE.
Very well. So we are talking about it on feed. Excluding the non-carbonated Ohana line for what I hope are obvious reasons. --------- S --------- Rock & Rye. Creme Soda. Vanilla Creme Soda. Root Beer. Cotton Candy. Candy Apple. Bubble Pop. Super Pop. Firework. 60/40. It's 60-lime-40-grapefruit, to crack THAT caper. Dreamin. --------- A --------- Moon Mist Blue. Arctic Sun. Fruit Punch. Gold. --------- B --------- Grape. Jolly Green Apple. Black Cherry. Jazzin' Blues Berry. (You cannot taste the jazz. The berry is inoffensive.) Orange. Peach. Raspberry Blueberry. Pineapple. Pineapple Orange. Pineapple Watermelon. --------- C --------- Classic Redpop. Cola. Cherry Cola. Moon Mist classic. Twist. Ginger Ale. Dr. Faygo. --------- D --------- Tonic. Club Soda.
I'm going to receive some flack for ranking redpop so lowly, but when you've had it as many times as... ... ... Anyway.
I LOOK AWAY FOR FIVE MINUTES AND EVERYONE'S HOPPING ON MY BANDWAGON. FOR WHAT ITS WORTH, I AGREE WITH PRETTY MUCH ALL OF THIS LIST, EXCEPT FOR GRAPE BEING IN B TIER. THAT'S THE BEST FLAVOR IN MY OPINION IT TASTES LIKE WHAT I'M PRETTY SURE YOUR HEART SHUTTING DOWN FEELS LIKE. 10/10 EXPERIENCE IN MY BOOKS.
The fruit flavors are just ok. I also have a principled disagreement with the generic flavors piggybacking off another brand's steez, which is why you see cola ranked so low. Ginger ale would have scored higher if it were not so vastly outpaced by its Gold counterpart. The dessert flavors are the most complex and lend themselves to the high sugar content most successfully. Rock & Rye is miles above any other profile.
SEE, THIS IS THE SHIT THAT I LIKE TO SEE. ACTUAL FUCKING ANALYSIS IN A REVIEW THAN JUST SLAPPING SOME SHIT IN A LIST AND CALLING IT A DAY BASED ON 'VIBES'. I FEEL LIKE WE'RE THE ONLY PEOPLE ON THIS PLATFORM WHO UNDERSTAND FOOD AND DRINK SOMETIMES.
I'M SICK OF EVERYONE PRETENDING THAT FAYGO IS INHERENTLY ALCOHOLIC OR SOPORIFIC IN SOME WAY. IT ISN'T A DRUG IN ANY CAPACITY- NOT ANY MORE THAN ANY ENTIRELY TOO SUGARY SODA IS. IT REALLY IS JUST FUCKING SODA, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO FUCK UP A TROLL BY GIVING THEM A BOTTLE OF FAYGO. AT BEST THEY'RE JUST GOING TO GET A SUGAR RUSH. NOW, I THINK I KNOW WHERE THIS COMMON MISCONCEPTION COMES FROM. CLOWNS ARE KNOWN TO SPIKE THEIR FAYGO, OR TAKE IT ALONGSIDE OTHER SHIT THAT'LL FUCK THEIR PAN UP FOR A BIT. THIS IS CORRELATION, NOT CAUSATION. I CAN'T BELIEVE ANYBODY ACTUALLY BELIEVES THIS SHIT, COME ON NOW. A WARRIOR SPECIES WHO EVOLVED TO SUBJUGATE TRILLIONS OF DISTANT STARS, INCAPACITATED BY A REDPOP? YOU'RE INSANE.
Also, unfortunately, Faygo Cotton Candy, Redpop, and Cream Soda kinda really fucking hit.
i dunno man that firZt Zip of a faygo cotton candy maKeZ me thinK otherwiZe maybe all the faygo in your TL iZ defective
I'M NOT EVEN ASHAMED TO ADMIT IT. THERE ARE SOME GOOD FAYGO FLAVORS- ITS KIND OF LIKE AN OOKBEAST ON A TYPEWRITER TYPE THING? THERE'S SO MANY DIFFERENT ONES THAT STATISTICALLY SOME OF THEM HAVE TO BE GOOD.
DON'T COME IN HERE CRITICIZING MY SHIT LOOKING LIKE AN OFF BRAND VERSION OF ME. YOUR NAME EVEN BEGINS WITH A K, COME ON MAN.
I Must Admit This Misnomer Crossed My Mind While I Was Questionably Enjoying The Experience In Partaking Of A Human Soda Yesterday And Worried Someone May Have Gotten The Wrong Idea
GOD I'M SO FUCKING TIRED.
havve you considered not bein tired just askin in general
I KNEW POSTING THIS WAS A MISTAKE BUT YOU JUST SOLIDIFIED THAT IDEA INTO CRYSTALLIZED THOUGHT.
LET ME SET THE SCENE HERE. I'M SAT IN MY RESPITE BLOCK AT PRESENT, THE ONLY THING I HAVE OPEN ON MY COMPUTER IS CHITTR. IT'S A TEMPERATE MAY DAY IN THE TROLL KINGDOM AND THE RAIN IS COMING DOWN OUTSIDE PRETTY HEAVILY. FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE, I HAVE THE WINDOW OPEN A CRACK TO HEAR IT FALL. THE SYNCOPATED PITTER PATTER ON THE OUTSIDE WINDOW DANCING IN CONCERT WITH THE SOUND OF MY TOUCH STUBS GLIDING ACROSS MY MECHANICAL KEYBOARD. BACK ON ALTERNIA, YOU DID *NOT* WANT YOUR WINDOW OPEN DURING THE RAIN. THAT SHIT WAS PURE ACID, AND THE OUTSIDE OF YOUR HIVE WAS BUILT TO WITHSTAND IT, BUT THE INSIDE SURE WASN'T AND NEITHER WAS YOUR SKIN. FOR SOME TIME, EVEN THOUGH ITS SAFE TO TOUCH THE RAINWATER ON EARTH-C, I REFUSED TO OPEN MY WINDOW. TODAY THAT CHANGED. DO YOU KNOW WHY THAT IS? BECAUSE TODAY IS A DAY OF FIRSTS. UPON REFLECTION, I SUPPOSE THIS IS MY FIRST 'SPONSORED POST'. A BENEFACTOR WHO WILL REMAIN ANONYMOUS GAVE ME A GIFT CARD TO A PIZZA PLACE CALLED GIORDANO'S. THERE WAS ENOUGH ON THIS CARD FOR A MEAL FOR TWO AND UNFORTUNATELY FOR EVERYONE, I *WILL* BE GOING BACK. I HATE EVERYTHING THAT THIS PIZZA TRIP HAS MADE ME BECOME. THE KARKAT THAT YOU KNEW YESTERDAY IS A DEAD MAN. HE'S BEEN LEFT IN THE PAST, MERELY AN ERRANT SPECTER HAUNTING YOUR MEMORY. I'M SORRY. I'M REALLY, TRULY FUCKING SORRY. I REALLY, REALLY LIKE EARTH-C-HICAGO STYLE PIZZA. EXCEPT...I'M NOT SORRY, ACTUALLY. HAD YOU FOR A MOMENT, DIDN'T I? IF THERE IS ONE THING KARKAT VANTAS IS- IT'S UNREPENTANT IN HIS FOOD OPINIONS. DID YOU REALLY THINK FOR A MOMENT THAT I WOULD GROVEL AT YOUR FEET? BESEECH YOUR TEMPLE FOR APOLOGY? THROW MYSELF AT THE MERCY OF THE EXTREMELY FAKE CLOWN GODS ABOVE FOR DARING TO THINK THAT THIS PIZZA *FUCKS SEVERELY*? YOU'RE DEAD FUCKING WRONG. WELCOME TO KARKAT'S PIZZA REVIEWS. THERE IS NO GOD HERE BUT ME. FEEL FREE TO LEAVE YOUR TITHES IN THE TIP JAR AND KISS MY FINALLY BEJEWELED RING YOU ME DAMNED HEATHEN. NORMALLY WHEN I TRY OUT A NEW PIZZA PLACE, I GO FOR THE BASICS. NOT THIS TIME. AS THIS WAS A SPONSORED VISIT, I TOOK INSTRUCTION ON WHAT PIZZA TO GET- ANY VARIETY OF THEIR EARTH-C-HICAGO STYLE PIZZA. I SEE NOW WHY SOME HUMANS CALL THIS SHIT A 'PIZZA PIE' BECAUSE HOLY SHIT THAT THING HAD A *CRUST*. IT WAS LIKE EXCAVATING IN A MINE OF SAUCE AND MOLTEN HOT CHEESE. I'LL ADMIT. I WAS VERY HESITANT GOING INTO THIS. SAUCE? ON TOP OF THE PIZZA? HOW NOVEL! HOW STRANGE! I'D HEARD OF SUCH A CONCOCTION, SUCH A WEIRD FUCKING MEAL BEFORE AND I'D SORT OF WRITTEN IT OFF ENTIRELY. HOW COULD THIS POSSIBLY APPEAL TO THE PALATE OF ANYONE WITH A FUNCTIONING THINKPAN AND THE FULL POSSESSION OF ONE'S NATURAL FLAVOR BUMPS. I WAS A FUCKING FOOL. A FRAUD, EVEN. I'M A MORE KNOWLEDGEABLE MAN NOW. A BETTER MAN. THAT. SHIT. FUCKED. THIS WILL BE MY FIRST 10/10 REVIEW. THIS BASIC ASS, BEAUTIFULLY SIMPLISTIC CHEESE AND SAUCE DEEP DISH FLAVOR DISC WILL BE MY SWAN SONG. YOU CAN PLAY ME OUT NOW. I CAN DIE HAPPY. LET'S REVIEW WHAT'S GOOD. EVERYTHING, YOU FUCKING IDIOT DID YOU NOT LISTEN TO A WORD I JUST SAID? THIS IS UNASSAILABLE! YOU CANNOT HOPE TO ATTAIN THE BENEVOLENT PEAKS THAT THIS FLAVOR DISC PROVIDES, YOU HAPLESS DEGENERATE. YOU SPEND HOURS EVERY DAY GOONING ON CHITTR.ING WHEN THERE'S A VERITABLE CORNUCOPIA OF EXPERIENCES WAITING FOR YOU OUTSIDE YOUR FRONT DOOR IF YOU JUST SEEK TO ATTAIN THEM,. THE CRUST FOUGHT ME. IT WAS A BRIEF STRUGGLE TO BITE INTO BEFORE ITS CRISPY DENSENESS YIELDED TO THE SUPERIOR MIGHT OF MY FANGS, LIKE A LOVER JUST A TOUCH TOO SHY TO GIVE IN RIGHT AWAY. THE SAUCE SETTLED ON TOP, A TEASING OCEAN OF TOMATO AND PESTO. SHE STARED AT ME IN OUR TWIN COLOR, EYES ALLURING AND INSPIRING A GROWL FROM ME. IT WAS FERAL. I'M NOT PROUD OF THE WAY I TOOK HER. THE WAY I CLAMPED MY CLAWS AROUND HER AND TORE INTO HER SUPPLE FLESH. ...WHAT? DID YOU THINK THAT WAS #SUGGESTIVE? I'M DESCRIBING BITING INTO A SLICE OF PIZZA YOU FUCKING DEGENERATE. GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER. THE CHEESE WAS THICK. HAVING BEEN BAKED INTO THE BASED LAYER OF THE PIZZA MEANT THAT SHIT WAS LIKE A LAVA EXPLOSION IN MY MOUTH. THERE WAS SO MUCH OF IT I THOUGHT I MIGHT DIE. IT SCORNED ME AT FIRST, BURNED THE SHIT OUT OF MY CHIN, BUT ENTICED ME WITH HER FLAVOR. SO I PUT IT DOWN AND TOOK A HUGE GLUG OF COKE (WITH ICE) AND THANK YOU TO THE GIORDANO'S STAFF FOR THEIR SWIFT RESPONSE BECAUSE ANY LONGER AND I MIGHT HAVE SCREAMED A LOT AND MADE EVERYONE IN THE RESTAURANT LOOK AT ME FUNNY AND THAT WOULD HAVE MADE ME NOT WANT TO POST THIS AT ALL. THE FLAVOR PROFILE WAS IMMACULATE. EVERY FLAVOR BLENDED INTO EACH OTHER SO PERFECTLY BUT STILL KEPT THEMSELVES CHASTELY DISTINCT, EACH SHOWING ME WHAT THEY HAD GOING FOR THEM INDIVIDUALLY AS WELL AS A COLLECTIVE. THEY WERE LIKE MY THREE GIRLFRIENDS. AND YES THEY SMOKED WEED. TO PUT INTO THE SIMPLEST WORDS POSSIBLE. I AM A CHANGED MAN. I AM A DIFFERENT PERSON THAN WHO WALKED INTO THAT PIZZA PLACE. THAT SHIT WAS ALSO WAY TOO FUCKING MUCH FOR ME TO EAT IN ONE SITTING SO I STILL HAVE A FEW SLICES LEFT THAT I TOOK HOME AND SHOVED IN THE FRIDGE. VRISKA, IF YOU'RE READING THIS KEEP YOUR HANDSY THIEF PAWS OFF OF MY FUCKING PIZZA I MARKED IT WITH MY BLOOD AND PUNCHED IN TRIPLICATE THAT IT'S FUCKING *MINE*, OKAY? I DIDN'T LEAVE YOU HIGH AND DRY I GOT YOU A BBQ MEATLOVERS IT'S IN THE FRIDGE ON THE BOTTOM SHELF, OKAY? I EVEN GOT YOU A 2L OF SPRITE. YOU *LOVE* SPRITE. IS THIS ENOUGH APPEASEMENT FOR YOU TO KEEP YOUR LOUSY, NO GOOD CLAWS OFF OF MY FOOD? YES? GOOD. GLAD WE COULD COME TO AN AGREEMENT. FINAL VERDICT: 10/10. I'VE FOUND A NEW LOVE IN LIFE. A NEW *PURPOSE.* THERE'S A WHOLE WORLD OUT THERE, GUYS. ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS GO OUT AND SEIZE IT. CARPE DICKEM OR WHATEVER. THANK YOU AND GOONNIGHT. I MEAN GOODNIGHT.
next time can you record yourself eatin the pizza an smackin your lips slowwly
awwright fearless leader im takin the hint and goin out for pizza i shall say a prayer of thanks unto you for blessin me wwith your infinite culinary wwisdom and im only being half-sarcastic, the revvieww is sellin it to me big time as a guy wwho typically prefers neww hork pizza, because of course human neww york is simply superior in all respects
LISTEN DUDE, PREPARE TO BE FUCKING FLOORED. IT'S JUST NOT NATURAL HOW GOOD THIS SHIT IS.
...ON WHETHER OR NOT I CONCOCT A FETISH VIDEO FOR AN INCEL? I'M GOOD, MAN.