KALLUM VANTAS
@cheekyGit
DO ME A FAVOR AND GIVE ME A PINT OR BUGGER OFF FOR ME MATE. #COMEONALTERNIA
HONEST TO EVERYTHING, SOME OF YOU LOT ARE AS USEFUL AS A FUCKING CHOCOLATE TEAPOT. x
You've got no leg to stand on here, dude, I'm pretty sure we just had a conversation about one-sided fanisms.
WHAT ARE WE? *WHAT ARE WE*???????? YOU’RE NOTHING TO ME, PONY PAL. ASIDE FROM YOUR TOLERABLE DRAWINGS AND A BRIEF CONVERSATION WHAT, A DAY AGO? YOU COULD BE SOMETHING, IF YOU REALLY TRY HARD, SURE, BUT AS OF TYPING THIS, YOU ARE TO ME WHAT THE PUB WALLPAPER IS TO A GUY LIKE KALLUM VANTAS. A LOVELY ATMOSPHERIC ADDITION TO THE MUCH MORE INTERESTING AND SOMETIMES DISGUSTING PINT OF WHATEVER THE FUCK IS IN FRONT OF ME AT THAT MOMENT. WE CAN SEE IF YOU GET BEYOND THAT, THOUGH.
YOU'RE A DISGUSTING FUCKING SHADOW SENT BY PARADOX SPACE TO TORMENT ME SPECIFICALLY. I MUST DO SOMETHING REALLY FUCKING IRRETRIEVABLY HORRIBLE IN THE FUTURE, OR SOME OTHER TIMELINE, THAT MEANS THAT *I* HAVE TO BE PUNISHED HERE AND NOW BY TALKING TO YOU.
JUST DROVE PAST A PLACE CALLED CUCKFIELD #COMEONTROLLBRITAIN x
HAPPY FRIDAY YOU TOSSERS, I’M TOO BUSY FOR A FIGHT BECAUSE I’M GETTING ABSOLUTELY FUCKING DOUBLE DECKERED FROM ALL THESE PINTS I’M KNOCKING BACK, WHOEVER WANTS TO SNOG INSTEAD, HIT MY FUCKING LINE x
YOU WERE JUST THE LAD I WAS HOPING TO SEE TONIGHT XXXXXXX x
GIVE THIS ONE AN EAR WAG BRUV. SET YOU RIGHT. BLUR, THE ABSOLUTE MANIACS, FUCKING HELL, BEST SONG TO EVER EXIST. x
wait are they playing slaps in the music video?
AH, EXCEPT NOT SO FAST, BECAUSE BEFORISH SLAPS ARE DIFFERENT. WE SLAP YE CROSS THE GOB INSTEAD. GET READY FOR THE WIND UP. x
HE THINKS HE CAN TAKE ME. I’D WIPE THE FLOOR WITH THAT BUGGER. COME ON MATE LET’S BE REALISTIC HERE. x
YOURE ACTUALLY BRITISH???????????????????????????????????????
HAPPY FUCKING TUESDAY LADS. I’VE HAD A COUPLE OF PINTS AND I’M READY TO FRONDWRESTLE ANY BLOODY ARSEWIPE IN ALTERNIA IF THEY THINK THEY CAN TAKE ME. YOU’VE GOT NO CHANCE, I’M THE MAN, BUT WEY, GIVE IT A GO. x
@CARBOLICGALVANOLOGIST STOP HATING MY CHITS BRUV OR ARE YOU LOOKING TO SCRAP? x
IF THESE SNACKS YOU'RE TOOTING YOUR FUCKTRUMPET ABOUT ARE ABSOLUTE SHIT, IT'S A SCRAP YOU'LL FUCKING GET. DO NOT DISAPPOINT ME, VANTAS I'M NAUSEATED TO CALL A VANTAS. DO NOT DISAPPOINT ME, GERRY GRUBS.
HE HAS ONE CHANCE. IF THEY'RE GOOD, I'LL EAT MY WORDS. AND TWO FULL FUCKING BAGS.
CAN YOU SAVE ONE FOR ME? AT LEAST? THEY’RE ACTUALLY FIRE AS FUCK, I SWEAR.
UNEXPECTED LEGEND IN BAGGING AREA. TOLIGHT CALLS FOR SOME PROPER FUCKING SCRAN, SO YOU KNOW I HAD TO TAKE A WEE TRIP TO MUCK AND SPLICERS FOR SOME GERRY GRUBS. NOW THESE WILL MAKE YOU CAUSE A FUCKING SCENE. WHAT A FUCKING BELTER OF A SNACK THESE ARE. UN-FUCKING-REAL. TELL YOU WHAT, I’LL HAVE THESE AFTER MY TEA AND THEN YOU BETTER FUCKING WATCH OUT BECAUSE I’M GOING OUT TO START A FIGHT. THESE MAKE ME ABSOLUTELY OFF MY NUGBONE. #BOSH x
MEANS THE JOBS DONE, MEANS IT’S CLEAN AS A WHISTLE. WHICH IS WHAT THIS BAG OF GERRY GRUBS IS ABOUT TO BE OYYYYYYY x
A MILLION ALTERNIAN CAEGARS TO THE FIRST ONE WHO *BOSHES* A HOLE IN THE SPONGECASE OF THIS WALKING MIGRAINE WITH A PALMHUSK. HOW DO THEY TASTE, THOUGH.
THEY ARE RIGHT SOUR BUT THEY’VE GOT A SWEET FINISH. MUCH LIKE ME WHEYYYY. I CAN TRANSPORTALISE YOU SOME MATE x
PEPPERMINT. THESE GIVE ME A TUMMY ACHE AFTER I’VE HAD EM THAT’S WHY I GO OFF ON ONE. x
THERE IS NO WAY IN RIME-FROSTED *HELL* THAT I AM GIVING YOU MY TRANSPORTALI*Z*ER COORDINATES. WE CAN DO THIS BY DEAD DROP. SENDING YOU COORDINATES TO AN UNINHABITED CORNER OF THE FUCKING MOON. OUTSIDE OF THE TIME DILATION ZONE. THAT OUGHT TO BE DEAD ENOUGH FOR WHATEVER PANDEAD OVERSEAS GUMMY SLOP YOU'RE SENDING ME.
TWO BAGS OF GERRY GRUBS ARE COMING YOUR WAY MATE JUST LET ME GET ON THE DELIVEROO SERVICE XXXXX x
WATCHED THE LADIES GO AT IT LAST NIGHT IN THE RING AND I’VE GOTTA SAY, MISS DAMARA YOU ABSOLUTELY FUCKING DOUBLE DECKERED THAT LITTLE ROCKET OF A TWINK. 10/10. ALMOST SPILT ME GUINNESS CLAPPING FOR YOU MATE GOOD ON YOU #GETIN #WWE @HANDMAID @CHELIFORMGYVES x
FAKE NEWS. YOUR SOFT. WEAK. SMALL. PATHETIC. LIMP. USELESS. DELICATE. BEFORAN. FEM TWINK BODY. IS AS USELESS AS YOUR SAD LITTLE BULGE. NO PRODUCT OF YOUR SILLY LITTLE PLANET. WILL EVER COME CLOSE. TO TOUCHING THE SEARING MIGHT. OF THE GREEN SUN.
YOU ARE WEAK AND IMPOTENT. THE RUNNIEST SMEAR OF SLURRY ON THE ENTIRE PAIL THAT IS BEFORUS. YOU NEVER HAD A CHANCE AGAINST AN #ALPHA #SEME #DOM #TOP #HARD #ALTERNIAN #BOSS #BEAST.
STRAWBERRY FAYGO. IT’S FUCKIN MINGIN INNIT. FUCKING MINGIN. SUCK YA LUSUS @HANDMAID x
IT’S RIGHT DIABOLICAL SWEETHEART BE READY FOR IT. x
SO MANY BEAUTIFUL POSSIBILITIES. I ALMOST DON’T WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT REALLY MEANS. PERHAPS YOU WANT TO RIDE MY FACE WITH YOUR NOOK. OR PAIL MY WINDCHUTE. UNTIL YOUR GLOBES HIT MY CHIN. WHO KNOWS. ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE.
YOU CAN WANT IT AS BADLY AS YOU LIKE. BUT I'M NOT THE UKE EITHER OF YOU ARE IMAGINING. #ALPHA #DOM #TOP #SEME #HARD #EVIL #POWERFUL #DANGEROUS #NSFWE #ALPHA #BEAST.
I’M NOT IMAGINING YOU AS A UKE, KEEP FUCKING DREAMING. I WILL ALSO KEEP DREAMING.
IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY. SPIT IT OUT. DON'T JUST HMM AT ME. LIKE YOUR GAY LITTLE PRINTER.
LOOK AT THIS FUCKING BEAUTY. I’M TELLING YOU NOW LADS, YE HAVE THIS, YOU’RE GONNA TAKE SOMEONE’S FUCKING PAN CLEAN OFF THE SHOULDERS. HAD THIS ONCE, WENT TO BOOZER, SMACKED THIS GRUB, SENT HIM TO BEFORUS AND BACK, MADE A RIGHT MESS OF HIM. SCRAN THIS LADS AND I PROMISE YE, YOU’LL BE UNTOUCHABLE, GET THIS DOWN YE BOYS, HEAVE HO. HTTPS://CDN.IMGCHEST.COM/FILES/971C410EA841.PNG x
Oh you're making me hungry for a good chippy now...
LOOKS LIKE A FUCKING SEA CUCUMBER. #YUCK. HAVE A FRIED SCORPION IN CHILI PASTE. AND MAYBE YOU'LL CALM DOWN.
YOU STEP OUTSIDE YOUR HIVE AND YOU SPEND 20 QUID. STOP THIS ABSOLUTE MADNESS. x
YOU EVER GO TO GREGGS AND ORDER GAS NIBLETS ON TOAST? TELL YOU WHAT. FUCKING. BRILLIANT. IT’S ON THE SECRET MENU. TRY THAT SHITE AND TELL ME YOU AREN’T IMPRESSED YOU DOUGHNUT. HTTPS://CDN.IMGCHEST.COM/FILES/49DA20301826.JPEG x
HAPPY FUCKING FRIDAY LADS. I GOT ME PINT, PRONGIE’S ON THE HUSKTOP, SIMPLE AS. #GETIN #FOOTBALLNOTSOCCER.x
OH YOU'VE BROKEN ME. PARADOX SPACE FINALLY DID IT. NOT EVEN THE DEATHS OF MY FRIENDS COULD MAKE ME FEEL THE THOROUGH FUCKING DESPAIR THAT LOOKING INTO THE EVENT HORIZON THAT IS YOUR EXISTENCE COULD MAKE ME FEEL. I WATCHED MY CLOSEST FRIEND BE RUN THROUGH THE STOMACH, AND IT DIDN'T INSPIRE EVEN A FRACTION OF THE HORROR THAT FINDING THIS ACCOUNT DID. I'M GONNA GIVE UP. I'M GIVING ALL OF IT UP. I'M GOING TO DONATE ALL OF MY BULLSHIT 'CREATOR' WEALTH TO NEWBORN GRUBS, DISAPPEAR INTO THE WILDERNESS WHERE THEY'LL FIND MY BONES IN 8 SWEEPS AFTER I ACCIDENTALLY ATE A POISONOUS MUSHROOM WITHOUT REALIZING. FUCK YOU.
YOU ALRIGHT BRUV HONESTLY WIND YOUR NECK IN x
I WISH I HAD A WITTY RESPONSE TO THIS, BUT MOSTLY I'M JUST FEELING THE DESPERATE, TROLL-BORN URGE TO KILL RISING UP IN ME FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE I LEFT ALTERNIA.