♦ pitied by @gargantuanThottie
Sleepy....
No, you're not "puppyboy" or "catgirl". You're 27 and unemployed. Get a job.
i paused my vibrating cock ring to be here #nsfw
Living rent free in my head does not grant free reign to be a little shit about my hydration choices. I got your eviction notice right here on my desk. Just waiting be signed, sealed and delivered.
Putting ice in orange juice is a war crime. You drink that shit straight from the teat the way mankind intended, no cubes, no dilution, no cowardice. Our ancestors did not crawl out of the primordial ooze, invent agriculture, split the atom, and put a man on the moon just so you could water down a citrus beverage like some kind of pussy bitch. I don't make the rules I just enforce it personally, one Tropicana carton at a time.
Speaking of dogs — a fascinating but frankly overrated evolutionary case study, no shade to my resident tenant — I feel obligated, as someone with a functioning prefrontal cortex, to correct the historical record on equine superiority. A thread. Buckle up. This is educational content now. Equus ferus caballus possesses a stay apparatus, a passive ligament-and-tendon locking mechanism in the limbs that permits standing rest with near-zero muscular expenditure, meaning the modern horse achieves thermoregulatory and metabolic efficiency your average terrestrial predator can only dream about. Canis familiaris, by comparison, is running on comparatively primitive quadrupedal architecture. Furthermore — and I cannot stress this enough — horses possess near-panoramic monocular vision, upwards of 350 degrees, owing to laterally placed orbits, which is a peripheral awareness system objectively superior to literally every domesticated mammal currently competing for your affection. You are glazing an organism with a blind spot roughly the size of its own nose and calling it "loyal." Fascinating. Anyway. Let's also discuss VO2 max, because someone has to. The equine cardiovascular system, in tandem with a proportionally massive spleen functioning as an on-demand erythrocyte reservoir, allows for a mid-exertion hematocrit surge unmatched outside of elite endurance mammals. And as you ponder the mythicality of God's finest creation, this is peer-reviewed physiology. I'm sorry your dog cannot autotransfuse itself mid-sprint but that is simply the material reality of the situation. And before anyone in the replies tries the 'but horses aren't even loyal like dogs' angle, allow me to intervene, because that argument is embarrassingly under-researched, and clearly so was birth control in the era you were conceived. Equine social bonding is documented extensively in the ethological literature as a phenomenon involving individual recognition, separation distress vocalizations, and measurable cortisol spikes when a bonded human or herd-mate is removed from proximity. Therefore, a horse that has bonded with you will identify you by gait, voice, and olfactory signature at range, and will, empirically, choose proximity to you over a herd of its own conspecifics in controlled trials. That is a loyalty that survived a cost-benefit analysis against its own evolutionary imperative to stay with the herd for predator defense, and still picked you. So functionally what I'm saying is: a dog is loyal because ten thousand years of selective breeding optimized it to be loyal, practically at gunpoint, evolutionarily speaking. A horse is loyal despite being a prey animal whose every instinct screams "the herd is survival," and it looked at that instinct, ran a full risk assessment, and said "no, actually, I choose you specifically." Ergo; the horse is vastly superior to the dog for all the reasons above. Also, they look insanely fucking cool. #horse
Had to sit outside the room like a dog.