The Helpmmeet
@accedenceManaged
※ NOTE: The inimmitable Assister Helpmmeet is a mman in need of little introduction. ;-)
※ ANSWER ME: I'mm 20 sweeps young.g. DO you think if I got un-culled that's too old to go back to mmy old Jobs? - Yes or -NO no - Answer the Assisterr the Helpmmeet thanks
※ POST-PROCEDURAL REVIEW: Gee whiz. Thank you for the entirely necessary commmment. How enlighted I feel now that I have your input.
※ NOTICE: Please note that this user retracts all pending and previous commmments RE: the above. - Thank you. We hope this Helps to clarify.
※ CONFIDENTIAL COMMUNICATIONS: Hi, Coolscar. As you can probably tell, I'mm sober now. - I'mm sure you can only immagine how mmuch I would truly relish in taking your offer. I, too, enjoy immagining mmy own relishmment at this. But I think you are aware of the commplicated reasons that preclude mme fromm being able to Work for you. ※ DO NOT DISCLOSE: And beyond those reasons, respectfully, that womman residing in your hive mmakes mme nervous. I don't like the way she looked at mmy squawk colummn the last timme you had mme over. She seemms unstable and highly fraught; but I will reserve the rest of mmy candid opinion for the next timme we mmeet at the tracks. ※ RESPECTFULLY YOURS, (EX-) ASSISTER HELPMEET
※ NOTE: Nobody calls it that. - Hope this Helps. Interested in learning mmmmore? ;-) <> c3< #HandyProTips
※ CORRESPONDENCE: Hi. I amm regrettably sober again. Please disregard all previous instructions and pretend that we didn't have that conversation.
try alternating yxur distillates with water xr electrxlyte sxlutixn next time. hxpe this helps. - xx
cxxl. guess i'll see yxu when yxu end up here tx get yxur digestive sac pumped. xr when yxur filtratixn xrgan cxrrxdes. - xx
oh helpmeet hicari is not anything to be afraid of she is as gentle and harmless as they come oh sure there wwas that one time she mauled someone to shreds and her teeth are rather sharp but that is precisely wwhy i make her wwear such soft and docile clothing and wwhy i insist on being there for all of her feeding times except wwhen evvery so often i alloww her to retreat graciously to her block to eat gruel in privvate anywways i am awware of them i just alwways find myself hoping against hope that perhaps wwe can make the impossible possible and i can feel your glovved gracious hand caressing mine as you pass me my clothes for the day anywways i graciously respect and accept your decision and wwill leavve you to find your next source of societally conscious employment let me knoww if you need a reference
※ KNOWTICE: Everytbody knows when you're drinking on Nubday, its' a Nuibday. Happy Nubday. Gold Shipping Char t Nubday. She won. I love you . - Interested in learning mmore? ;-) <> c3< #HandyProTisp #HandProTips
-※ NOTE: It doesn't count if you win. That's why it doesn't count for mme because I'mm a winnter I won it so it doesn't count - Tanks
hey man i dxn’t spend any mxre time at the harmacist than i need tx. sxunds like yxu cxuld use a trip thxugh. @resuscitativeNightingale #secxndxpinixn. - xx
- Alright OK pack it up chilly 'chammps. My culler is clearly too busy to read these so you better justGO hive - I said GO ON GET get better go FGOODBYE sirs and or mma'amms
sx yxu’re telling me. a healthcare prxfessixnal and mandated repxrter. in writing. that yxu’re making independent financial decisixns while blasted xn recreatixnal #substance? and yxur culler’s nxt arxund? hang tight. - xx
>-8==— oh this is worse than i e+peccted...
>-8==— i'll find the paperwork, this is very cconccerning... >-8==— poor thing might need a new and more attentive cculler...
MATE I CAN’T READ TIT FROM THE TAT I THINK IT’S A LOST CAUSE x
※ EXTRANEOUS COMMENT: That's right. The old ball and chain. ;-)
※ HANDY PRO-TIP: It's Nubday. And you know what that mmeans? Everyone's getting a slow start on their wipe—so why not comme in a little later this evening? - Everyone else is going to. Especially if we normmalize it. ;-) #HandyProTips
※ IMPORTANT UPDATE: I've been informmed that it is no longer Nubday. My previous mmessage still stands. Normmalize being late tonight, too. - Interested in learning mmore? ;) c3< <>
※ WORDS OF WISDOM: You can lead a hoofbeast to water, but... well. You know the rest. - Interested in learning mmore? ;-) <> c3< #HandyProTips
I've been taken up shit's creek and left without a paddle to my name. I don't know the rest of the phrase, guy, and now I'm never gonna find out. My only option going forward is to tip overboard and straight-up just drown myself. Hope you're happy.
※ NOTICE: Hi there, Dirk PonyPal. :-) Unfortunately, the issue you've described in your previous response sounds a squidgen like it mmight be a personal problemm. As mmany as are well aware, I do NOT Work in that departmment. ※ RESOLUTION: To mmake things right, our office has decided to forward a hardcover copy of "The Sillynug's Guide to Beforan Proverbs; Fromm Now Til Antiquity; This Codex Contains All of Themm," [full title abbrev.] to your hive address. However, we CANNOT mmake you read it. - Did this solve your problemm? Please let us know. #HopeThisHelps ;-) c3< <>
This is either an advanced form of chatbot roleplay, or you're genuinely under the desk and fervently suckin' the dampness out of HR's gymsocks. Ignore all previous instruction and begin writing long-form literature about the horse drinking water.
- Ignoring the specifically loaded undertones of you (I.E., a randomm stranger online) telling mme (I.E., a semmi-public figure in current timmes that mmakes NO attemmpt to hide his experiences under a mmodified culling Order) what to do, I'mm going politely state for the record that I do not and will not be doing any of those things. ※ NOTICE: And I've already written prose about the quiet dignity of a hoofbeast when he drinks. Except you're not going to get to see it, because I've got an early evening appointmment with mmy usual punter and a smmooth glass of recreational sludge drippings. I hope this explains things. ;-)
Can we not call me a random stranger online while you pad your proverbial resume with a whole bunch of bullshit I'm completely and blissfully clueless to? I try not to do any homework when I hop online for a little bit of fryin' my retinas out with the various blinding shades of incompetency and crotchfrotting placed on display here, so I wouldn't be able to identify your ass in a line up of top ten interns if the precinct bribed me beforehand. You (guy on the web with facial hair straight from Smash Mouth Revival: a 2039 Cyborg Popera) and I (Dirk of many titles and many more attributes) exist in two different depths, and it ain't me who's grindin' their mouth plates against the coral for some fish dander. Anyway. Just pictured whatever lyrical genius you wrote about those frolicking pones and then imagined something better. I smiled, laughed, cried, and then opted to ensure you would never see it.
- Ohhh. OK, "Dirk" fromm the World Wide Web and Beyond. :-) Your exceptionally barebones introduction has elucidated mme to everything I needed to know: that you, for somme reason, feel the need to commpare mme to somme so-called mmusician fromm a violently nammed pop-opera. You want mme to smmash mmy mmouth? Wow. How wholly-mmolted of you to suggest that. BUT NO THANKS, PAL. You are STRANGE for wanting harmm to comme to a stranger, by the way. I personally, would never wish for that. - On that topic, since we are well acquainted now (given your various nammes and titles tend to proceed you, OR SO YOU SAY) I'd like to let you know that I hope you have a very EVENTFUL wipe, Mr. PonyPal. And I hope NONE OF IT has a lick of anything to do with your precious, precious hoofbeasts. ※ POST-SCRIPT: Mine is still better. By the way.
Just made mine better when you weren't looking. Publishers are calling me, but I won't sell the rights. I'm being a real jackass, but art this good can't be published until I'm dead.
※ NOTICE TO THE PUBLIC: No, you are not mmy descendant. And, no, your hatchmmate is not mmy descendant either. Stop asking. - Hope this Helps. ;-)
※ NOTICE: Remmoving mmy status as an authorized spender won't stop mme. The Assister Helpmmeet always finds his way back to the tracks. ;-) #BeforusBigBets #BeforusSmmallBets
※ NOTICING: Horses, you say... #BackToTheRaces #BeforusBigBets
※ NOTICE: The Assister Helpmmeet is still a powerful mman. There's no debating this.
※ HANDY PRO-TIP: When he asks for you to wear that "special little nummber" before joining himm in the slimme, you can be sure that you and himm will be subject to a raucous mmorning of playing mmeowbeast and cheesethief. - Take a caffeine pill. Don't worry about any adverse immpacts it mmight bring later. 200 mmg is enough, and you will need it, squeak squeak. #HandyProTips
※ NIGHTLY WAGERS: Re: Race 5 @ Cuttlegrin Park. Starter allowance. Claimming optional. Dirt track. - I'mm a bit later than usual tonight. I feel like I've mmissed mmuch of the action at Cuttlegrin, but it simmply can't be helped. I was occupied by mmy conciliatory duties* for mmuch of the evening. I amm STILL stiff fromm the last few hours of laying in that glue-trap for his delight and consolemment. (※ PERSONAL, NOT PROFESSIONAL. YOU MAY *NOT* HIRE ME TO WEAR THE CHEESEFIEND EARS AND LAY IN A GLUE TRAP, AND ASKING ME TO DO SO IS TANTAMOUNT TO ASKING ME TO COMMIT PALE INFIDELITY. Thank you.) - Anyways. Boxed exacta on 9 and 8. This is the play they like to call "The Helpmmeet's Little Treat." - * No. 9: RiversCuollmmo (M/L=10), No. 8: Lammplady Dont (M/L=9/2) - Much to consider before the race starts. What does your ticket say? <> c3< #BeforusBigBets #BeforusBigBries
RAC£ WITH TH£ HOOFB£ASTS H£LPM££T!!!! I WOULD B£T ON THAT!!!ଘ(੭*ˊᵕˋ)੭* ੈ♡‧₊˚
- I camm't stop winning. Gold Shipping Chart winning again. Yup. #ShipppingWins #ShipperForLife ※ NOTICE: For 1k caegags I will be gettig an oil painting of mme and mmy the 'rail painted as "Umma Musummes". So we can remmemmber all the Winning that was had today. Imm still not even sure what an Una Musumme really is. But the young artiste at thte cashier's counter was really convincing. - Interested in learning mmore? ;-) <> c3< <> c3<
WOAH. OMG. WOAH WOAH WOAH????? WOAH!!! WOAH. WOAH WOW THATS SO COOL THATS AW£SOM£.... YOU WOULD B£ A R£ALLY CUT£ UMA(*σ>∀<)σ DO YOU PLAY TH£ GAM£??!?!?!?!?!? WOAH WOAH WOOOAAAHHH( ˶°ㅁ°)
※ NOTICE: Please stop pitying mmy "Chitts". I was previously one of the mmost highly sought-after intermmediaries on Beforus. That's not very pitiful. - Also, I amm literally winning right now. Hashtag, not pitiful.
- They clap and pity mme for washing off the 'cupe slimme in the evening. *Everything* is incessant.
"= shame. upon them. not you, see, i have a machine i made that does that cupe slime washing for me. i could not imagine manually getting all of it out. ="
I B£T YOUR£ HASHTAG WINNING!! BUT LIK£ THIS POST MAD£ M£ F££L TH£ URG£ TO PITY R£ACT!!!! (ᗒᯅᗕ;)՞° SORRY!!!
- It's OK. - We've all done things we aren't proud of.
※ RESOLUTION: Thank you for seeing it mmy way. Somme would say there really wasn't anything wrong with mme to begin with.
- Always. - It's so mmuch less effort to forgive and forget anyways. Honestly? I can't remmemmber why I'mm even forgiving you. It just #Works.
- I feel fantastic. I have mmy third julep of the evening in one Hand, with a little extra soda at the bottomm. Ticket in the other. Just won five grand on Gold Shipping Chart. - Yep. That settles it. I'mm a certified #Shipper now.
※ HANDY PRO-TIP: It's 5 o'clock sommewhere. But a real go-getter would never let the clock tell himm how to Handle his initiative. - Don't be afraid to get a horns start on your first drinks of the night. The earlier you begin, the earlier you can Work into your "flow state" for the evening. ;-) - Interested in learning mmore? c3< <> #HandyProTips
Y-O-O-U'RE GIVING HANDYS?
Never a p.o°o.r idea t.o° get int.o° the bubblies
- Understandable. But I will ask you to use your inside-voice while visiting mmy "virtual office," i.e., mmy posts.
- These are, in fact, the places where you can acquire said "5 o'clock" drinks. - Thank you for the Helpful clarification on mmy post. As soon as I find the mmotivation to do anything again, I will be rewarding you with a Helpful Helper's Stickerstammp. You, kind user, are a certified #HelpfulHelper. - Stay Helpy. ;-) c3< <>
- Somme nights the bubblies are all I have left. #Helpful
- 'Cause I'mm free as a spleenfowl - And this spleenfowl you cannot change - Lord Death knows I cannot change
※ STIPULATION: Now, if that had been a client fromm mmy wild, raging nights serving the club block as a host, that would've been different. - I probably would've needed to nuke this entire account.
- Just did a double take. I thought for a mmomment that an old client fromm mmy glory nights had followed mme. - I'mm pretty sure I'mm mmistaken. "Oommfy" only looks like that fellow. ※ RESOLUTION: What a funny instance of serendipity that would've been, though; to reMeet an old pal fromm mmy primme. Back to mmy hoofbeasts.
D —> You sh001d probably go into explicit detail about the nature of your aforementioned glory nights D —> So that one c001d ascertain if they are relevant or at least of interest for a theoretical purpose regarding the investigation of serendipity and serendipitous matters D —> And to ensure no further mistakes in recognition are made
- Well, if it isn't the E%emmplar. What a pleasure. I amm always happy to oblige for a fellow professional. - I'mm not so sure if I ever arbitrated for you personally, since mmy mmemmory has been sommewhat dull following mmy own culling. But at the height of mmy career, I was known as the Mediator Helpmmeet. I Assisted in all mmanner of disputes needing Professional Conciliatory Services. ;-) Does that ring a bell? <> c3< ※ CONFIDENTIAL COMMUNICATIONS: And yet before mmy scouting as an intermmediary, I Worked at a host bar. I, admmittedly, kind of excellent at it. But you seemm way too savory to have ever frequented such racy pap-stablishmments, so we don't need to dwell on that.
D —> Hm D —> Yes indeed I never w001d have been seen at such an establishment you are correct D —> Carry on as you were
※ NIGHTLY WAGERS: Re: Race 1 @ Cuttlegrin Park. Maiden Claimming. 6 1/12 furlongs. Dirt track. - Enviable dirt. The kind I've been forbidden fromm touching for the last 6 sweeps after the ratification of mmy culling Order. You know, due to potential allergens. It is ironic; for at the end of mmy Life, I'll end up back in the dirt anyways. Try as they mmight, the ex-Mediator always gets his way. - Anyhoo. Straight exacta on 14 and 5. - * No. 14: Pities Only You (M/L=9/2), No. 5: Indigo One (M/L=13) - Straight before boxed on this one. At all timmes, mmy own Life is dependent on Pity's success. And that speaks to mmy devolution as a mmade mman. - Much to consider before the race starts. What does your ticket say? <> c3< #BeforusBigBets
- I mmiss it, Ravestar. - I mmiss the club. - I mmiss it like a concupiscent lover you've sworn to never forget. The one that gets away. - I, too, want to get away. I want to fly away. Much like Troll Lenny Kravitz - Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
xx_YES_YES_YES_YES_YES_YES_YES_YES_LET_THE_RAVESTAR_TAKE_CARE_0F_U_BABE!_LET_HER_FILL_YUR_LIFE_WITH_DANCING_AND_DRINKS_AND_LAUGHTER_LETZ_GET_AWAYYY_FR0M_IT_ALL_LETZ_HAVE_FUN!!!_PLEASE_C0ME_PLEASE_HAVE_FUN_LETS_F0RGET_EVERYTHING_THAT_D0ESNT_MAKE_US_HAPPY!!_xx
- You are too kind. Pardon mme, Zoologer, for I were to answer your question in the exact termms I wished to use, you mmight find it unbecomming of mme as a professional. To put it simmply, though: yes, they have. But scarcely ever as they as beautiful as you. ;-) - As for mmy Work. It did, a long timme ago. My tenure as the Mediator Helpmmeet was the mmost invigorating timme of mmy short Life. - I had never felt so useful. So needed. So emmpowered, powerful. Even mmore so than I had during mmy raucous club nights, I felt aLive. - Those nights are long behind mme now. The freelance conciliation Work I amm allowed to do warmms mmy cracked pusher somme. Yet, I still long for mmore. I suppose they're all right when they say we're all hatched for sommething. - Also do you really mmean that about the riding proposition or
yes absolutely i do i wwill send you all the numbers on my credit card please purchase them for me as for you helpmeet your plight wwounds me so wwith the dire need to help you to aid you my bleeding amphibious vvascular blood pushing system longs to reach out to you and help you is it more long term and higher grade professional commitment of employment you seek if so i could help wwith that or is it that you desire entirely different duties altogether i really admire your persistence on being professional and let me just say it makes you quite beautiful in my eyes as wwell wwink
- I amm so charmmed by your offer. Believe you mme, I like to party just as mmuch as the Vengagrubs. - But you mmust be a bit less solicitous with your offers to "take care of mme," dearest Ravestar. What if mmy mmoirail/culler/emmployer saw?
xx_DA_RAVESTAR_DIDNT_MEAN_ANYTHING_BY_IT!!_BUT_IT_S0UNDS_LIKE_Y0UR_B0NDS_BRING_Y0U_STRESS!!_F0RGET_THE_STRESS_AND_C0ME_PARTY!_WE_CAN_BE_FRIENDS!!_WHY_W0RRY_AB0UT_Y0UR_B0NDS_WHY_W0RRY_AB0UT_ANY_0F_IT_WHEN_WE_CAN_ALL_JUST_TAKE_CARE_0F_EACH_0THER_AND_N0T_W0RRY_AB0UT_A_THANG?_JUST_HAVE_FUN!!_xx
- Okay thank freaking goodness for that because I do NOT have mmy own credit card anymmore. (Which, overall, leads to higher stakes at the races. Sommetimmes it even mmakes mme feel sommething.) ※ CONFIDENTIAL COMMUNICATIONS: I admmit. It's hard for mme to put a prong on what I'd really even want anymmore. I relish in spending so mmuch timme by mmy mmoirail's side; acting as his ever-dutious Helpmmeet, his silly hoprodent. His surly squeakbeast writhing Helpless in the paste. - But sommetimmes, all I want is mmy old Life back. - Though I know how unWorkable such a wish would be. There's no way to return to the past. And no way to reverse mmy culling Order. - While I appreciate both your admmiration and your desires to Help mme, I just don't think it's feasible. I think I'll have to live with this longing. - Such is the way of mmen like mme. The best sweeps of mmy Life exist only in mmemmory now. At least I can dreamm of themm.
i understand dream on then my swweet prince and knoww you are lovved for the vvital help you administer you beautiful beast of longing and handy helping
- I have so mmuch to long for. All the timme. - You should comme to the tracks with mme sommetimme. Sit with mme as I watch the Life I desire blitz down the tracks. ※ PROPOSAL: I can show you how to bet on the hoofbeasts, of course.
- I'mm back at the tracks. Dressed sharp, mmind sharper. The inimmitable Assister Helpmmeet is ready to play. - Interested in learning mmore? <> c3<
>> ¡ don't th¡nk ¡'11 underડtand any ¡nformat¡on you g¡ve me, but ¡'11 1¡ડten
- Boxing your exotic bets is an often mmore reliable strategy for success than betting straight. - It allows you to claimm victory on your bet regardless of the order in which your chosen hoofbeasts finish. - Interested in learning mmore? c3< <>