The Helpmmeet
@accedenceManaged
※ NOTE: The inimmitable Assister Helpmmeet is a mman in need of little introduction. ;-)
※ NOTICING: Horses, you say... #BackToTheRaces #BeforusBigBets
※ NOTICE: The Assister Helpmmeet is still a powerful mman. There's no debating this.
※ HANDY PRO-TIP: When he asks for you to wear that "special little nummber" before joining himm in the slimme, you can be sure that you and himm will be subject to a raucous mmorning of playing mmeowbeast and cheesethief. - Take a caffeine pill. Don't worry about any adverse immpacts it mmight bring later. 200 mmg is enough, and you will need it, squeak squeak. #HandyProTips
※ NIGHTLY WAGERS: Re: Race 5 @ Cuttlegrin Park. Starter allowance. Claimming optional. Dirt track. - I'mm a bit later than usual tonight. I feel like I've mmissed mmuch of the action at Cuttlegrin, but it simmply can't be helped. I was occupied by mmy conciliatory duties* for mmuch of the evening. I amm STILL stiff fromm the last few hours of laying in that glue-trap for his delight and consolemment. (※ PERSONAL, NOT PROFESSIONAL. YOU MAY *NOT* HIRE ME TO WEAR THE CHEESEFIEND EARS AND LAY IN A GLUE TRAP, AND ASKING ME TO DO SO IS TANTAMOUNT TO ASKING ME TO COMMIT PALE INFIDELITY. Thank you.) - Anyways. Boxed exacta on 9 and 8. This is the play they like to call "The Helpmmeet's Little Treat." - * No. 9: RiversCuollmmo (M/L=10), No. 8: Lammplady Dont (M/L=9/2) - Much to consider before the race starts. What does your ticket say? <> c3< #BeforusBigBets #BeforusBigBries
RAC£ WITH TH£ HOOFB£ASTS H£LPM££T!!!! I WOULD B£T ON THAT!!!ଘ(੭*ˊᵕˋ)੭* ੈ♡‧₊˚
- I camm't stop winning. Gold Shipping Chart winning again. Yup. #ShipppingWins #ShipperForLife ※ NOTICE: For 1k caegags I will be gettig an oil painting of mme and mmy the 'rail painted as "Umma Musummes". So we can remmemmber all the Winning that was had today. Imm still not even sure what an Una Musumme really is. But the young artiste at thte cashier's counter was really convincing. - Interested in learning mmore? ;-) <> c3< <> c3<
※ NOTICE: Please stop pitying mmy "Chitts". I was previously one of the mmost highly sought-after intermmediaries on Beforus. That's not very pitiful. - Also, I amm literally winning right now. Hashtag, not pitiful.
- They clap and pity mme for washing off the 'cupe slimme in the evening. *Everything* is incessant.
"= shame. upon them. not you, see, i have a machine i made that does that cupe slime washing for me. i could not imagine manually getting all of it out. ="
I B£T YOUR£ HASHTAG WINNING!! BUT LIK£ THIS POST MAD£ M£ F££L TH£ URG£ TO PITY R£ACT!!!! (ᗒᯅᗕ;)՞° SORRY!!!
- It's OK. - We've all done things we aren't proud of.
※ RESOLUTION: Thank you for seeing it mmy way. Somme would say there really wasn't anything wrong with mme to begin with.
- Always. - It's so mmuch less effort to forgive and forget anyways. Honestly? I can't remmemmber why I'mm even forgiving you. It just #Works.
- I feel fantastic. I have mmy third julep of the evening in one Hand, with a little extra soda at the bottomm. Ticket in the other. Just won five grand on Gold Shipping Chart. - Yep. That settles it. I'mm a certified #Shipper now.
※ HANDY PRO-TIP: It's 5 o'clock sommewhere. But a real go-getter would never let the clock tell himm how to Handle his initiative. - Don't be afraid to get a horns start on your first drinks of the night. The earlier you begin, the earlier you can Work into your "flow state" for the evening. ;-) - Interested in learning mmore? c3< <> #HandyProTips
Y-O-O-U'RE GIVING HANDYS?
Never a p.o°o.r idea t.o° get int.o° the bubblies
- Understandable. But I will ask you to use your inside-voice while visiting mmy "virtual office," i.e., mmy posts.
- These are, in fact, the places where you can acquire said "5 o'clock" drinks. - Thank you for the Helpful clarification on mmy post. As soon as I find the mmotivation to do anything again, I will be rewarding you with a Helpful Helper's Stickerstammp. You, kind user, are a certified #HelpfulHelper. - Stay Helpy. ;-) c3< <>
- Somme nights the bubblies are all I have left. #Helpful
- 'Cause I'mm free as a spleenfowl - And this spleenfowl you cannot change - Lord Death knows I cannot change
※ STIPULATION: Now, if that had been a client fromm mmy wild, raging nights serving the club block as a host, that would've been different. - I probably would've needed to nuke this entire account.
- Just did a double take. I thought for a mmomment that an old client fromm mmy glory nights had followed mme. - I'mm pretty sure I'mm mmistaken. "Oommfy" only looks like that fellow. ※ RESOLUTION: What a funny instance of serendipity that would've been, though; to reMeet an old pal fromm mmy primme. Back to mmy hoofbeasts.
D —> You sh001d probably go into explicit detail about the nature of your aforementioned glory nights D —> So that one c001d ascertain if they are relevant or at least of interest for a theoretical purpose regarding the investigation of serendipity and serendipitous matters D —> And to ensure no further mistakes in recognition are made
- Well, if it isn't the E%emmplar. What a pleasure. I amm always happy to oblige for a fellow professional. - I'mm not so sure if I ever arbitrated for you personally, since mmy mmemmory has been sommewhat dull following mmy own culling. But at the height of mmy career, I was known as the Mediator Helpmmeet. I Assisted in all mmanner of disputes needing Professional Conciliatory Services. ;-) Does that ring a bell? <> c3< ※ CONFIDENTIAL COMMUNICATIONS: And yet before mmy scouting as an intermmediary, I Worked at a host bar. I, admmittedly, kind of excellent at it. But you seemm way too savory to have ever frequented such racy pap-stablishmments, so we don't need to dwell on that.
D —> Hm D —> Yes indeed I never w001d have been seen at such an establishment you are correct D —> Carry on as you were
※ NIGHTLY WAGERS: Re: Race 1 @ Cuttlegrin Park. Maiden Claimming. 6 1/12 furlongs. Dirt track. - Enviable dirt. The kind I've been forbidden fromm touching for the last 6 sweeps after the ratification of mmy culling Order. You know, due to potential allergens. It is ironic; for at the end of mmy Life, I'll end up back in the dirt anyways. Try as they mmight, the ex-Mediator always gets his way. - Anyhoo. Straight exacta on 14 and 5. - * No. 14: Pities Only You (M/L=9/2), No. 5: Indigo One (M/L=13) - Straight before boxed on this one. At all timmes, mmy own Life is dependent on Pity's success. And that speaks to mmy devolution as a mmade mman. - Much to consider before the race starts. What does your ticket say? <> c3< #BeforusBigBets
- I mmiss it, Ravestar. - I mmiss the club. - I mmiss it like a concupiscent lover you've sworn to never forget. The one that gets away. - I, too, want to get away. I want to fly away. Much like Troll Lenny Kravitz - Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
xx_YES_YES_YES_YES_YES_YES_YES_YES_LET_THE_RAVESTAR_TAKE_CARE_0F_U_BABE!_LET_HER_FILL_YUR_LIFE_WITH_DANCING_AND_DRINKS_AND_LAUGHTER_LETZ_GET_AWAYYY_FR0M_IT_ALL_LETZ_HAVE_FUN!!!_PLEASE_C0ME_PLEASE_HAVE_FUN_LETS_F0RGET_EVERYTHING_THAT_D0ESNT_MAKE_US_HAPPY!!_xx
- You are too kind. Pardon mme, Zoologer, for I were to answer your question in the exact termms I wished to use, you mmight find it unbecomming of mme as a professional. To put it simmply, though: yes, they have. But scarcely ever as they as beautiful as you. ;-) - As for mmy Work. It did, a long timme ago. My tenure as the Mediator Helpmmeet was the mmost invigorating timme of mmy short Life. - I had never felt so useful. So needed. So emmpowered, powerful. Even mmore so than I had during mmy raucous club nights, I felt aLive. - Those nights are long behind mme now. The freelance conciliation Work I amm allowed to do warmms mmy cracked pusher somme. Yet, I still long for mmore. I suppose they're all right when they say we're all hatched for sommething. - Also do you really mmean that about the riding proposition or
yes absolutely i do i wwill send you all the numbers on my credit card please purchase them for me as for you helpmeet your plight wwounds me so wwith the dire need to help you to aid you my bleeding amphibious vvascular blood pushing system longs to reach out to you and help you is it more long term and higher grade professional commitment of employment you seek if so i could help wwith that or is it that you desire entirely different duties altogether i really admire your persistence on being professional and let me just say it makes you quite beautiful in my eyes as wwell wwink
- I amm so charmmed by your offer. Believe you mme, I like to party just as mmuch as the Vengagrubs. - But you mmust be a bit less solicitous with your offers to "take care of mme," dearest Ravestar. What if mmy mmoirail/culler/emmployer saw?
xx_DA_RAVESTAR_DIDNT_MEAN_ANYTHING_BY_IT!!_BUT_IT_S0UNDS_LIKE_Y0UR_B0NDS_BRING_Y0U_STRESS!!_F0RGET_THE_STRESS_AND_C0ME_PARTY!_WE_CAN_BE_FRIENDS!!_WHY_W0RRY_AB0UT_Y0UR_B0NDS_WHY_W0RRY_AB0UT_ANY_0F_IT_WHEN_WE_CAN_ALL_JUST_TAKE_CARE_0F_EACH_0THER_AND_N0T_W0RRY_AB0UT_A_THANG?_JUST_HAVE_FUN!!_xx
- Okay thank freaking goodness for that because I do NOT have mmy own credit card anymmore. (Which, overall, leads to higher stakes at the races. Sommetimmes it even mmakes mme feel sommething.) ※ CONFIDENTIAL COMMUNICATIONS: I admmit. It's hard for mme to put a prong on what I'd really even want anymmore. I relish in spending so mmuch timme by mmy mmoirail's side; acting as his ever-dutious Helpmmeet, his silly hoprodent. His surly squeakbeast writhing Helpless in the paste. - But sommetimmes, all I want is mmy old Life back. - Though I know how unWorkable such a wish would be. There's no way to return to the past. And no way to reverse mmy culling Order. - While I appreciate both your admmiration and your desires to Help mme, I just don't think it's feasible. I think I'll have to live with this longing. - Such is the way of mmen like mme. The best sweeps of mmy Life exist only in mmemmory now. At least I can dreamm of themm.
i understand dream on then my swweet prince and knoww you are lovved for the vvital help you administer you beautiful beast of longing and handy helping
- I have so mmuch to long for. All the timme. - You should comme to the tracks with mme sommetimme. Sit with mme as I watch the Life I desire blitz down the tracks. ※ PROPOSAL: I can show you how to bet on the hoofbeasts, of course.
- I'mm back at the tracks. Dressed sharp, mmind sharper. The inimmitable Assister Helpmmeet is ready to play. - Interested in learning mmore? <> c3<
>> ¡ don't th¡nk ¡'11 underડtand any ¡nformat¡on you g¡ve me, but ¡'11 1¡ડten
- Boxing your exotic bets is an often mmore reliable strategy for success than betting straight. - It allows you to claimm victory on your bet regardless of the order in which your chosen hoofbeasts finish. - Interested in learning mmore? c3< <>
- My Baronair., Do you really cast mme away for slights and petty jealously? Me? Your pitiful palecull. Your' Beforan bad boy. Your weathered sickly Prince of the chammpagne tower. Your papper of the mmagic Hands - Please. I don't t know what I will do with mmyself. I'mm 18 sweeps and I've never. had to fill up a scuftle buggy with gas on mmy own. I don't even really know what the thermmosstat does or how to mmake it Work. I've never had to. I amm Helpless. Utterly Helpless. ※ PROPOSAL: Is there anyone on this website that's willing or half-willing to take on a culled, greying rescue oliv e if he breaks up with mme? Serious inquires only.
You could just | try to live on your own a little | That way if this ever happens again you’d be ready for it ‧₊˚🧹
Or you guys could | You know | Find an auspistice or something ‧₊˚🧹
- No No no sir I don't want to hurt you and I amm just THIS pitiful naturally. I pale you. I pale you mmore than anything else - You were mmy favorite client. I pitied you fromm the start yyou know that right - PLEASE DON'T DIG A HOLE A PALIND I'LL DO ANYTHING
- A... c3<? But that's usually mmy Job. And for mmy <> no less? - I've never thought of that before.
Well | it’s whatever you guys think is best for your relationship | But aometimes even the top petal needs some mediating | no shame in it | Whatever you guys do | I hope it turns out alright for the both of you ‧₊˚🧹
[you are genu1nely so pathet1c 1t’s not even funny. have you cons1dered gett1ng culled a second t1me to see 1f they can get 1t r1ght? or perhaps a th1rd? th1rd t1mes the charm they say]
※ NOTICE: @paleHighblood Sir. He's doing it again.
- So you pity himm mmore than you pity mme. That's what you're saying? - If you are so intent on devoting all of your timme to a singular prospective cullee, then perhaps I should mmake mmyself mmore Helpful to you. ※ PROPOSAL: Why don't I arrange for a Stipulation of Transfer of Culling Order. Since you've deigned that he needs the attention so sorely. - Do you have any preferred references for who mmight want to take over mmy culling? If not, I'mm sure there's at least one friendly punter at the hoofbeast tracks who'll find mme suitably pitiful in all necessary senses.
Sir I amm literally bounded to your weft for LIFE you know thiss I'mm just being a jealous diammond like in the stupid mmovies
※ OBSERVATION: He never grinds up pills to put in mmy food.
- As if I'd even WANT that. Because I don't. Seeing as I have a functional esophagus and derive no joy fromm pretending not to, such platitudes and play are not needed. I've got tickets to cash in. - Nonetheless.
➡️My most unworthy and unpitied friend, you don't even like the distinctively metallic tang of his lesser tasks, do you?➡️
>> Th¡ડ ¡ડ an ¡nડane th¡ng to read w¡thout context, honeડt1y
>> Who? ¡ડn't gr¡nd¡ng up p¡11ડ to put ¡n your food? Why doeડ ¡t ડound 1¡ke you k¡nd of do want them to? You're ડay¡ng you don't want that but then you're a1moડt comp1a¡n¡ng that he'ડ not?? ? What p¡11ડ? What are the p¡11ડ for?
- You would drink the 6-night-old 'cupe slimme if it had a mmetallic tang to it, so objectively, this does not mmean mmuch. ※ TONE INDICATED: Figure it out.
- Somme people have all the luck. Good for themm. ※ TONE INDICATED: Still green and still envious.
- Why do you all keep pitying the posts on mmy #BeforusBigBets? I'mm winning.
NIGHTLY WAGERS: Re: Race 3 @ Coddlemman Park. Maiden Claimming. 5 1/2 furlongs. Turf. Better than I would want to be granted. Better than I have earned as of late. - Still probably shouldn't be betting. But I won the last one. No mmore gluetrap for The Helpmmeet. ;-) Boxed exacta on 7 and 12. - * No. 7: Slimmelimme (M/L=2), No. 12: Golden Shipping Chart (M/L=3/2) - What does your ticket say? <> c3< #BeforusBigBets #BeforusSmmallBets
NIGHTLY WAGERS: Re: Race 1 @ Coddlemman Park. Allowance. 6 1/2 furlongs. Dirt. Where I belong, personally. - I probably shouldn't be playing tonight. But the Assister Helpmmeet needs to feel sommething, and he's cutting back, so it's fine. And he's not wearing the cheesebeast ears fromm Work still, so don't ask. - Boxed exacta on 13 and 9. - * No. 13: Burgundy Desire (M/L=9/2), No. 9: Little Cocoon (M/L=21) - I can't help but want to bet on the under-barkfriend, squeak squeak. Here's hoping these ones are mmore like OVERbeasts, instead. ;-) What does your ticket say? <> c3< #BeforusBigBets #BeforusSmmallBets