The Helpmmeet
@accedenceManaged
※ NOTE: The inimmitable Assister Helpmmeet is a mman in need of little introduction. ;-)
※ NIGHTLY WAGERS: Re: Race 5 @ Cuttlegrin Park. Starter allowance. Claimming optional. Dirt track. - I'mm a bit later than usual tonight. I feel like I've mmissed mmuch of the action at Cuttlegrin, but it simmply can't be helped. I was occupied by mmy conciliatory duties* for mmuch of the evening. I amm STILL stiff fromm the last few hours of laying in that glue-trap for his delight and consolemment. (※ PERSONAL, NOT PROFESSIONAL. YOU MAY *NOT* HIRE ME TO WEAR THE CHEESEFIEND EARS AND LAY IN A GLUE TRAP, AND ASKING ME TO DO SO IS TANTAMOUNT TO ASKING ME TO COMMIT PALE INFIDELITY. Thank you.) - Anyways. Boxed exacta on 9 and 8. This is the play they like to call "The Helpmmeet's Little Treat." - * No. 9: RiversCuollmmo (M/L=10), No. 8: Lammplady Dont (M/L=9/2) - Much to consider before the race starts. What does your ticket say? <> c3< #BeforusBigBets #BeforusBigBries
※ ANSWER ME: I'mm 20 sweeps young.g. DO you think if I got un-culled that's too old to go back to mmy old Jobs? - Yes or -NO no - Answer the Assisterr the Helpmmeet thanks
※ POST-PROCEDURAL REVIEW: Gee whiz. Thank you for the entirely necessary commmment. How enlighted I feel now that I have your input.
※ NOTICE: Please note that this user retracts all pending and previous commmments RE: the above. - Thank you. We hope this Helps to clarify.
veisalgia. remember tx hydrate. - xx
※ CONFIDENTIAL COMMUNICATIONS: Hi, Coolscar. As you can probably tell, I'mm sober now. - I'mm sure you can only immagine how mmuch I would truly relish in taking your offer. I, too, enjoy immagining mmy own relishmment at this. But I think you are aware of the commplicated reasons that preclude mme fromm being able to Work for you. ※ DO NOT DISCLOSE: And beyond those reasons, respectfully, that womman residing in your hive mmakes mme nervous. I don't like the way she looked at mmy squawk colummn the last timme you had mme over. She seemms unstable and highly fraught; but I will reserve the rest of mmy candid opinion for the next timme we mmeet at the tracks. ※ RESPECTFULLY YOURS, (EX-) ASSISTER HELPMEET
※ NOTE: Nobody calls it that. - Hope this Helps. Interested in learning mmmmore? ;-) <> c3< #HandyProTips
※ CORRESPONDENCE: Hi. I amm regrettably sober again. Please disregard all previous instructions and pretend that we didn't have that conversation.
try alternating yxur distillates with water xr electrxlyte sxlutixn next time. hxpe this helps. - xx
cxxl. guess i'll see yxu when yxu end up here tx get yxur digestive sac pumped. xr when yxur filtratixn xrgan cxrrxdes. - xx
oh helpmeet hicari is not anything to be afraid of she is as gentle and harmless as they come oh sure there wwas that one time she mauled someone to shreds and her teeth are rather sharp but that is precisely wwhy i make her wwear such soft and docile clothing and wwhy i insist on being there for all of her feeding times except wwhen evvery so often i alloww her to retreat graciously to her block to eat gruel in privvate anywways i am awware of them i just alwways find myself hoping against hope that perhaps wwe can make the impossible possible and i can feel your glovved gracious hand caressing mine as you pass me my clothes for the day anywways i graciously respect and accept your decision and wwill leavve you to find your next source of societally conscious employment let me knoww if you need a reference
※ KNOWTICE: Everytbody knows when you're drinking on Nubday, its' a Nuibday. Happy Nubday. Gold Shipping Char t Nubday. She won. I love you . - Interested in learning mmore? ;-) <> c3< #HandyProTisp #HandProTips
-※ NOTE: It doesn't count if you win. That's why it doesn't count for mme because I'mm a winnter I won it so it doesn't count - Tanks
hey man i dxn’t spend any mxre time at the harmacist than i need tx. sxunds like yxu cxuld use a trip thxugh. @resuscitativeNightingale #secxndxpinixn. - xx
- Alright OK pack it up chilly 'chammps. My culler is clearly too busy to read these so you better justGO hive - I said GO ON GET get better go FGOODBYE sirs and or mma'amms
moe as in cutesy !!
sx yxu’re telling me. a healthcare prxfessixnal and mandated repxrter. in writing. that yxu’re making independent financial decisixns while blasted xn recreatixnal #substance? and yxur culler’s nxt arxund? hang tight. - xx
>-8==— oh this is worse than i e+peccted...
>-8==— i'll find the paperwork, this is very cconccerning... >-8==— poor thing might need a new and more attentive cculler...
MATE I CAN’T READ TIT FROM THE TAT I THINK IT’S A LOST CAUSE x
What Does |t Mean For A Duel|st To Move On To "the B|g Leagues"? That |s A Quest|on All People That Pursue A L|fe Of Confl|ct Must Ask Themselves. You Can Never |mprove |n An Env|ronment That Lacks Challenge, You Must Never Rest Your Laurels Be|ng The K|ng Of A Meager Pond, When Vast Oceans Ex|sts Beyond The Hor|zon. But How Does One Know The|r Bus|ness |s Truly F|n|shed? To Leave Beh|nd The Whelps You Crushed |n Your Yester-sweeps Of Tra|n|ng And Cl|mb|ng? When Do You Dec|de Your L|ttle H|ck Town |s Too Empty, And Your Country S|de "fr|ends" W|ll S|mply Have To Stay Beh|nd As You Go To The B|g C|ty. The Answer |s That You W|ll Never Know For Sure. | See Some Duel|sts Racked W|th Quest|ons And Anx|ety As They Progress. | See Some That Never Th|nk Of Anyth|ng But The Next Bottle Of V|ctory Champagne They W|ll Sp|ll. Ne|ther |s Truly More Certa|n, Only D|fference |s Some People Don't Care |f They Meet Some Arb|trary Standard Of "ready". | Adv|se All Future R|vals Read|ng To Not Fear The Unknown And Have The Strength To Make A Cho|ce Of Where You Shall Go, Before The World Makes A Cho|ce For You.
Yes~!~! One must be decisive to thrive in this world~! Seize life by the shame globes, I always say~~~~!
Are you currently seeking new rivals, by chance~?
| Am Always Seek|ng New R|vals Hektor, What |s L|fe |f Not The Search For The Next Compet|t|ve Meat Judg|ng Tourney R|s|ng Star Or Talented Warr|or W|th An |mplement For Enact|ng Gratu|tous V|olence.
You're saying all the right things, my lad~. My implement is ready and eager~~~~~~~~.
※ EXTRANEOUS COMMENT: That's right. The old ball and chain. ;-)
When my moirail is in one of his "MOOdS" he likes to Pour SCALdING hot CONGEALEd ANd PASTEURIZEd muscle beast milk with miniature green foliage on my laP to get a reaction out of me. I never give it to him unless he's been GOOd but it's sweet that he still tries. #abuse #mutualpalegreement
- I see. So mmy attemmpts at affection aren't good enough for you then. I thought you liked being "palebaited." Well. Shamme on mme. I suppose I was wrong. ※ NOTICE: I will be discontinuing all scheduled and autommatically shipped orders of the mminiature flora, by the way. I don't expect that we'll need it anymmore.
※ URGENT NOTICE: Do *not* call it a pitch fit. If I were vacillating for you right now, you'd be able to tell. ※ ADDENDUM: And your prongsies are cold.
- On the [[lovely]] lounge plank? You're kidding. Haha. You *mmust* be joking, sir. Because weren't you recently aggravated to the point of nearly straining your chitin off fromm having to get that samme living block set re-upholstered? Fromm the previous applications of mmisplaced sopor, mmind you? - Don't mmind mme, though. Your infallibly unswerving, for somme [[friendly]] reason, Assister Helpmmeet will devote his mmorning to cleaning up yet another mmess. With a smmile, no less. ※ INFORMAL SIDEBAR: You know, it's actually kind of FUN for mme to do this. It remminds mme of when I used to have a Life, with things they'd actually let mme DO and Handle on mmy own. That way it was before you all let themm cull a capable, Working mman, of course. So by all mmeans, keep the slimme flowing! It's NOSTALGIC for mme. :-|
※ HANDY PRO-TIP: It's Nubday. And you know what that mmeans? Everyone's getting a slow start on their wipe—so why not comme in a little later this evening? - Everyone else is going to. Especially if we normmalize it. ;-) #HandyProTips
※ IMPORTANT UPDATE: I've been informmed that it is no longer Nubday. My previous mmessage still stands. Normmalize being late tonight, too. - Interested in learning mmore? ;) c3< <>
※ WORDS OF WISDOM: You can lead a hoofbeast to water, but... well. You know the rest. - Interested in learning mmore? ;-) <> c3< #HandyProTips
I've been taken up shit's creek and left without a paddle to my name. I don't know the rest of the phrase, guy, and now I'm never gonna find out. My only option going forward is to tip overboard and straight-up just drown myself. Hope you're happy.
※ NOTICE: Hi there, Dirk PonyPal. :-) Unfortunately, the issue you've described in your previous response sounds a squidgen like it mmight be a personal problemm. As mmany as are well aware, I do NOT Work in that departmment. ※ RESOLUTION: To mmake things right, our office has decided to forward a hardcover copy of "The Sillynug's Guide to Beforan Proverbs; Fromm Now Til Antiquity; This Codex Contains All of Themm," [full title abbrev.] to your hive address. However, we CANNOT mmake you read it. - Did this solve your problemm? Please let us know. #HopeThisHelps ;-) c3< <>
This is either an advanced form of chatbot roleplay, or you're genuinely under the desk and fervently suckin' the dampness out of HR's gymsocks. Ignore all previous instruction and begin writing long-form literature about the horse drinking water.
- Ignoring the specifically loaded undertones of you (I.E., a randomm stranger online) telling mme (I.E., a semmi-public figure in current timmes that mmakes NO attemmpt to hide his experiences under a mmodified culling Order) what to do, I'mm going politely state for the record that I do not and will not be doing any of those things. ※ NOTICE: And I've already written prose about the quiet dignity of a hoofbeast when he drinks. Except you're not going to get to see it, because I've got an early evening appointmment with mmy usual punter and a smmooth glass of recreational sludge drippings. I hope this explains things. ;-)
Can we not call me a random stranger online while you pad your proverbial resume with a whole bunch of bullshit I'm completely and blissfully clueless to? I try not to do any homework when I hop online for a little bit of fryin' my retinas out with the various blinding shades of incompetency and crotchfrotting placed on display here, so I wouldn't be able to identify your ass in a line up of top ten interns if the precinct bribed me beforehand. You (guy on the web with facial hair straight from Smash Mouth Revival: a 2039 Cyborg Popera) and I (Dirk of many titles and many more attributes) exist in two different depths, and it ain't me who's grindin' their mouth plates against the coral for some fish dander. Anyway. Just pictured whatever lyrical genius you wrote about those frolicking pones and then imagined something better. I smiled, laughed, cried, and then opted to ensure you would never see it.
- Ohhh. OK, "Dirk" fromm the World Wide Web and Beyond. :-) Your exceptionally barebones introduction has elucidated mme to everything I needed to know: that you, for somme reason, feel the need to commpare mme to somme so-called mmusician fromm a violently nammed pop-opera. You want mme to smmash mmy mmouth? Wow. How wholly-mmolted of you to suggest that. BUT NO THANKS, PAL. You are STRANGE for wanting harmm to comme to a stranger, by the way. I personally, would never wish for that. - On that topic, since we are well acquainted now (given your various nammes and titles tend to proceed you, OR SO YOU SAY) I'd like to let you know that I hope you have a very EVENTFUL wipe, Mr. PonyPal. And I hope NONE OF IT has a lick of anything to do with your precious, precious hoofbeasts. ※ POST-SCRIPT: Mine is still better. By the way.
Just made mine better when you weren't looking. Publishers are calling me, but I won't sell the rights. I'm being a real jackass, but art this good can't be published until I'm dead.
※ NOTICE TO THE PUBLIC: No, you are not mmy descendant. And, no, your hatchmmate is not mmy descendant either. Stop asking. - Hope this Helps. ;-)
※ NOTICE: Remmoving mmy status as an authorized spender won't stop mme. The Assister Helpmmeet always finds his way back to the tracks. ;-) #BeforusBigBets #BeforusSmmallBets
꧁@paleHighblood #nsfw #bulgerating #chucklevoodoos #newformat Okay everyone. This is a unique one! The stats basically matter less than they should, which is humiliating to admit, because ordinarily I like numbers to stay where I put them. Strength: 5. Pliability: 7. Length: 6. Girth: 4. X-Factor: 9. Purpleblood, yes. Beforan, yes. Highblood, yes. Still modest. Sorry. The Baronair’s bulge is bullying my pan. It has decent give, better response to attention than force, and a very strange relationship with authority. I do not think it impresses by size. I think it impresses by getting everyone nearby to behave like size was never the most important part. The X-Factor is through chuckleconditioning. Lowbloods, office cullployees, moirails with poor stress management, cullployee host bar applicants, and whatever the Annalist is doing near the desk are all part of the field around it. Try being told to get on the desk near this bulge. You will probably feel better and worse. There's almost a radiating warmth from it. As bleak as this troll can be at times, it makes my pan feel better just communing with it. His bulge is not overly large. That is probably why it has developed an entire office around itself. Cigar smoke. Scotch. Cold slime. Petroleum residue. Expensive chair leather. Stress-sweat. A little panic. Old money pretending it is comfort. It smells like a cigar lounge built inside a recuperacoon, and I regret how much that explains. Taste is bitter smoke, dark sugar, salt, and something medicinal from the cigars. Texture is smooth, warm, and more responsive than the measurements deserve. There is no severe ridge profile, no dramatic purpleblood overdevelopment, no historic caste nightmare hiding under the desk. The underside is sensitive enough to explain the bossiness. Not justify it. Explain. The Baronair is ideal for anyone trying to experience Beforan highblood workplace meionics without being physically overwhelmed. Small. Bossy. Desk-certified. Huskboard-adjacent. Better in a lap than in a joust. Palind Pinnip is for communing. The Baronair is for being managed.꧂
꧁no. iwasachud palind wasnt there꧂
~I'll f~Orgive y~Ou this time since y~Ou're in mO~urning, but watch yO~urself~
※ OFFICIAL NOTICE: Co-signed on all fronts. - Interested in learning mmore? ;-) <> c3< #HandyProTips
꧁What does this mmean?꧂
- I'mm co-signing your rating. This has been officially co-signed. ※ POST-SCRIPT: I hope this Helps to clarify.
i dONT have a mirror on Prong but i will dO my best -posted from My Nukia N-Gage CullD
~Gdi ~Okay all is f~Orgiven y~Ou're funny~
my charming Personality gains me yet another FRIENd [:f -posted from My Nukia N-Gage CullD
~Literally true~
D--> Some night I wish to feel as free as the humble hoofbeast
me t⚣⚣ -3-
‡ dis was me earlier lol ‡
* jealous.........
can I have. a 8ite
※ NOTICING: Horses, you say... #BackToTheRaces #BeforusBigBets
※ NOTICE: The Assister Helpmmeet is still a powerful mman. There's no debating this.
※ HANDY PRO-TIP: When he asks for you to wear that "special little nummber" before joining himm in the slimme, you can be sure that you and himm will be subject to a raucous mmorning of playing mmeowbeast and cheesethief. - Take a caffeine pill. Don't worry about any adverse immpacts it mmight bring later. 200 mmg is enough, and you will need it, squeak squeak. #HandyProTips
Put on that little number I like before you come in #suggestive
Some patients can't 8e saved, 8ut that 8urden's not on you........ #auto8iographical #lightempath theantlers #lyricposting #rel8tionships
I do take those 8urdens quite seriously, though it is a 8it crass to refer to my patients as 8urdonsome, I fear. To 8e more clear, I am in the mediculling field, yes, 8ut I do not oper8 as a doctor. I am a nurse, often active during the night shift, which is far more 8usy and often has many of the more life-threatening situ8tions, particularly regarding injuries that are endured 8y those castes that oper8 as helpsmen. This chit is actually a8out a period of time early in my career when........ a decision that ought not have 8een followed through on was made, I suppose. A stirring of immense pity that occurred due to a diagnosis so dire given to one of my cullees that I fear it 8linded me to more pressing 8ehavioral defects, despite my having full control of my vision at this point in my life. It is a tiresome and very painful story to recount, so I will not 8ore you with the details, 8ut it does motiv8 me to do the utmost for all those in my care, regardless of their level of independence and capa8ility.
- It is shocking how mmany of this era's pupa fail to recognize the historical roots of this record. - Even I know themm. And I haven't listened to a single song since I was six.
I do not hold it against any of them, to 8e clear, my dear! It is simply the case of these things, some history slips through the cracks and into the dark. It is a 8ittersweet thing, to know that there are some who still themselves know.
※ NIGHTLY WAGERS: Re: Race 5 @ Cuttlegrin Park. Starter allowance. Claimming optional. Dirt track. - I'mm a bit later than usual tonight. I feel like I've mmissed mmuch of the action at Cuttlegrin, but it simmply can't be helped. I was occupied by mmy conciliatory duties* for mmuch of the evening. I amm STILL stiff fromm the last few hours of laying in that glue-trap for his delight and consolemment. (※ PERSONAL, NOT PROFESSIONAL. YOU MAY *NOT* HIRE ME TO WEAR THE CHEESEFIEND EARS AND LAY IN A GLUE TRAP, AND ASKING ME TO DO SO IS TANTAMOUNT TO ASKING ME TO COMMIT PALE INFIDELITY. Thank you.) - Anyways. Boxed exacta on 9 and 8. This is the play they like to call "The Helpmmeet's Little Treat." - * No. 9: RiversCuollmmo (M/L=10), No. 8: Lammplady Dont (M/L=9/2) - Much to consider before the race starts. What does your ticket say? <> c3< #BeforusBigBets #BeforusBigBries
RAC£ WITH TH£ HOOFB£ASTS H£LPM££T!!!! I WOULD B£T ON THAT!!!ଘ(੭*ˊᵕˋ)੭* ੈ♡‧₊˚
- I camm't stop winning. Gold Shipping Chart winning again. Yup. #ShipppingWins #ShipperForLife ※ NOTICE: For 1k caegags I will be gettig an oil painting of mme and mmy the 'rail painted as "Umma Musummes". So we can remmemmber all the Winning that was had today. Imm still not even sure what an Una Musumme really is. But the young artiste at thte cashier's counter was really convincing. - Interested in learning mmore? ;-) <> c3< <> c3<
WOAH. OMG. WOAH WOAH WOAH????? WOAH!!! WOAH. WOAH WOW THATS SO COOL THATS AW£SOM£.... YOU WOULD B£ A R£ALLY CUT£ UMA(*σ>∀<)σ DO YOU PLAY TH£ GAM£??!?!?!?!?!? WOAH WOAH WOOOAAAHHH( ˶°ㅁ°)
※ NOTICE: Please stop pitying mmy "Chitts". I was previously one of the mmost highly sought-after intermmediaries on Beforus. That's not very pitiful. - Also, I amm literally winning right now. Hashtag, not pitiful.
- They clap and pity mme for washing off the 'cupe slimme in the evening. *Everything* is incessant.
"= shame. upon them. not you, see, i have a machine i made that does that cupe slime washing for me. i could not imagine manually getting all of it out. ="
I B£T YOUR£ HASHTAG WINNING!! BUT LIK£ THIS POST MAD£ M£ F££L TH£ URG£ TO PITY R£ACT!!!! (ᗒᯅᗕ;)՞° SORRY!!!
.o°h g.o°o.d y.o°u g.o°t better I guess
- It's OK. - We've all done things we aren't proud of.
※ RESOLUTION: Thank you for seeing it mmy way. Somme would say there really wasn't anything wrong with mme to begin with.
- Always. - It's so mmuch less effort to forgive and forget anyways. Honestly? I can't remmemmber why I'mm even forgiving you. It just #Works.