♣ mediated by @grandioseSaturation
I EXPECT A CERTAIN LEVEL OF ECCENTRICITY FROM THE EXTRATERRESTRIAL BUT SOME OF YOU FOLKS ARE CUCKOO-DOODLE-DOO.
↘️we are seeing an all time low in IQ and generalized pan-based resources.↘️
The physical comedy of those newhatch wriggling larvae throwing one another around with a meager gelatinous form is UNRIVALED. Jadebloods must have trunk solid torsos from all of the laughing. I have never seen a brood so fresh from the... mother orifice! A reminder of the SHEER SIZE of the ready-to-molt heifers I had crawling all over my sweater during my previous visit!!
࣪⊹₊˚{ you are LITERALLYYYY the only other violet that exists to me }u3u{ #reelone #orphdualscar #doesntcount #rip }˚₊⊹ ࣪
Yeah, right.
Thank you.
Unreal Heiress, play Moonshine by Caravan Palace.
and the blood pooled into the chalice she drank deep, purple stained her teeth sharp like wits sharp like blades sharp like words it flowed down the throat in gulps and hit her insides turning her to dust to dust she returned satisfied for her work was done
Expect big changes coming. This is most definitely NOT the account on which my marketing team makes their professional announcements, but I will issue this surplus note because it relates to some pet projects of mine. As of this morning, Crockercorp has officially acquired the Pizza Hut brand rights from Yum Consort Holdings (who really held us over a soup cauldron in the negotiations but whatever). Which means that we, Crockerlings, are one step closer to the Earth-C Combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell.
"Who want me" is yet again the subject of discussion. I advise you against proffering yourselves to the greater marketplace of singles on this platform. Have some standards as to your consumer base! Look at the population to whom you are offering! I shuddered just typing that!! <:| And on that note, what are you going to do when someone unsavory takes you up on that offer? Do you have the gonads to turn them down, or will you simply cower behind inactivity?
The face he makes when he wants [to escape and assassinate you]. I haven't an inkling as to why he's still so ornery after all these years. I bring refreshments and everything! Coochie coochie coo.
OOC || UPDATED PINNED POST || Jane Crocker. Earth-C. Link to Carrd and gallery below. May discuss NSFW, NSFWE, extreme violence. All art is the writer's.
Aren't you a sweet morsel? :B
I think they've got the spirit. Sort of.
I've been informed that you're not supposed to ask that, so your guess is as good as mine.
Glad that's over.
... Hold on.
A sudden influx of comments bearing white text for seemingly no purpose whatsoever! I leave for two weeks and the platform is being overrun by... white people!
You would have been a marvel to behold. A real force of conquest. :B
I'll say it. Perhaps this is a flagrant display of my own alien ignorance. By my understanding, some of you are TOO OLD to still be on-planet. And with the sense of individual responsibility of a layabout vagrant, you spend your idle waking hours scrolling social media with a hand stuffed down your trousers. "Who wants me?" The Imperial Conscript. Go get in line for your assignment lest the drones haul you off, you draft-dodger. DO NOT come into my comment section to inform me that YOUR ITERATION of Alternia doesn't require you to feed the intergalactic war machine until you're troll-equivalent-of-twenty-five. I'm looking at you. You're ready to board that ship.
This platform's user base has me so dadgum paranoid that I just stopped dead in my tracks with my finger hovering over the "send" button on a PERFECTLY innocuous post concerning my new pedicure. On second thought. You don't need to see that. <:| #Perverts #Freaks And other various #SexualMiscreants
↘️hhyes.↘️
↗️I HAVE NEVER SEEN TRUER WORDS WRITTEN ON THE WEBSITE, MISTER CALDER.↗️ ↘️i have not fully taken in the depth of your informational truth nukes, i saw the word job briefly and began to have my vision cloud in a panrush comparable to standing up too quickly after refusing to consume the nightly electrolyte supplement offered unto you by your custodial beast↘️ ↗️BUT IT MUST BE GENUINELY SHELLSHOCKING.↗️ ↘️i am so excited.↘️ ↗️I WOULD TURN TO YOU FOR RELATIONSHIP ADVICE AT ANY GIVEN TIME.↗️
Happy Father's Day! :B I am fortunate to have been raised by a man of such esteem that it occasionally appears he was downright MADE to be a dad! (Though I suspect this must be mere coincidence, and a symptom of how effortlessly he has taken on the mantle of responsibility. Hmmmm.) It warms my heart to recount the numerous ways in which I witnessed my father try to curry my favor by way of relatability, all the while relegating his own true cornball passions to the back burner. His attempts to reach my stubborn teenage ego burst forth from his poor gentle heart, not at all unlike the spring-snakes at the bottom of a tube of fake peanut brittle. #girldad As an aspirational future parent myself, I can only hope to achieve a fraction of this success. If I'm half as good a mom as he was a dad, my own children will be at least half as great as their mother. :B And really, at a certain point we must set a reasonable threshold of expectation. What was I saying? Oh, yes. Happy Father's Day, Dad. You are a pillar of masculinity and you starch a button-down like you were born in the back of a dry cleaner. In my circle, it is a doggone novelty to even have a parent simultaneously living and respectable enough to maintain regular contact. That being said, I've added a new rotation to your security detail. Don't forget to check in with my office scheduler for your next routine healing. @timaeusTestified#0414 Can you coordinate his next appointment. He's looking a little pruned, lately. Love you, Dad!
To reiterate, the #OldYoutubePlaylist will air from 11 AM EST tomorrow morning until it ends, which presumably will be around 8 PM. All are welcome to attend. I'll be posting the link shortly before airtime and throughout the day. Feel free to blacklist #OldYoutubePlaylist to avoid the reminders. DISCLAIMER. I am merely purporting to have cultivated an ERA-ACCURATE playlist. I cannot speak to your personal enjoyment. If you get onto the OLD YOUTUBE PLAYLIST and find the comedic stylings of "Like Mah Status," "Fred Goes Swimming," "Charlie the Unicorn," and "Taking The Hobbits to Isengard" to be dated and blase, I CANNOT HELP YOU. :B See you there!
Unreal Heiress, play Heist by Ben Folds.
@carbolicGalvanologist I would be remiss not to deliver upon my promise to celebrate your presence in my life- in the only dark, earthy tones that seem to proportionately convey my appreciation. Behold. I have named her The Bogtrotter. Twenty-four layers and ten inches in diameter. Roughly the weight of a rotund first-grader. Old Bruce himself could not have served you better if he'd been liquefied and baked into a juvenile diabetic puck. Happy Wriggling Day, KV. From your pal. :B
Take out the ugly ones this time.
Unreal Heiress, show me the thirty-seven minute slideshow of photo composites of my potential future children.
Your attempts to sexually antagonize me on this website will crumble before your very eyes. I will not simply freak when froken to.
... What. What was it. What about me is accidentally conveying homosexual tendencies I think it's important that you tell me.
DON'T LET THE PANTSUITS AND PIXIE CUTS FOOL YOU.
That is possibly my favorite Alternian linguistic joke. :B ... And in the scenario that it's not a joke. Simply move along. This is an unremarkable gesture of human-on-human violence.
Sometimes all you want to be is an #Ally, but the community plumb shapes an #Enemy out of you.
... THANK you.
Remind yourself to repeat that sentiment to me if you ever need to earn an instant tally toward my favor.
Thank you!
Are YOU going to toss me around that ring?
Thank you.
Oh, you. XB Hoo hoo! I love YOU. I can't wait to see you tonight. ... Interesting addition to the roster! How did that come about? You and J, that is.
Considering #RumbleNight never came to full fruition, there's no harm in posting one or two of the early promotional photos.
The stupid faffing costume.
I was QUITE ceremoniously invited to appear on the next episode of Rumble! After clearing my schedule, having the garments for the event custom-tailored, and hauling myself all the way down to the Patch, it was only after physically climbing into the ring that I discovered that we CANNOT proceed. Because someone (@golgothasTerror) couldn't hit me. Or even stage-hit me. Or even convincingly raise his fist to me. We tried for over an hour. I thought he was going to toss his cookies from sheer stress at one point. We cut the line on that catch when he began to sizzle and glow. I suppose I ought to find it sweet, but I'm moreso inconvenienced by the way I am squeezed into this MINUSCULE leather getup with nowhere to take it. :|
@cuttlefishCabbalist #Sisters #BestFriends #GlubYou #Sisterhood #Memes #GetYourDerpOn
https://forms.gle/2w9FseGAoHseZEcN7 QUESTION: So you have the apple bottom jeans? Perhaps some boots with the fur to go along with them? And have you ever gotten "low" while wearing them? ANSWER: I did promise to deliver. Pardon me if I retain my vertical integrity on camera, though. I won't be getting "low" on demand.
#BFFs #sisters #qualitytime #blessed #glubyou
D-----ERP TSUNAMI!
Boy, do I ever.
#BFFs #sisters #glubyou #derp #GetYourDerpOn
I suppose I owe a sincere apology to those of you whose contact with me has lapsed over the last... week? two weeks? I don't quite recall! :B Frankly, in all the lotus-eating festivity, I completely lost track of the calendar, and with it my professional agenda... but I take it Unreal Heiress kept my appointments and delivered my pre-formulated responses at the office in a timely manner! I've been away. It was entirely incidental that the extension of an invitation to "hang" reached my inbox so shortly after my... change in status. Hrm! And then we... gee. It feels invasive to summarize the hours upon hours of Gill Time which commenced across the following days! ... Where was I? Oh, yes, right. I guess I'm home now. Or. Whatever. Who cares. I miss you already, @cuttlefishCabbalist! :( More pictures of our escapades incoming. #BFFS #gillfronds #noromo #bestfriendsforever #sisters https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/ff3e335cf5b7.PNG
UNREAL HEIRESS TURN IT OFF.
Unreal Heiress. Play The Winner Takes It All by ABBA.
I believe sentiments more complex than the available buttons are precisely what the comment section is for!
That person does not exist to me. I refuse to dignify it.
You have the All-American propeller hat moniker of a nine year old boy trying out for the neighborhood stickball team, but ok, "CASPER COOPER." Scuff your little shoes up to the plate and see what comes of your swinging arm.
Are you.
These videos have MILLIONS of views, presumably all from Alternian trolls. I daresay I am not the only one buying the funny farm, here!
You have the coordinates! It's a two hour playlist.
An intelligent rebuttal. This is why you're raking in the reacts, Moneybags!
A list of things that you are not, for your perusal! - A homosexual man. - A woman. - Intelligent enough to scope crowd-pandering celebrity shilling. - Educated on what I have been informed is an ANCIENT East Alternian trope of forbidden romance, whose fanbase seems to be comprised of PRIMARILY women. But please, SIR. Inform the droves of stupid, feeble-minded girls that THEIR squealing is all for naught and to the detriment of themselves, all in exchange for the heaving, GLIMMERING boon of a fat six likes on your post.
... Ok. :|
OH JESUS CHRIST. CAN I GET A BREAK. MUST WE AIR THIS OUT.
This is a joke. Actually. I equally hate it when HE does it.
@chillerAficionado He's scraping our bit.
Unreal Heiress, play No More I Love Yous by Annie Lennox. Or whichever song of hers is the one that goes doopie doopie doop doop doop oh.
#AskJane -- Question: doo you ship #DIRKJAKE or #JAKEDIRK ftw -- Answer: I have never in my life voluntarily contemplated the arrangement of this particular entanglement. It is ALWAYS being presented to me, in equal proportion of appeal to, say, the anus of a housecat attempting to identify itself. YES, I RECOGNIZE YOU. Yes, I am sure this is something you are excited to offer for my perusal, but good gravy, get that tushy out of my face!!! ... That being said. Here's the poll, I guess. https://poll-maker.com/poll5785981x4f474EB6-168 https://forms.gle/ypsj9r2BhnLdaGVK9
@carbolicGalvanologist Just making sure these are up to snuff. Counting the lava fudge center, the black cocoa sponge, the chocolate mousse topping and the chocolate sprinkles, I believe that marks it a QUADRUPLE chocolate cupcake. Four bangs for your buck. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/8ecaab3bbf91.png
Put it on the big TV. Tell the kitchen staff to bring me two bacon egg and cheese bagels and a neck pillow.
... Unreal Heiress, play saved playlist TOP 50 ALTERNIAN HEIRESS USURPATION FAILS CAUGHT ON CAMERA.
QUASTIN: Your thoughts on Eridan and HIC's rumored messages? ANSER: Thast ancent history. IT was praxtically years ago. #eridanweek https://forms.gle/qETRPVHT7kaXK21i6
NEvar happend.
QUESTION: Who's your best friend. ANSWERR: The gorl reading this. (((Side noet: Dids that ever work on any of you bzck in rthe day. Corn sake How did it even become a thning???))) QUESITON Rank the Alphas in order of preference. (You may include the Bonus Alphas, if desired.) ANSWER: You will justs have to taLK to DR. C. JEGT about that ones. #crytptip #code #Riddel QUESTION: so... whats the word on you and that guy from the masquerade? ANSWER: I DONT WANT TOOT TALK ABOUT WHAT ALMOSST WS. https://forms.gle/iQbpcLxTzoQxmQPq6
QUESTION: 1F TH3R3 W3R3 TW0 GUYS 0N TH3 M00N 4ND 0N3 0F TH3M K1LL3D TH3 0TH3R 0N3 W1TH 4 R0CK W0ULD TH4T B3 FUCK3D UP 0R WH4T? ANSWER: IF tyhis happened to me I would be s opissed off. QUESTION: ｢konnichiwa!! kekeke~~ (ФωФ) kyuu~ jane-chan!! megane-san wants to knyaw ヽ(○・▽・○)ノ゛what kind of pantsu does anata prefer?~ (^_^) kyuu~~ as a kyutieful girl with kurasa, you seem like... a resu pantsu type of reidi... but megane-san doesn't know! (´ﾟЗﾟ｀) kyaahhh~ ＼(^_^)／ let megane-san knyow, jane-sensei!｣ [TRANSLATOR'S NOTE: pantsu means... *gets hit on the nub with the back of an eraser* gyah!! ( :ﾟ皿ﾟ) megane-san won't be a baka hentai!! kurasa means class ＼(^_^)／ jane-chan is a classy lady! resu means... lacy~~☆ kekeke... reidi means lady!] ANSWERR: THISS was siuch a journey to read. I needed a Lard of the Rangs amountof time to get through its. I dident goet to go to normal schools in middle schol but I think thewy would have ebeaten you criminaly. https://forms.gle/RfijxURAUHfDpkcR7
https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/eb32f2938b19.gif
QUESTION: are you ever going to ask out any of those bearded men you lust after on the timeline ANSWER: #nsfw Maeby. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/ebd840ee6892.webp https://forms.gle/RfijxURAUHfDpkcR7
QUASTION: girl... hospital ANSWER: Is a self cleaning oven. (Self fhealing.) (HEad) QUESTION: if hello kity was real would u and i be best friends ANSWERE; ABSOFRUITLY! QUESTON: Does the fair Miss Crocker prefer milk or dark chocolate? ASWER: Milk!!!!!!!!!!!!! QUESTION: aNyOnE eVeR tOlD yOu ThAt YoU'rE sO mOtHeR fUcKiNg SwEeT tO bEhOlD wHeN yOu'Re ShWaStEd? :o) ANSER: Augh ugh hgh snfl Sniffle. https://forms.gle/RfijxURAUHfDpkcR7
Sin ce I am nice and scramnbled, BOMBS AWAY! TRUE ANSWERRS ONLY! https://forms.gle/RfijxURAUHfDpkcR7 #notsubstanse #lobotomy #substance
Sory.
I don't dignify that oddball's existence. Which is to say I do not reside within his reality and find the whole concept of his existence preposterous. When we nail down his DUBIOUS lore, do let me know. I live on Earth-C, where it has never been "mandatory" and carries only vestigial cultural relevance. Also, I'm a human being. I just. :| ... It doesn't matter.
Er. ... Don't worry about it.
I'm a human being.
... Criminy. I forgot it was drone season. I've been so preoccupied with work, I didn't... ... <:|
I thought you were omniscient. What is with the speculation.
You wouldn't have time for a #DailyQuest if you had a #FullTimeJob.
I agree wholeheartedly.
It was a passing remark on your interests. I don't know anything about your lusus.
I'm going to receive some flack for ranking redpop so lowly, but when you've had it as many times as... ... ... Anyway.
Your what.
The fruit flavors are just ok. I also have a principled disagreement with the generic flavors piggybacking off another brand's steez, which is why you see cola ranked so low. Ginger ale would have scored higher if it were not so vastly outpaced by its Gold counterpart. The dessert flavors are the most complex and lend themselves to the high sugar content most successfully. Rock & Rye is miles above any other profile.
Very well. So we are talking about it on feed. Excluding the non-carbonated Ohana line for what I hope are obvious reasons. --------- S --------- Rock & Rye. Creme Soda. Vanilla Creme Soda. Root Beer. Cotton Candy. Candy Apple. Bubble Pop. Super Pop. Firework. 60/40. It's 60-lime-40-grapefruit, to crack THAT caper. Dreamin. --------- A --------- Moon Mist Blue. Arctic Sun. Fruit Punch. Gold. --------- B --------- Grape. Jolly Green Apple. Black Cherry. Jazzin' Blues Berry. (You cannot taste the jazz. The berry is inoffensive.) Orange. Peach. Raspberry Blueberry. Pineapple. Pineapple Orange. Pineapple Watermelon. --------- C --------- Classic Redpop. Cola. Cherry Cola. Moon Mist classic. Twist. Ginger Ale. Dr. Faygo. --------- D --------- Tonic. Club Soda.
Catching early-morning reruns of old Alternian local broadcasting on this television. Who is this? Who is this. Who is this. @centaursTesticle Who is this??? Identify her at once. Posthaste. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/e2230e1d2c0d.PNG
... Unreal Heiress. Play Lips of An Angel by Hinder.
An unnamed individual, unrelated to any #masquerade event taking place. Part trois. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/69c71ccb275b.png
This WAR? I beg your pardon????
@golgothasTerror Is bringing a surprise guest over for an evening rendezvous. I must admit, after the week I've had it will be nice to put my legs up and unwind. Hopefully his taste in secondary company rivals his primary.
Unreal Heiress, make these guys super straight and virtuous.
I needed you, and you ABANDONED SHIP.
Traitor.
YOU are still dead to me.
Unreal Heiress, turn off notifications from caligulasAquarium.
"It's called Dersite humor. You'd better take your sensitive ass back to Prospit." A real exchange I overheard at #outglutmasquerade.
An unnamed individual, unrelated to any #masquerade event taking place. Part deux. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/60fe1ab7fc3f.png
↘️okay he does not call me that.↘️
↘️you are illiterate, no wonder you have no issue authoring these detestable statements.↘️ ↗️IT LITERALLY SAYS WHO I AM ON EVERY POST.↗️ ↘️wrothe aiaray.↘️ ↗️HIS RIGHT EXTENSION.↗️ ↘️his right prong man.↘️ ↗️HIS SILLY HOPBEAST.↗️
↘️no response, just a nonsense picture.↘️ ↗️GO FIGURE.↗️
↗️I HAVE DONE A CURSORY BACKREAD OF THIS EXCHANGE AND I AM HERE TO SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT ON BEHALF OF THE↗️ ↘️ever generous and perpetually wealthy↘️ ↗️MISTER CALDER.↗️ ↘️you have shown your hand in a disgusting display of vitriol that is literally only befitting a severe social inferior such as yourself.↘️ ↗️MADE AN ABSOLUTE FOOL ON THE TIMELINE LIKE BEING A FIRST CLASS IDIOT IS YOUR FULL TIME JOB.↗️ ↘️which is likely is.↘️ ↗️THE THIRD HORN THAT EXTENDS FROM YOUR EMPTY THOUGHTCAVERN MUST HAVE GROWN IN PLACE OF YOUR THINKSPONGE.↗️ ↘️this is just shameful for you.↘️ ↗️AS A MEDDLING TEAL THAT FAR DOWN ON THE BLUE HUE GRADIENT, YOU SHOULD KNOW WHEN TO GROVEL.↗️ ↘️when to submit.↘️ ↗️WHEN TO BOW YOUR HOLLOW PANBONE OUT OF A FIGHT AND RETREAT INTO YOUR MISINFORMATION CAVE AND REPENT.↗️ ↘️mister calder is not a loser with no underclassmen to call him boss.↘️ ↗️NOR IS HE THE SOCIALLY INEPT SOCIALITE YOU ARE PROUDLY↗️ ↘️and falsely↘️ ↗️PROCLAIMING HIM TO BE.↗️ ↘️he is an amazing, generous, ruthless, profane boss superior with enough businessense in his shortest prong to send you filing class seven bankruptcy↘️ ↗️ENOUGH CLASS AND STAMINA AND PHYSICAL PROWESS TO SEND YOU REELING BACK INTO THE CRETIN HOLE YOU CRAWLED OUT OF.↗️ ↘️you are literally a disgrace upon your castename.↘️ ↗️I WOULD BE EMBARASSED TO KNOW YOU IF I WAS ONE OF YOUR PERIPHERAL ACQUAINTANCES AND I SAW THIS EXCHANGE.↗️ ↘️there is still time to repent.↘️ ↗️WITHDRAW YOUR SLANDEROUS STATEMENTS AND RETRACT YOUR STUPIDITY POSTHASTE↗️ ↘️and maybe he will mercifully cull you instead of chaining you to the hindwall of his new world officerena, when he has completed all of his rites and trials and ascended the throne as a new planetary ruler.↘️ ↗️LAUGHING OUT LOUD.↗️
Go on? :B
An unnamed individual, unrelated to any #masquerade event taking place. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/facba58a1d7b.png
Brava. Crackhead Vriska's first home run. #substance I guess.
Unreal Heiress, play Fire in My Heart by Escape From New York.
... Thank you.
Legislation on Earth-C has officially outlawed the sale of all unauthorized, counterfeit materials bearing my likeness, including toys and other various silly comfortstuffs. Farewell and good riddance, "Janunu." https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/77469c7a3c16.png
Eugh.
I'M AT WORK. SOME PEOPLE ON THIS PLANET HAPPEN TO CONTRIBUTE TO SOCIETY.
Regrettably.
HARUMPH.
I speak, I think, I am, as in "I am more than you." In meaning, in potential, in- what. ... Why. What did you think about it. Hypothetically. NO. NEVERMIND, DON'T TELL ME. NO, I'M NOT "HITTING ON YOU," YOU DUPLICITOUS FREAK OF NATURE.
@gutlessGorturer Alrighty. Let us dispense with the pretense of pleasantry, here. I am going to shift to a lower gear NOT in retreat, but in response to what you must assume is a well-calculated assessment of my person. Some minor concessions. That I stress test my alternates and peers for low-risk data by which I may color my own upward momentum. Such is the necessary vehicle of self-improvement when one has blown off the training wheels and is shakily keeping upright of their own volition- something you know nothing about!! Also, they need a little pushing. It's good for them, and for you. Or it would be, if you weren't too augmented to make use of peer feedback. :P Anyhow, that is where your potency as a social saboteur falls to a fizzling, flat failure. Now on to your points in order. 1.) "Biological clock." Nonexistent. Someone tell this dizzy broad that MY ova are EVER-replenished. Frankly, you ought to know this if YOUR spawncannon is as fruitful as it must be for you to attack MY lack of reproductive bounty. I had better watch the accordion-fold print of YOUR legion of heiresses SPILL from your wallet. LET'S SEE UNREAL HEIRESS' LITTER. The mother hen scratches herself a proper nest before letting loose! I have AS LONG AS I'D LIKE to situate that space before engaging in Phase Two. 2.) You have narrated the cycle of behaviors in my posts. Congratulations. With effort, you might bust out of your CURRENT toady britches of absolute servitude and land a gig in the social media department at MY headquarters! Oh, wait, no. These are the baseline double-digit IQ observations of essentially anyone on the platform who performs a regular check-in on my page. Congratulations rescinded. 3.) I "speak like a CEO" because I am a CEO, who is electing voluntarily to share my personal opinions on certain matters on my PERSONAL SOCIAL MEDIA PAGE. If I were any battier on the main feed, it would be a disservice to my accomplishments in the court of public opinion. Again, a cavelike simplicity to the logic you wield. Could we wake up the SUPERcomputer? I fear my genetic neighbor is burning the interior of the TI-84 she's got banging around up in that empty coconut! 4.) I am a conduit of raw Creation and those properties of Life are mine to "abuse," although I take issue with your liberal application of the word. No jokes here. I am simply going to continue doing what I want! :B 5.) (To the reader: she counted my posts. What a fucking loonybird.) YOU have posted [TOO MANY] times, comprising a quantity I refuse to dignify with an actual figure. Whatever quantity of blithering has escaped your flapping mouth has run past the dadgum fill line. 6.) Eridan Week was in fact spectacular. We are eclipsing into a rare alignment of ideals for this brief moment. Bask in the shadow of my footsteps and see how much wiggle-room you've got yet to fill on those toes. 7.) Again with the a-words. Assault? I have a towering stack of liability waivers that beg to differ. Also missing the strategic point of that night and the greater event as a whole, which doesn't surprise me. You are such a dogmatic black hole that no humor may escape your gaze with ANY remaining merit, even the shroud of joviality over actual gamepiece movement! 8.) I LOATHE being subjected to the fumbling of an individual wearing my face and name. In your case, I'll give you a pass, because you've been rendered little more than an enforcer, and at that task within your own chronology I'm sure you're quite successful. I do not SELF-loathe. This is an inaccurate interpretation of my deeper motivations spawned by YOUR artificial imperative to get me on board with your Ponzi hubbub. Durr. On the off chance that these insults are being relayed strictly for guffaws (which I doubt), you're equally missing the mark. Missy, I have got your number as well as you think you've got mine. At the end of the day, I have BEEN you. You have never been me! One day, when the circlet falls from your scalp and the scales from your eyes, I will accept your blubbering apology in the form of your face mashed against the polished marble of my executive office floors. And then perhaps, PERHAPS, in the name of sisterhood, I will drop you a couple of pointers. Or maybe you'll just die like that OTHER Jane, tormented in biological inauthenticity and so augmented that her tether to Life itself pinched shut in utter rejection of her fate. But trust. It's one or the other for you. :B
Apparently because you had zero return input! :B A failsafe by your second brain to prevent the shame burning through your HUMAN nervous system? Try turning yourself off and on again.
Crockercorp. One word, you disappointing fucking dullard. Also- the "BOARD OF DIRECTORS?" What reality are YOU dwelling under the funk of wherein OUR namesake corporation is run by ANYTHING other than our own private equity? You haven't bought back your own fucking stock? The bootstraps are for PULLING ONESELF UPWAYS, not tangling around your own gullet like an unobserved toddler stumbling into the window shades! :B But let us be quite frank with ourselves, shall we? You are cognitively ROTTING under the yoke of that contraption. You will never aspire to anything greater than burrowing mouth-first into your empress' shoe leather like a rat trying to find fresh air. And good gravy, that is ok! I have now thoroughly observed you. Beneath the heel of a more intelligent superior is precisely your niche, Jane. Hold on tight to that shelter, because we can all see VERY APPARENTLY that you do not have the chops for upper management.
I'm going to provide you a singular opportunity to train the AI sucking your brainstem NEVER to speak to me in that manner again. If you're as intelligent as your wire (and circuit) mother, you'll learn.
An official statement on my rendezvous with @aeneasCaldarium. He joined me at the Crocker estate for supper, and we had a long, civil adult discussion on the subjects he erroneously ascribed to MY person in his sloppy pursuit of my alternates. I took great care to wipe that slate clean and to reeducate him (VERBALLY) on the state of my interests and endeavors. He was... more than receptive to my revisions. :| Then he left! I wholeheartedly accept the apology and corrected statement that followed. And that is all she wrote, buster!
Unreal Heiress. Play My Paper Heart by the All-American Rejects.
Blugh. Thank you. :|
It's morning. I don't know that "good" is the hat I'd bestow upon the day straight off the starting line.
Just go. >:(
So sorry! His lord highness has commanded I not attempt to seek comfort from my own friends. Sleepover cancelled!
Dirk wins, everyone! Dirk wins ALL THE FRIENDS. Congratulations. Pile into the Pope Room, one and all! Behold Dirk's crops and see that they are positively SAGGING with fruit. I hope you're quite satisfied with yourself. Keep them. Forever!!!! GOOD BYE.
Oh, ok! @uranianUmbra#4373 @tipsyGnostalgic#2248 @golgothasTerror Fun cancelled, everyone. Thank Dirk for that rapid-fire mutiny. Stay your asses home!!
Oh, hold the phone. @adiosToreador You come, too.
NO PLUS ONES.
@uranianUmbra#4373 @tipsyGnostalgic#2248 @golgothasTerror Ahem. Slumber party! Tonight. Starting ASAP. Haul your rumps over here. I have all the necessary preparations.
Unreal Heiress. Play Nobody by Mitski.
All I'm saying is a woman can't even eat her kismesis in the privacy of her own hive in the presence of her sizable Chittr audience without people turning on her. #LetHerCook #Solidarity #WomenHelpingWomen #NSFW #NSFWE #Violence #Cannibalism I don't know what to tag this... - MC Oleana
I'm going to bed.
@terminallyCapricious#2753 Wake up and get out of my house.
https://i.ibb.co/8R3tFL9/image.png Raffaello Sanzio da Urbino (Raphael), The Judgment of Solomon (1518-19), fresco, Loggia di Raffaello, Apostolic Palace, Vatican City. Pales in comparison to the custody battle @gutsyGumshoe and @timaeusTestified#0414 are currently embroiled in. @golgothasTerror @tipsyGnostalgic#2248 @caligulasAquarium @terminallyCapricious#2753 @adiosToreador @grandioseSaturation
That's right. What she needs right now is a brainless lapdog humping at her heels and acting as if he's ever had a proper seat at the table. Have enough self respect to make your whimpering supplications in her DMs directly instead of openly simping in public. She's not gonna fuck you, bro.
BUTT OUT. YOU DON'T KNOW THAT!!!! AT LEAST HE'S OPENLY SUPPORTING ME, WHICH IS MORE THAN I CAN SAY FOR YOU, MR. "BOYS' NIGHT."
this is wwhy you dont fuck the hand that feeds
Sniffle. I'd like that.
@technicallyTimaeus Funny-Bunny. :(
Don't block my communications and I'll pretend to spoonfeed your rabbit mouth another yogurt cup.
I HOPE YOU EAT YOUR SPAGHETTI OUTSIDE STANDING OVER THE TRASH CAN.
UNREAL HEIRESS, CANCEL OUR RESERVATION FOR THE POPE ROOM AT BUCA DI BEPPO!!!!!! @caligulasAquarium @timaeusTestified#0414 EAT THAT, YOU UTTER TRAITORS.
#nsfw I guess.
Oh my god.
What the hell is all over the floor.
THANK you, Cronus. This goes to show you that no one is beyond education. ... Is something burning? OH, GREAT BALLS OF FIRE.
Cronus is here.
It is high time someone teach this amphibious cretin that he cannot, and I quote, "handle allat."
I hear the pleas of the masses. But the solution here is NOT more wanton violence. No matter how you may strike this miserable starving poonhound, you will not deter him from the table! ... There is only one weapon left in my artillery. A single lethal projectile by which to silence this fool.
@aeneasCaldarium Come over.
Unreal Heiress, play Mr. Blue Sky by Electric Light Orchestra.
> import sqlite3,csv,urllib2 database=sqlite3.connect('amazonrankscom.db') cursor=database.cursor() for isbn in [[row[0],row[1]] for row in csv.reader(open('isbns.csv','rb'),delimiter=',')]: try: therank=urllib2.urlopen('http://www.amazon.com/dp/'+isbn[1]).read().split(' in Luxury ')[0][-10:].replace('\n','').replace(',','').replace('#','') database.execute('insert into ranks values("'+isbn[1]+'","'+time.strftime("%Y-%m-%d",time.gmtime())+'","'+therank+'")') except: print isbn[0]+' messed up' database.commit() @gynarchsGoverness USERID : DSTRI4224HP Dispatch in thirty.
Sniffle. Thank you.
CLEARLY I ASSUMED BETTER OF MYSELF AND HER PARADOXICAL ITERATIONS.
... So did I. ARGH. HE MUST BE STOPPED.
IT SEEMS YOU CAN GO FLUFF YOURSELF, YOU FOUR FOOT INSTIGATOR.
I SAW THAT! THANK YOU!
I REFUSE TO BELIEVE HE COULD CULTIVATE ENOUGH DATA WITH ENOUGH WILLING ITERATIONS OF MYSELF TO VERIFY ANY OF HIS ALLEGED CLAIMS.
What? No. He's not going to do one on me.
The right support, I suppose. :B
Regarding @aeneasCaldarium's #CAGTTL. I have thoroughly reviewed both the content of these dossiers AND the general community backlash. My own personal revulsion aside, I must deliver down props where due for this greased-down reprobate's investigative chops. In a way, they're sales chops, and he is the community's MOST reviled door-to-door entrepreneur! It is a shame that burrowing betwixt the legs of a woman like a fat starving tick seems to occupy the greater share of his cognitive ability, because imagine what he could do if he weren't such a foaming pervert! I have seen the societal contributor that he is FIRSTHAND on the opposite face of the dimensional coin. Slight detraction: I wonder if Gameward has laid eyes on this open admission of desperation and his feelings on the matter. I must forward the guide to him later. BACK TO TOPIC. What else could I possibly say? Am I expected to unflinchingly take up the woman's side of this double shield wall? Normally, I say "very well, bub! And hand me that spear while you're at it!" But lordy, he has read you two so transparently that I daresay your iterations have COLLECTIVELY failed to preserve the mystery. He has you open like the morning paper, and you have permitted such prying eyes in exchange for the cheap thrill and the currency of fleeting romantic attention from a man you do not even actually want! There is a lesson about self-esteem to be delivered here by someone with a gentler touch than mine. For now, I shall simply say this. PLEASE, for the love of all womankind, get shrewd and don't just rummage for these cheap loose sexual extremities out of the bargain bin. #nsfw I guess.
I took a stroll on down to the marketplace of ideas and they had your shit marked down to bottom of the barrel MALARKEY clearance section. Yellow sticker scratch-and-dent. It was shoved under the fixture and coated in dust. They practically paid me to take it off their hands.
Scientists have discovered the fringe alternate timeline in which the human Creators are all British in origin. Everything is the same, practically speaking, but it's Rouse and Rouxy Lalonde.
A slight delay in TOTAL DRAMA ISLAND INTERDIMENSIONAL. #totaldramaisland #tdi @starPower Our beloved host has been BRUTALLY MAIMED in an assassination attempt by some bad actors gunning (quite literally, hoo!) for this production's downfall. Not even this charming dreamboat's namesake sponsored hairspray could shield his dome from a spray of nefarious projectiles. Chryss was healed posthaste, obviously, but like the bonafide Trollywood whiner he is, his contract of employment came with AMPLE allowance for time away from set in the case of his grievous injury. So we'll just be fine-tuning the sets and challenges in the meantime. Stay tuned!
Why thank you, my dear Mr. Kerian. :B
Ahem. I would be remiss NOT to take a brief recess from Crockercorp's annual Conference for Key Market Engagement Strategy to wish a VERY happy Mother's Day... To my future self. :B To all the things you will accomplish, the foremost of which today includes an ASPIRATIONAL quantity of perfect progeny. Congratulations. <3
SOME unanticipated hurdles in transporting some of the TOTAL DRAMA ISLAND INTERDIMENSIONAL contestants from their home dimensions to Earth-C, but trust we will emerge from behind these minor roadblocks victorious! Chryss has been running point guard on congratulating our contestants on their entry, but I'll be delivering the remainder of those messages this evening. Keep your eyes peeled.
#MacroCullsmos #BrandLoyalty #Professionalism #MyBoss https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/c2312ea7389c.png - MC Oleana
I've still yet to discover an iteration of myself I like better than the one who was, and I quote, "Married to Freddy Fazbear." We've bridged the gap from believability into full-on novelty at that point. MORE, I say. Get stupider while you're at it. You may accuse me of sarcasm all you want, but I happen to miss her every single day. Shine on, you beautiful ninny.
Rest assured that once you DO receive some official Crocker family portraiture, it will NOT be me sporting one measly half-feathered hellspawn. In fact, what you OUGHT to picture is a room-stifling crowd of well-bred heirs and heiresses. FORGET the Quiverfull. Mother's loading another mag. She's about to riddle the streets with twenty more. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/4ead170a8217.PNG
What the fuck was I going on about flan for.
We should collaborate in an official capacity. :B
A RAPID FIRE SUMMATION OF MY OPINIONS ON VARIOUS METHODS OF CAKE DECORATION. Part two of ???. Did I say rapid fire? I meant colonial musket speed. This one's going to be a compilation. Lambeth deserved his own post for reasons I hope are self-explanatory. SEPARATED TIER CAKES are most commonly depicted as VINTAGE WEDDING CAKES. You can probably imagine for yourself my reaction to the transformation of a fully edible dessert into something half-plastic, rendered more of a decorative centerpiece. Actually feels like a concession in luxury and labor. But trust me when I say it is nothing compared to those enormous wedding cakes made almost entirely of frosted styrofoam minus the base portion to be cut by the bride and groom. On all that is holy, there is a special place in Hell awaiting those who partake in THAT dullheaded custom. ... I do so love those vintage wedding toppers. Always pictured my own. ... Started doodling. Got distracted. MOVING ON. On the flip side, MINIMALIST CAKES. Can be frosted smoothly without the additional frills, perhaps with a simple texture. May only be crumb-coated. May only be jam-filled with frosting, fruit, or powdered sugar on top. If you were going for rustic- congratulations, you've arrived. If your goal was elegance, you had better hope and pray for a surgeon's hands as you smooth those edges. The well-made cake, inherently, is already a beautiful artifact. It is the natural instinct not to want to make up that which already sports perfect bone structure. Hat on a hat. Some people are into the hat-stacking dealie, if certain fatherly forums are to be believed, but let us give props to doing just enough and no more than that. ARGH. I keep looking at wedding cake toppers. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/7e73372b1570.png
A RAPID FIRE SUMMATION OF MY OPINIONS ON VARIOUS METHODS OF CAKE DECORATION. Part one of ???. VINTAGE LAMBETH CAKES. Starting off on a complimentary note. Ah, my sweet Lambeth. Do give Lambeth Method of Cake Decoration and Practical Pastries by Mr. Joseph A. Lambeth himself a read if you're ever looking to expand your horizons. When done skillfully and with a tactful selection of colors, this layered piping method, all buttercream, can BOTH harken back to timeless luxury AND hop aboard whatever stupid internet aesthetic trend you've decided to embody until all its juice has run out on social media and you're stood holding the dry husk of those Walmart Valentine cakes. Heck, even done UNskillfully, I find the execution charming. The uneven shells and scrolls, all layered together, still culminate in a hot homemade mess worth digging into. Sisters, not octuplets. My ONLY CRITICISM. You will have to discard uneaten frosting at the end of your slice. The frosting ratio is imbalanced due to the superficial demands of the style. But you will find that the hours of intricate detailing smooth your psyche into a flat, winding path upon which you may cruise away the empty afternoon. Unfulfilled housewives with a #substance problem, this is the method for you. Forget your useless husband and children exist as you perfect the sugar fleur de lis. Also, color composition matters in this method matters. The MORE colors you use, the further you drift from cake couture to... homemade-fancy-frill? Monochromatic is most formal. Base color with white trim is cocktail attire. Base color plus different color trim (usually in pastels) is down to semiformal. Adding fruit knocks you down another peg. You will find this timeless method coupled with a myriad of ridiculous internet trends, as all metaphorical reheated nachos are wont to be. See: the bleeding heart-shaped cake with the knife sticking out. Something something Taylor Swift. Frankly, I say send her rear end back to country music. She's not doing anything for the pop genre in which she's been granted residency. Anyhow, try frosting a Lambeth sometime. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/ace092e2fe0d.png
More than a baking rant coming. A baking tirade, if you will.
↘️we are taking mamacoin to the moons.↘️
8-> I AM BEYOND PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE THE VERY FIRST BLOCKCHAIN INTEGRATED ENTRY IN THE ACCLAIMED COOKING MAMA SERIES. I HAD PERSONAL INPUT IN THE CYPHERCASH INTEGRATION OF THIS FANTASTIC GAME. DOWNLOAD IT DIGITALLY TONIGHT! https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/98d58bf6ca70.png
AHEM. I may circulate this post for the afternoon and evening crowds again, so don't be surprised if you see a repost. Here are the details for the next season of TOTAL DRAMA ISLAND INTERDIMENSIONAL. Our roster will include: - Twelve trolls, rust through violet castes. Two will be permitted to enter as hemoanonymous. - Four carapacians. - Eight human beings. - Two wildcards. Sprites, cherubs, and species otherwise not listed here. The grand prize for winning will be a fast track to sleazy tabloid fame, a small fortune, and *one* favor of your choice granted by myself. TOTAL DRAMA ISLAND INTERDIMENSIONAL will be sponsored by Crockercorp and air exclusively on the Bettybroadcast Worldwide network (BBW). You have until May 1st to get your auditions in, at which point we will announce the final cast! We will begin live broadcasting on May 11. Please *Read* and fill out the attached form to audition. https://forms.gle/4LzUEzdjbB3ijuqD8 #totaldramaisland
↘️the reviews of my physically capable and more culinarily entrenched superiors are in.↘️ ↗️AND THEY ARE↗️ ↘️somehow↘️ ↗️ALL POSITIVE.↗️ ↘️i am not even going to lie, i literally do not know how this happened.↘️ ↗️TYPICALLY, MICROWAVING MY OBLONG MEAT PRODUCT SO THAT IT IS A LITTLE BIT TENDER WHEN I LATHE THE ROUNDED END INTO A PREPARED SLUDGEPUDDLE OF YOGHURT ELICITS NEGATIVE REACTIONS FROM MY FELLOW OFFICE STAFF.↗️ ↘️their expletives thrown in tandem with their whips.↘️ ↗️THERE IS NO ACCOUNTING FOR GOOD TASTE.↗️ ↘️i am just pleased to be of likeminded individuals on #angelsnutritionblock.↘️ ↗️ https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/2bbf6126c2b0.png ↗️
I could never audition for #AngelsNutritionBlock as my sheer culinary prowess would tank the competitive spirits of the other amateur contestants. But please rest assured I WILL be watching this evening, popcorn in hand.
STOP ASKING ME IF NANNASPRITE IS SINGLE. YOU COULDN'T HANDLE IT.
Ah, yes. The majestic lusus in its natural habitat. @affableCantor https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/9932b36b6e4c.gif
Unreal Heiress, play Ain't No Rest for the Wicked by Scott Bradlee's Postmodern Jukebox.
↘️i was hatched on the wrong planet.↘️ ↗️IF I WAS HATCHED ON REPITON I WOULD SAY "OH MY ALL-MOTHER."↗️ ↘️i would read sideline.↘️ ↗️I WOULD BUY ALL OF MY PRODUCTS FROM REPITON CORP.↗️ ↘️i would send my messages through skorpe.↘️ ↗️I WOULD TAKE PHOTOGRAPHS AT THE VAST OCEAN OF POLUTION.↗️ ↘️i would work for the glory of capitalism without receiving criticism.↘️ ↗️I WOULD BOND WITH MY FELLOW WARRIORS OF THE WEIGHTED PAPER APPLIANCE IN GAINFUL EMPLOYMENT.↗️ ↘️i was hatched on the wrong planet.↘️
And your response was to inform me that he's gay? As if THAT is the barrier to our great romance? RATS. Otherwise, I could have had him!!! (Mega durr goes here.)
@obliqueDetourer https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/0046055a3877.gif
c< sHOulda said six letters, because cHittr tHe site is six letters lONg, wOulda beeN MOre all eNcOMpasiN Or wHatever >c
... I regret to report that I have become derailed from my own thought processes while attempting to formulate a proper Breaking Bad tier list. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/0ffcae3e3db3.PNG
Sopranos Tier List. Correct opinions only. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/ea90f699102e.PNG
Just so yall are aware, I dont normally do stuff like this. So if I do some sort of faux pas or something like that, please do lemme know
re: above
Everyone wants to be the biggest pervert in the sherbert.
Some of you perverted reprobates ought to have your physical addresses reclassified as Superfund sites. I shudder to imagine what encrustation of bodily material hazards your F-ing dwellings. No, hold on. My moment in the seer's hood. I'm receiving a vision. Mmhmm. Yes. :| Some of you have stalactites hanging over your computer desks. I shan't say what of. #NSFW #NSFWE at this point.
Very nice!
Ahem. Brain bleed. I'm fine. All tidied up. I suppose I will be attending this webinar in my god-jamas. :|
Fatastics news althgiuh it ius true my vehiclke waas ramemed by a woudkl b e assassdin I beleive Iahave escaped the incivdenrt weith minor if not rnegligibel injurie.s #safes
Ahem. Good morning, Chittrlings. I hope we can all find it within ourselves to proceed with a touch more decorum today! No need to drag yesterday's moronics across calendar lines.
Oh. My god. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/d6fee404b14a.jpeg
You can make me out to be the couture curmudgeon if you like, and this may be my father talking, but I am going to say what we are ALL clearly thinking: After a certain point, tie knots do not NEED to be seventeen pleats with the full-frontal loop-dee-loop and the seductive curl at the tail. Tie yourself a firm, respectable Windsor. Double it if you mean business. Triple it if you're about to dominate the board room. Don't tie a Half Windsor. You're not a douchebag at a three star hotel bar. Don't Half Windsor two shirts. Whole Windsor one shirt. "NO ONE KNOWS THESE NECKTIE KNOTS EXIST!!!" Yes, because we're going to have to unleash the jaws of life on your VP of Sales rep's neckline to free him of that blasted arrangement. You spent twenty minutes fiddling with the ALEXANDER THE GREAT SIGMA MALE UNCONCERNED LION KNOT and didn't bother to starch your flimsy shirt. Let us all learn to crawl before we start SOMERSAULTING peacock maneuvers to impress our professional associates. Wisdom of the day. No charge. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/c63694df9641.jpg
Girls' Night! Many thanks to @coralConviviality. ... It went great. Don't ask. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/cfe4d9dbf6a5.PNG
"MOUTHFUL OF WHAT. MOUTHFUL OF WHAT." OH, I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T REALIZE EVERY ALLUSION TO A BODILY ORIFICE WOULD LAUNCH ME INTO A SUDDEN DEATH ROUND OF OF POKE THE PERVERT!!!!! I AM BEATING YOU PEOPLE OFF WITH STICKS HERE!
I just know it as fact that some of you are making Janes in Tomodachi Life and dipping them in tar or boiling water or somesuch.
STOP MAILING ME PRINTED COPIES OF THIS IMAGE I DON'T EVEN LOOK LIKE THAT. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/689864295712.PNG
https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/29bd4bd6803b.png
LEAVE ME ALONE! GRAHHH. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/72724fb3c6db.jpg https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/d17d73bfdb1e.jpg
Trying to pinpoint my insecurities by highlighting CURRENT failings will not give you a foothold on my nerves. You simply have to know how mortifying I was to be around in 2011. You want to antagonize me? I suggest you find my quasi-twee epic bacons graphic tee teenage polyvores!
Disagree thoroughly with the budding sentiment that boys should not be fighting over you and rather should simply begin tonguing EACH OTHER. Whoever decided THAT was the move? I demand you resume the scuffle at once. Tear him to shreds! Your status in my periphery depends on it!!!
Yes, it is. :B
In honor of 420. In an official capacity, I must disclaim that this chart is entirely divorced from my own real-life experiences. I, Jane Crocker, Maid of Life, have never done a drug. Never do a drug. #neverdoadrug Anywhoodle. #substances https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/dfa29e0a13b9.PNG
@caligulasAquarium returned from his shindig shortly after I returned home from my own trip, and we spent some time at the house just catching up on all the latest developments. Had dinner, et cetera. Which quickly devolved into watching CMV (Creator Music Videos) edits online. Now, *I* thought he was going to despise the myriad of Eridan edits compiled to the tune of "DON'T MESS WITH ME" by Temposhark (because they make ME guffaw like a starving mule; I find them absurd), but to my surprise he actually quite enjoyed them!! :| It THEN became my intention to find one that eclipsed his need for public attention into full-blown mortification. And I did, sure as sugar cubes. "KISS WITH A FIST" by Florence + the Machine. #erisol. I suspect each of the Creators has a most AND least favorite song to which their worshippers compile their lives into pithy shortform content. It has become my mission to find those songs.
Good morning, Chittrlings. (Fantastic term recommended to me by @ectoBiologist#9531 btw. Not only is it cut directly from the theming of the platform, it works because you all go on for miles and are ceaselessly full of shit!)
Another installment of five. Part three. #janetalk #controversial #hidenolonger 11.) Some among you loudly disclaiming my ideology on the feed are DEBASING YOURSELVES in my direct messages. 12.) I am not nearly as bad as a number of you are making me out to be. You wouldn't blink twice if the same opinions were delivered to your chat client by a local highblood, but your preconceptions about overly-mushy human sentimentality blind you to the fact that nothing I am saying or doing is that dadgum bad. 13.) Baking isn't that hard. You are simply piss poor at following instructions. We as a corporation have boiled the process down to the point that most primates could nail it after a couple of tries and a number of you are STILL frying crunchy-crust crudcakes straight out of your grimy ovens. Get better. 14.) I have a private tier list of you ALL ranked best to worst in terms of my personal favor. There are NO ties. I don't believe in them. Each of you is above someone and below someone else, Scooby Doo sandwich style. This includes personal friends and their iterations. You could climb or plummet from the leaderboards on a daily basis. 15.) As of the time of posting, every Alternian heiress prior to the one with which I am acquainted does not exist to me.
Here you are. In installments of five. Part one. #janetalk #controversial #hidenolonger 1.) I automatically assume the majority of you are nineteen (YEARS old) and unemployed unless proven otherwise. 2.) Some of your typing quirks are conceptually so stupid or painful to read that I ignore your entire person. 3.) Nary a fucking one of you has facial hair worth a second glance. (Save for one I've seen, and he knows who he is.) 4.) I am constantly comparing alternative iterations of my companions to see who is or isn't measuring up. My group is typically on the winning end by my own metrics. 5.) I would LIKE to do so with my own iterations, but you all just KEEP BEING such insufferable numbskulls that I consider you Janes in name alone.
Another shoot this morning. I'm reticent to attach the release of the images to profanity, but per my social media manager, they "helmed the mothership straight into the cuntagon." https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/04a43867d9bf.png
Inquiry for the troll population. Curious if this falls in line with your thought process. Is there a lusus which you might consider a red flag in a prospective acquaintance? If so, what is it?
I opened my phone straightaway to share with you some of the select moments of our great adventure. HOW is it possible that the ONLY photograph taken of the yacht is one I had to source off JAKE'S PHONE from the group chat. This is dog-piddle, bottom of the barrel capture work. That boy's phone is simply so shattered that I suspect he gives himself another earring every time he takes a call off speaker. Just embedding shards right in his lobes. His camera's as concussed as his melon. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/aefe1225f72d.PNG
Home at last- and with one more day to decompress before the turn of the work week! ... Ah, yes. 6,338 emails. That sounds about right. Unreal Heiress, initiate the inbox catch-up doomscroll.
There are users on this platform for whom I have a silent parasocial investment. They are so unrelentingly funny. And yet I cannot interact on principle.
Do you realize how badly you must flub a social interaction to make ME the wokeJane. Genuine congratulations to that hot mess as she plummets from the rankings.
↗️I AM SO EXCITED.↗️ ↘️we are going to be popping the biggest bottles when calder, a hardened gaming superior, beats↘️ ↗️"THE GAME".↗️
Gee. Only half?
The "Rice Purity Test?" ... Could you not simply wash your grains of their imperfections prior to cooking? Some of you CLEARLY don't own the Betty Crocker Rinse & Ready Rice Separator. Three easy payments of $19.99. Shipping and handling included to most Kingdoms.
Last night recap: Talked @golgothasTerror out of entering a PUBLIC karaoke competition in a full Nacho Libre mask for anonymity. I said "buster, if they don't recognize your voice, those CHOMPERS are going to tip them off from here to New Nak City."
Crawled into the giant commemorative private Margaritaville cocktail statue like infant Christ in the manger. The new JC emerges fully formed, like the homjnculus. #substances
Oh, all right.* *FOR COMEDIC PURPOSES ONLY. #nsfw I guess. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/6c6afb9be7a7.jpeg
F (Foxworthy), M (Swanson), K (Funke). #nsfw
Jake has apparently paid the crew exorbitant fistfuls of cash to see which salamander on board can blow the bubble faring best against the sea breeze. I come up to the pool deck and he has them lined up blowing salivary membranes ROILING with vape cloud. #substances I guess.
🐟︎ ⋆˚࿔ I think it's kind of sweet in the pathetic sort of way
I'll be at the bus stop three days' walking distance from your home. Don't leave until I get there.
Don't you have a masturbatory habit to feed. #NSFW I guess.
The first IQ of zero. Shut down the labs, everyone. We've successfully created the first man with no brain.
On personal invite from a colleague, sat in on the Human Kingdom Public Transit and Infrastructure Authority meeting this morning. It seems the projected budget for next three quarters is running below expected. I sure hope a major public contributor business entity didn't take advantage of any frivolously high tax deduction ceilings on religious donations-slash-ceremonies of worship. I am sure I will be able to cut this poor government a deal on a privatized sponsorship in their time of need. In fact, in the blind ecstatic haze of my generosity, I may even upgrade public traffic cameras. We have a new model of surveillance system tailored precisely to their needs. Big things coming.
I AM NOT SEX YACHTING WITH THE OTHER CREATORS IT IS A SIMPLE BIRTHDAY PARTY THERE ARE AGENTS OF DISCORD ACTIVELY WORKING TO BESMIRCH MY GOOD NAME you know what. I'm going to calm down. It's fine. I'm an adult. #nsfw
✿ now u gotta try fourdee lokos
Finally in contact with the real intellectuals of our age. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/53b1fdcbd174.png
... Ok, I might have thought the timing of these posts through a touch more. Previous chit aside. I will be on a private yacht tour with Dirk, Jake, Roxy and Calliope starting this Friday and continuing across the next. Eleven days. Im commemoration of my birthday. ... It's a normal, friendlystyle, PLATONIC private yacht retreat. ... I will still be answering emails and official inquiries. And maybe we'll post some pictures.
Official statement. The subsection of the Creator Pantheon formerly known as the "Alpha Kids" are NOT in any manner of vacillating quadruple-slash-quintuple. Thank you.
AMA. http://cdn.imgchest.com/files/1b23a98a6532.png
Good morning, all. Holy cow, my birthday is rapidly approaching. The date almost slipped my mind.
What was your favorite part of #eridanweek? ❤️ - RUMBLE NIGHT ♠️ - IWANTCANDY NIGHT ♦️ - TROLL LADY GAGA ♣️ - THE CRUCIFIXION
An #eridanweek finale official post. #gore #murder Good morning, all!!! For those of you attentive to religious milestones from worlds past, this day holds some significance. For others, it is merely the bookend on yet another long, toiling week. I propose an alternative! Day Five of #eridanweek was an endeavor of such indulgence that on Day Six, I bid you all rest. You may be feeling your own regrets. Remorse, guilt, embarrassment. A FOOLISHNESS for trusting someone close to you, or yourself for allowing that to happen. And perhaps you are even thinking to yourself: "Gee whiz!!! I am such a piece of shit BETRAYER to all things I ever held dear!" Well, come on down to the ORIGINAL #ERIDANWEEK VENUE for the ULTIMATE ACT OF ATONEMENT. This moral laxative is sure to grease the skids on utterly vacating you of ALL the self-doubt and emotional complications presently bloating you to discomfort. Your FIGURE OF WORSHIP is here to REDEEM YOU OF YOUR SINS. My sins! And most of all, HIS OWN PUTRID REPREHENSIBLE SINS. PAST AND PRESENT. You are reading this correctly. This evening, Eridan Ampora WILL BE CRUCIFIED. He will die FOR YOU, dearest worshipper. And we will all feel a whole lot better about ourselves. And if you personally were murdered by Eridan Ampora, YOU are entitled to a FREE JUMBO BUTTERSCOTCH TURNOVER. Visit the NANNA'S HANDPIES stand to redeem both this offer and your own moral failings. Happy fucking Eridan Week, traitor! >:( @caligulasAquarium
🎦 late day guerilla stream ladz, cheffing up a 10 million scoville warheads infused sausage and seeing if i can finish the entire thing without waking the neighborzzzz
... Official stadtement maybe. In light of yesterdasy evening's festrivities, this day of #eridanweek will bes our day of rest. #dayofrest
... ... ... Good morning.
7ou know what, 7ou (ould be right. i AM built different
A #personalpost unrelated to official matters. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/13e808cfa613.png
Unfortunately, I was unable to participate in last night's festivities. I PERSONALLY made the perilous journey to a secure Crockercorp underground bunker to secure the requisite implement for tonight. ... Unlike our previous events, we invite ONLY the courageous select few among you to journey deep within yourselves. This will be a night of communion to forces with which you are all yet unawares. Access to a relic of the time before the Creators. Welcome to #eridanweek Night Five. How's the state of your sweet tooth? Confirm your attendance with #IWANTCANDY on the timeline. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/043f8154d007.png
A formal statement on the events of last night's MARVUS XOLOTO performance. It is my sincerest regret that our star performer was not able to enchant you all with the musical stylings of his newest single #BIGFATA$$. However, it seems the arrival of some additional bad actors, in a desperate plea NOT to change the ideologies of the people, but merely to gain my attention, detonated an explosive in the arena shortly after the announcement of the night's closing performance. UNFORTUNATELY, the sheer quantity of oil sprayed amongst the arena and crowds acted as an accelerator. Crockercorp pledges to utilize a water-based lubricant for all future events featuring two men in skimpy shorts slamming one another before a roaring crowd. Anyway. Reanimations and mass healings have taken place throughout the evening and are now completed. Thank you all for attending. Announcement for this evening's festivities are to come shortly. #eridanweek #bombing #oiledup #badcombo
h heading out d don’t worry if you c can’t reach me.
REVENGE IS A DISH BEST SERVED... BY ME, BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!
1MPLY1NG 1 DON'T PUT 3V3RY COPY THROUGH TH3 SHR3DD3R