KARKAT VANTAS

3 days ago

Verified

A user of established repute

@carbolicGalvanologist[CG]

----AUTO-SENT FROM PALMHUSK AT 4:13 AM PLACIDIC STANDARD TIME (PST)---- WELL. I GUESS THIS IS IT. IT'S GONNA BE A LONG ONE, SO SKIP TO THE END IF YOU DON'T GIVE A SHIT. I'VE BEEN STUCK IN THE FETID, RUBBERY DIGESTION SAC OF THIS GARGANTUAN BLUBBERBEAST FOR ALMOST TWO DAYS. THE GOOD NEWS? I MANAGED TO FIND SOME SORT OF... HONESTLY, I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT THIS THING IS. IT'S THE MOST UNWHOLESOMELY UNPLEASANT SEA VESSEL I'VE EVER LAID EYES ON. IT'S SOME KIND OF HUGE, BUOYANT CHARIOT WITH FLEXIBLE SACS FOR MY FRONDS TO FIT INTO. FROM THE LOOKS OF IT, IT'S GOT TO BE *ANCIENT,* BUT ITS SOMEHOW STILL INTACT. I'M, UH. REALLY TRYING TO AVOID SITTING ON THE SEAT. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES AM I SITTING ON THIS SEAT. I REFUSE TO ELABORATE. BUT THANKS TO THIS THING, I'VE BEEN ABLE TO LOCOMOTE TO *SOME* DEGREE WITHOUT BEING DISSOLVED. AND IN A MORBID CASE OF IRONY, I HAVE, OVER THE LAST COUPLE OF DAYS STUCK IN AN UNDULATING SEA BEAST, FOUND MY SEA LEGS. THE BAD NEWS? IT'S BEEN A WHILE, AND NO RESCUE HAS SHOWN UP. MY FRIENDS ARE LITERALLY GODS. GODS AND CORPORATE MOGULS OF PREPOSTEROUS WEALTH AND EMPRESSES AND SEAFARING CACKLEBEASTS IN PETTICOATS WHO I'D LOVE TO SEE AS HALF-DIGESTED LEVIATHAN CHUNKS, BUT WHOM I'D RATHER SEE PRYING ME OUT OF HERE BEFORE I BECOME ONE, MYSELF. AND DESPITE IT ALL, NO ONE'S MANAGED TO FIND ME. THERE'S A CHANCE THAT SOMEONE COULD RECONSTITUTE ME FROM WHATEVER ACIDIC GOOP IS LEFT OF ME, BUT KNOWING THE OPPORTUNISTIC PSYCHOPATHS I ASSOCIATE WITH, JANE WOULD PROBABLY BRING ME BACK AS AN EVIL CORPORATE DRONE, AND FEFERI MIGHT BRING ME BACK AS SOME KIND OF IMPERIAL DRONE-HYBRID, FOR ALL I KNOW. RIGHT NOW, I HAVE THE RARE AND PERHAPS FINITE CERTAINTY OF BEING *ME.* AND I GUESS I'VE MADE MY PEACE WITH IT. KIND OF. NOT REALLY, BUT I CAN'T PIERCE THE INSIDE OF THIS THING WITH FUCKING ANYTHING, AND IT'S BEEN MAKING *EXTREMELY* WORRYING SOUNDS THAT INDICATE TO ME THAT SOMETHING IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN, AND I'M NOT THRILLED TO GUESS WHAT IT IS. IF I HAD TO, I'D BET THAT IT'S GOING TO SWALLOW YET ANOTHER DERELICT HUNK OF SHIPWRECK, WHICH WILL KNOCK THE TROLL LIVING IN ITS BILIOUS INNARDS LOOSE AND TOSS ME INTO ITS SAC SOLVENT TO FINALLY TURN INTO NUTRIENT SLUDGE. MAYBE I'LL FIND A WAY OUT OF THIS. I MIGHT PULL SOME RIDICULOUS HIJINK OUT OF MY WASTE CHUTE AND PADDLE TO SAFETY THROUGH LEAGUES OF ROILING, BLACK ABYSS. OR JUST FUCKING EXPLODE UNDER THE IMMENSE, APHOTIC PRESSURE. BUT IF I DON'T, THEN AS MUCH AS IT *TORTURES* MY THROBBING SHAME GLAND TO SAY EVEN *ONE* NICE THING ABOUT ANY OF THE RAGING, CORYBANTIC ASSHOLES I'VE MET IN THE LAST WIPE... WELL, I DON'T WANT THEM TO THINK THAT I WAS AN UNGRATEFUL, INVERTEBRATE CHUMP WHO DIDN'T GIVE A BUGWINGED FUCK ABOUT THEM. I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO GET A CHIT TO SEND IN OR OUT OF THIS THING'S FEEDERHOSEN (MAYBE ITS GUTS ARE LINED WITH LEAD, OR SOMETHING. I DON'T KNOW), BUT I'M SETTING UP THIS CHIT SO THAT IT WILL HOPEFULLY UPLOAD ON ITS OWN AS SOON AS IT FINDS A POINT OF CONNECTION. IN THE EVENT THAT I DON'T ACTUALLY DIE, AND RESCUE SOMEHOW MANAGES TO COME AT THE *LAST* POSSIBLE SECOND, I DON'T THINK I'D BE ABLE TO SHOW MY FACE IN THIS OR ANY EXISTING TIMELINE IF I REALLY OPENED THE FLOODGATES AND LET AN UNMITIGATED TORRENT OF TROLLASSES-THICK EMOTIONAL *SAP* RUSH OUT IN BIBLICAL PROPORTIONS, SO I'M GOING TO FORCE MYSELF, FOR ONCE, TO BE CONCISE. AND TO SPARE MYSELF THE UNBEARABLE HUMILIATION OF INDICATING THAT I LIKED ANY OF YOU ESPECIALLY WELL, I'M ALSO DOING THIS IN COLD, STERILE, ALPHABETICAL ORDER. IN FACT, FOR GOOD MEASURE, I'M MAKING IT REVERSE-ALPHABETICAL. BECAUSE EVEN HERE AND NOW, I CAN'T HELP DOING EVERYTHING CHUTE-BACKWARDS. THESE COUNTERMEASURES SHOULD SERVE TO SUFFICIENTLY DILUTE WHAT WOULD OTHERWISE BE A FLESH-SEARINGLY CAUSTIC TIDAL WAVE OF AFFECTION BILE LAUNCHED STRAIGHT FROM THE MOST PUNGENT RECESSES OF MY PITY PUMP. #ENDEARINGDEATHDAY, OR SOMETHING. @WALKSTABWALK. I HATE THE WAY YOU DID IT, BUT THANK YOU FOR GETTING ME TO 2K. THANKS FOR HAVING MY BACK, JACK. @MEGALOMEMES. YOU'VE BASICALLY BEEN AROUND SINCE NIGHT ONE, HERE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS YOU SEE IN ME THAT'S WORTH FOLLOWING, BUT THANKS. @IMPERIOUSCONDESCENSION. UNBELIEVABLE THAT I'M SAYING THIS HERE, BUT THANK YOU FOR SOMEHOW UNDOING A LIFETIME-LONG FEAR THAT HAD BEEN INDOCTRINATED FROM THE MOMENT OF HATCHING. ELECTROSHOCK THERAPY COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT BETTER. @GUTSYGUMSHOE. YOU ARE SO MANY THINGS. MANY OF THEM WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE OF THIS DEATHCUPE CONFESSION IF I HURLED THOSE BARBED EPITHETS AT YOUR EXPRESSION PLATE. BUT YOU'RE ALSO A GOOD SPORT. THANKS FOR HAVING MY DORSAL RIDGE. @GRIMAUXILIATRIX AND @GLAMOROUSAUSPACIAR. BOTH OF YOU HAD THE CHANCE TO *NOT* COMPEL ME TO RUN MY SHOUTGASH ABOUT TROLL WEEZER. YOU BOTH ENCOURAGED ME TO DO IT, ANYWAY. IT'S NICE TO KNOW THAT SOMEONE WANTS TO LISTEN. @GALLOWSCALIBRATOR#1433. I'VE CHITTED IT ONCE, I'LL CHIT IT AGAIN. YOU'RE MY FUCKING LIFE SUPPORT. IRONIC, SINCE I'M ON THE VERGE OF A GRUESOME EXTINCTION, BUT YOU'VE KIND OF BEEN HERE SINCE THE BEGINNING. THANKS FOR LOOKING OUT FOR ME, TEREZI. @GALLOWSCALIBRATORR ALSO GETS A CRUMB OF MY GRATITUDE BECAUSE YOU DO ALMOST ALWAYS HAVE SOMETHING NAUSEATINGLY UPLIFTING TO SAY. IT BALANCES OUT THE SEVERELY TOXIC PH THAT I BRING TO THE FLAT, OBLONG EATING PLATFORM. I REALLY NEED TO STOP THINKING ABOUT ACID. AND BEING DISSOLVED. EUGH. @DOGWOODJACKAL. I AM NOT YOUR DAD. OR YOUR "CRABDAD." OR AT LEAST, I WASN'T. BUT IF YOU SPEND ALL YOUR TIME WONDERING IF YOU'RE "THEIR KARKAT" OR "NOT THEIR KARKAT," YOU MISS OUT ON THE CHANCE TO BE "ANYONE'S KARKAT." SO YEAH, I GUESS I SOMEHOW AUDITIONED FOR A PART I NEVER ASKED FOR AND GOT IT. I DON'T HATE THAT. MUCH. @CUTTLEFISHCODDLER. IT'S A SECRETING SHAME THAT WE DIDN'T GET TO TALK MUCH BEFORE I WAS IMMEDIATELY SWALLOWED BY A BRINY BEHEMOTH NIGHTMARE FISH FROM THE FUCK-OFF DEEP. YOUR SITUATION SEEMS INTENSE. I GUESS IT ENDS UP THAT WAY FOR A LOT OF US, THE OLDER WE GET. I HOPE YOU'RE DOING OKAY. REALLY. IF I LIVE, YOU MIGHT BE GENUINELY PROUD OF HOW WELL I'VE GOTTEN USED TO THIS WHOLE "SEA LEGS" THING. I COULD DO A FUCKING BACKFLIP WHILE THIS THING IS PITCHING AROUND. I WON'T. BECAUSE THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE THAT I'LL FALL IN ACID AND DIE. @COLUMBIDAETOXICOLOGIST. I HAD NO INTENTION OF STICKING AROUND FOR MORE THAN TEN SECONDS ON THIS OOZING PUSTULE OF A WEBSITE UNTIL YOU WERE MY FIRST FOLLOW. FUCK YOU FOR MAKING ME ADMIT THIS, BUT YOU'RE HYSTERICAL. NOT ENOUGH PEOPLE KNOW THAT YOU'RE A PROFESSOR OF MATHEMATICS AT TROLL HARVARD AND TROLL MIT, AND THAT SHOULD BE A CULLABLE CRIME. @CENTAURSPERIPHERALS. EQUIUS. YOU'RE A FREAK. YOU'RE THE MOST REVOLTING PIECE OF SHIT I'VE EVER BEEN FORCED ONTO A MOVING VESSEL WITH. AND KEEP IN MIND, VRISKA WAS ON THAT SHIP, TOO. SO THAT'S *REALLY* SAYING SOMETHING. I HATE THAT IF YOU'RE READING THIS, YOU'RE PROBABLY READING IT WITH SWEAT POURING DOWN YOUR FOREHEAD IN A STEADY, CONSTANT STREAM OF SUCH LUDICROUS VOLUME THAT YOU'VE ALREADY SHORTED ALL THE ELECTRONICS NEAR YOU. I HATE WHAT A FREAK YOU ARE. BUT YOU'RE A LOYAL FREAK. THANKS FOR TRYING TO HELP, EARLIER. GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR WHOLE "REDEMPTION ARC." YOU REALLY, *REALLY* HAVE YOUR WORK CUT OUT FOR YOU, THERE. @CALIGVLASAQVARIVM, @CALIGULASAQUARIUM, @CALIGULAASCENDIT. FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU X3 COMBO. FUCK ALL THREE OF YOU FOR BEING SO FUCKING PRESENT IN MY LIFE. I HATE THAT OF ALL THE STEAMING PIECES OF SHIT HERE, YOU THREE WENT TO BAT FOR ME IN A WAY I'M INCAPABLE OF DENYING. FUCK YOU, ERIDAN. FUCK YOU FOR BEING SUCH A GOOD FRIEND. FUCK YOU FOR BEING A REALLY GOOD FRIEND. @BUMMELBOOGIE. SERIOUSLY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT SOME OF YOU ARE CLUTCHING FOR BY HANGING ONTO THE DRIVEL THAT COMES OUT OF THIS ACCOUNT, BUT YOU'VE ALSO BEEN HERE SINCE PRETTY MUCH THE BEGINNING. THANKS. @ASPIRINGPESSIMIST. THIS HONESTLY MIGHT BE THE HARDEST ONE FOR ME TO WRITE. I FEEL LIKE THIS MENTION IS INCRIMINATING IN ITS OWN SELF-EVIDENCE, BUT I'VE. UGH. I'VE GENUINELY ENJOYED TALKING TO YOU. I KNOW I ALREADY SAID THIS BEFORE I WAS TROLLNAPPED BY MY CURRENT, HIGHLY LETHAL MOBILE HIVE, BUT THANKS FOR HELPING ME SAVE EXPRESSION-PLATE AT FIGHT NIGHT. I DON'T KNOW IF YOU EVEN WANT TO TALK TO ME, AFTER I DISAPPEARED THE WAY I DID. AND THEN DISAPPEARED AGAIN. INTO THE BELLOWHOLE OF A SEA MONSTER. BUT IF I MAKE IT OUT OF HERE (AND I HAD BETTER NOT, AFTER SAYING ALL OF THIS CRAP), THEN I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU THE MOST SINCERE APOLOGY THAT I CAN DIG OUT OF MY BLACK, RUSTY, MAGGOT-RIDDLED BLOOD PUSHER AND PUSH IT YOUR WAY LIKE A FERAL PURRBEAST DROPS A MANGLED RODENT CORPSE. AND THANK YOU, AGAIN. @ARACHNIDSGRIPES. I TAKE IT BACK. THERE IS ONE TROLL I DREAD WRITING A MESSAGE FOR MORE THAN ANY OTHER. OF ALL THE RECIPIENTS EVER TO BEAR THE ROILING BRUNT OF MY FURIOUS, BURNING HATE, YOU ARE BY FAR THE MOST INTOLERABLE BITCH EVER TO EARN MY IRE. WORDS FAIL TO ENCAPSULATE THE DEPTH OF MY HATE. ACTIONS FAIL TO MAKE VIVID ITS DEPTHS. ONLY THE BLACK, BURNING CORONA OF AN ECLIPSE, CATACLYSMIC IN ITS STYGIAN GRANDEUR, RENDING THE LIGHT FROM THE SKY LIKE A CLAW PLUCKING THE GANDERBULB OF A GOD FROM ITS SOCKET, SEARING WITH A RUBY-RED RING OF IRE ALL WHO WOULD GAZE INTO THE ABYSS, COMES CLOSE TO ONE ONE-SQUINTILLIONTH OF THE HATE I FEEL FOR YOU IN THIS EXACT MOMENT. HATE. HATE. HATE. SIGH. AND YET, IT WAS MY OWN STUPID FAULT FOR COMING OUT HERE. I GET THE FEELING THAT YOU'RE PROBABLY LOOKING FOR ME JUST SO YOU CAN RUB YOUR SNIFFSTUMP IN MY FACE ABOUT WHAT A LAMEASS I AM AND HOW COOL YOU ARE FOR SAVING ME AND HOW WE SHOULD TOTALLY HATESNOG ABOUT IT BECAUSE YOU THINK IT MAKES YOU SOOOOOOOO SEXY, WHICH IS A CLAIM YOU TREAT AS SELF-EVIDENT FACT DESPITE YOUR CONSTANT NEED TO RESTATE IT OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER. AND FRANKLY, IT DOESN'T. IT JUST MAKES YOU AN INSUFFERABLE WHORE. BUT YOU *ARE* THE INSUFFERABLE WHORE WHO CONVINCED ME TO MAKE MY CHITTR IN THE FIRST PLACE. SO IT'S WITH MY TEETH CLENCHED TO THE POINT WHERE I CAN FEEL MY MANDIBLES CRACKING FROM THE SHEER STRAIN OF MY SEETHING FURY THAT I ADMIT THAT IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU, NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED. YEAH. OKAY. THE WEIRD SEABEAST NOISES ARE GETTING LOUDER. THERE'S A SORT OF GURGLING SOUND, AND THE... WATER? ACID? THE LIQUID LEVEL IN THE PART OF THE FEEDTUBE I'M IN IS GOING DOWN, WHICH COULD BE VERY GOOD, OR VERY BAD. I GUESS I'LL FIND OUT, SOON. EITHER WAY, I'VE GOT TO SET THIS CHIT UP TO POST AUTOMATICALLY WHEN IT GETS THE CHANCE TO. *IF* IT GETS THAT CHANCE. #UNETHICALRELATIONSHIPADVICE: IN A PERFECT WORLD, DON'T WAIT UNTIL YOU'RE SIXTY SECONDS FROM BECOMING DIGESTIVE SLUDGE TO TELL PEOPLE THAT YOU GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THEM. YOU DON'T NEED TO BE A PERPETUALLY CHUFFED FREAK WITH A BIG, STUPID SMILE PLASTERED ON YOUR FACE ALL NIGHT AND DAY, BUT IF YOU'RE A SCREAMING, DISAGREEABLE TERMITE LIKE ME NINE TIMES OUT OF TEN, THEN, WELL. MAYBE THE TENTH TIME, DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT. THAT WAY, YOU WON'T BE CHITTING YOUR OWN FUCKING EULOGY FROM A PLACE THAT SMELLS LIKE THE PICKLED WASTE CHUTE OF A DEAD, AQUEOUS ASS-KRAKEN THAT'S BEEN ROTTING IN THE DEEP SINCE TIME IMMEMORIAL. IF YOU READ THIS FAR, YOU'RE FUCKING INSANE. WISH ME LUCK.