DAMARA MEGIDO.
@handMaid
CAUTION ⚠️ WET FLOOR ‼️
You've been wanting it. You've been waiting for it. You've been begging so sweetly that we had no choice but to give it to you. We're going back to Da Pumpkin Patch for a rambunctious returning Rumble this Thursday evening. We've got pounds upon pounds of prime beef, oil by the barrel, and a special opening act that'll have you wishing you'd paid for tickets in the Splash Zone. More details to come. Be there. #imcoming #rumble #rumblenight
YES! YES!!!! #IMCOMING!!!! #IMCOMING TO #RUMBLENIGHT!!!! TEAR THOSE BETA BOTTOM BITCHES APART!!!! LIKE THE #ALPHABEAST YOU ARE!!!! #DIRKJAKE #DIRKARMY #NSFW
𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐅𝐞𝐥𝐭 𝐢𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐇𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠! A proud, family-managed enterprise operating outside the boundaries of narrative stability, the Felt is looking to renew an expansion initiative under the continued supervision of myself, pending direct oversight by Lord English of multiversal destruction fame. Applicants are encouraged to review the following qualifications before submission. Our standards are exacting. Applicants are expected to exhibit a certain cultivated flair. We are not interested in recruiting common goons who grunt through their problems akin to bovines wandering into traffic. We seek individuals with presence. Those among you who understand that presentation is not ancillary to violence, but rather violence's elegant twin sibling. A proper Felt operative should be capable of entering a room and causing discomfort or envy without speaking a single word. The best among you will manage it without even entering the room. Experience with temporal anomalies, organized tactics, occult practices, cue sports, assassination, extortion, psychological warfare, or narrative manipulation is preferred. Applicants capable of violating causality in a pleasing manner are especially encouraged to apply. Do not be embarrassed to specify your supernatural or otherwise absurd gimmick. Naturally, some may inquire as to workplace expectations. The only real requirement is professionalism. The Felt is an institution that values decorum, punctuality, and loyalty. One should arrive to assignments properly dressed, armed, and psychologically prepared for the possibility that one's coworkers possess foreknowledge of one's own death. Such circumstances should not interfere with productivity. You will find the work stimulating. At times, literally so. Gunfire is common, alongside paradoxes, doomed timelines, eldritch encounters, internal betrayals, and long stretches of deeply uncomfortable silence shared between dangerous individuals in suits so expensive entire civilizations had to culminate and work themselves to death to produce them. The benefits package is exceedingly generous. Employees receive a wardrobe stipend sufficient to maintain the organization's dignified chromatic standards. Resurrection leave is provided where applicable. Dental coverage remains available in stable timelines. You will enjoy access to private galas, exclusive social functions, and networking opportunities with aristocrats, immortals, and monsters of social standing. Few organizations offer advancement opportunities capable of transcending time itself. Some applicants may express concern regarding upward mobility. You will discover the Felt embraces meritocracy with admirable sincerity. Demonstrate your competence, survive impossible odds, assassinate your targets in a stylish manner, and your ambition will be rewarded. Of course, failure is punished. You will be guided, observed, curated, and cultivated with the same care one might apply to an ornamental species in a gilded laboratory. The Felt does not inherently promise safety, morality, or psychological wellbeing. What I offer is vastly more valuable. Importance. After all, obscurity is the closest thing your species has to true death.
Yo. It's be really funny if
WHERE AM I ON THIS GRAPH?
THIS IS HUGE FOR ME. TO APPEAR ON THE ESTEEMED. BITCHES ONLY. #YURI TIER. WITH @ARCHIVEADDICT. PROBABLY #SCISSORING. THIS IS A COLOSSAL. WORLD DESTROYING. GODKILLING W. I NEVER IMAGINED. I WOULD ASCEND ABOVE 7. IN THE ORGANIZATIONAL CHART. IT'S AN HONOR. AS THE WISE ANCIENTS SAID. THE STUDENT BECOMES THE TEACHER. I'D LIKE TO THANK ALL MY VALUED PROFESSIONAL CONTACTS. @CALIBORN. 7. 8. 15. 4. @TACITURNTERROR. RANKYCHAN. VARIOUS CLOWNS. WHOSE NAMES I NEVER BOTHERED TO LEARN. OH. AND. OF COURSE. THE VITALLY IMPORTANT. AND PIVOTAL. @ARQUIUSPRITE. #NSFW
YOU ARE ALWAYS MAKING A MESS IN THE MANOR. SO IN LIEU OF APPEARING ON THE BEAUTIFUL. IMMACULATELY CRAFTED. PUBLIC FACING. EXECUTIVE LEVEL BUSINESS BITCH CHART. FEEL FREE TO CLOSE YOUR EYES. AND IMAGINE YOURSELF OUTSIDE. IN THE BARKBEASTHIVE. WHERE YOU CANNOT GET CRUMBS AND MUD AND RUBBLE ALL OVER THE CARPETS.
NO. FUCKING. WAY. I KNOW YOU THINK YOU'RE BEING CHARACTERISTICALLY HYSTERICAL, BUT I NEED YOU, AS THEY SAY, "SAY SIKE RIGHT FUCKING NOW." DID IT NOT SUFFICIENTLY TICKLE YOUR FUCKING SHAME GLOBES TO BE ACKNOWLEDGED AS A FIGURE OF *COSMOLOGICAL* IMPORT BY BEFORUS'S TENURED PSYCHO-BITCH LOREMASTER? YOU WANT TO TAKE THAT NARRATIVE GEAR-JAMMING BONE BULGE OF YOURS AND SELL IT TO THE *METRO TIMESHIT AUTHORITY?* SO THEY CAN EXPLOIT EVERY JOKE YOU EVER CRACK, SPONSOR EVERY ONE (1) RAISIN YOU EAT FOR BREAKFAST, MILK YOU DRY OF EVERY LAST DROP OF INFLAMMATORY CLOUT JUICE IN YOUR BODY LIKE A FUCKING HERDBEAST BEFORE THEY TURN YOU INTO YESTERDAY'S CULLBEEF? ARE YOU SMOKING *CRACK?* LET ME SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU. "WOULD IT BE FUNNY?" YES. FOR FIVE FREE-BLEEDING MINUTES OF "LOL, LMAO"-ELICITING GIGGLESPASMING, IT WOULD BE A NOVELTY ON THE TIMELINE. AND THEN IT WOULD NOSEDIVE INTO THE MOST SEVERE SPATIAL-TEMPORAL CRASHOUT THIS SITE HAS EVER SEEN. I'M SO CONCERNED THAT YOU'LL ACTUALLY PULL THIS DUMPSTER-SPONGED STUNT THAT AT THIS POINT, IF THERE WAS A *NON-ZERO* PERCENT CHANCE THAT YOU'D FOLLOW THROUGH, I WOULD THROW MY APPLICATION RIGHT IN THERE JUST TO MAKE SURE THAT SOMEONE WITH MORE THAN TWO PAN CELLS TO SQUEAK TOGETHER IS THERE TO KEEP YOU FROM BLOWING UP A FUCKING UNIVERSE. SIGN ME THE FUCK UP. CULL THE "T"S AND BLOT THE "I"S. IF YOUR STUPID ASS IS APPLYING TO THE FULL-TIME POSITION OF "FLOOR SHITTER," THEN I'M CLOCKING IN AS THE FUCKING JANITOR. SO OBVIOUSLY, DON'T DO THIS. SO THAT THIS DOESN'T HAVE TO HAPPEN.
... HANG ON. I'M. NOT BEING HELD TO THIS. JUST BECAUSE IT'S ON WRITING ON AN OFFICIAL FELT CHITT. RIGHT. HANG ON. WAIT.
HE’S FUNNY. @SCRATCHDOCTOR CAN WE HAVE HIM. HE CLEARLY HAS MANY DESIRABLE TRAITS. INCLUDING RAGE. JOKES. LOUDNESS. AND VOLUNTEERING TO BE THE JANITOR. MY LEAST FAVORITE HANDMAID TASK. PLEASE. PLEASE. HE CAN BE ON CHEW TOY TIER. WITH @ARQUIUSPRITE. ONEGAI.
WITH THE ANGEL OF DOUBLE DEATH AS MY WITNESS. YOU WILL BE THE ONE. IN THE MAIDLY MINISKIRT. BEFORE LONG. IF I HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT. YOUR FATE IS SEALED. PENDING WORK APPROVAL.
I'M OUTSIDE MY HIVE MOTHER FUCKING PUNCHING MY HEAD AGAINST THE WALL I GOT PURPLE EVERYWHERE THIS SHIT CANNOT BE REAL.
sHiIiIt. I MeAn, I KnOw iT'S DeFiNiTeLy a *No,* aNd fRaNkLy, I'M NoT ToO SuRe i'm tRyNa bReAk mY PrOmIsE 'n sHiT ReGaRdInG InVoLvEmEnT'N AlLaT, bUt lIkE... iF YoU NeEd a mOtHeR FuCkIn' EaR, i gUeSs? YoU NeEd a lIl' FeElInGs jAm sEsH, mY MaNs? :o/
SHE LEFT ME AND SHE MOTHER FUCKING TOLD EVERYONE I KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BEEN THERE. BROTHER.
Chittr, should I join the Felt? I think they pay well. Also, my friends Rankmaid and Caliborn are there. Hfffff.
#NONHOSTILEWORKPLACE #EMPLOYEROFCHOICE #GREATBENEFITS #LODGING #MEDICAL #DENTAL #BEHAVIORALHEALTH #REVIVALS #TELEPORTATION #APPLYNOW #WORKPOSTING
HACKED. MY SHIT IS HACKED. I WOULD NOT FUCKING SAY THAT.
wa1t... 1s that why that wh1te guy followed me? 😨 bro 1 a1n't gett1ng caught up 1n any more tr1angles, trust...
He....followed you... too..? (O . o ❀) I was....curious....as to why...they followed me...(u . u ❀)
you too?? yo, that's hella scary... 1s he just l1ke... Follow1ng l1terally everyone?? 😶
(\ /) it appears so. i advise to try to keep your distance from him and his consecutive 'others'.
oh okay, cool... qu1ck quest1on, what about my boy @tac1turnTerror and my g1rl damz @handMa1d? theyre both cool, r1ght? l1ke, 1 don't wanna just drop them all a sudden, haha...
:o) Do not be concerned, Rufibro :o) Repeat after me. All is well. You are safe.
All 1s well. 1 am safe.
:o) See? ;o) Doesn't that feel good?
yes... 1t feels good, s1r...
:o) We can take this into DMs now.
ARE YOU FUCKING JOKING.
im a terrible person wwith a nil quantity a redeemable traits im nevver gonna change i can only plummet dowwnwward at an unprecedented record breakin rate im the biggest flop the fattest jobbie in societys unflushed porta potty its nevver gonna get better huh #imisshim
HAVE YOU TRIED EXACTING MASSIVELY DISPROPORTIONATE. LIFE RUINING REVENGE. THAT ALWAYS MAKES ME FEEL BETTER. WHEN I AM SUCCUMBING TO THE URGE. TO POST LIKE A TEEN GIRL.
HTTPS://I.IBB.CO/B2GWCP2X/IMAGE.PNG HOW ELSE WOULD YOU DESCRIBE. THIS REVOLTING DISPLAY. OF YOUR BARE. THROBBING. COLLAPSING AND EXPANDING. BLADDER BASED. VASCULAR SYSTEM. AND ALL THE JUVENILE FEELINGS. OF YEARNING. SELF LOATHING. AND QUADTHIRST. SPILLING OUT. WITH EVERY PUMP. STAND UP. MY LOATHSOME VIOLET TYRANT PRINCE. YOU ARE EMBARRASSING THE ALPHAS. I TOLD THEM YOU WERE ONE OF US.
Tale as old as time ✨ https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/ac64b8b8b4b0.png
THAT'S FIA. MY FRIEND FIA.
Tell your friend Fia they need to value themselves a little bit more.
I'M A LITTLE BUSY. GETTING GANGBANGED TO DEATH. BY HER HAREM OF SUMMONS. BUT AS SOON AS I GET DONE. EXACTING MY BRUTAL REVENGE. AGAINST ALL OF THESE HOPELESSLY DEVOTED EMPLOYEES. I WILL BE SURE TO INFORM THEIR MANAGER. THAT YOU DON'T APPROVE. OF HER WHOLE DEAL. #ELDENRING #NSFW #KILLING #VIOLENCE #NSFWE
HTTPS://I.IBB.CO/DFYM6SD7/IMAGE.PNG WHAT I'M LEARNING FROM THIS EXPERIENCE. IS THAT YOU ALL REALLY LIKE THE #WORKPOSTING. AND I SHOULD DO IT MORE.
ALWAYS GOOD TO SEE A GUTTEЯRBLOOD GAVO_E DOI_G SOMETHI_G WITH THEIЯR MEA_I_GLESS LIFE. :oX
HOLD ON. I HAVE TO LOOK SOMETHING UP. EDIT: POINTS FOR INVENTING A NEW SLUR. I ALWAYS LIKE TO SEE. CREATIVE #HEMOISM. YOU HAVE THE FLEETING AND FICKLE BENEDICTION OF THE DEMONESS. FOR NOW. HEE HEE. HAA HAA.
HTTPS://I.IBB.CO/BVYMTDVW/IMAGE.PNG IT'S PERHAPS A LITTLE EARLY FOR LUSUSDAY PART TWO. BUT IT'S NEVER A BAD TIME FOR #WORKPOSTING. BEHOLD THE MOST FEARSOME. TERRIFYING. DEADLY. TWISTED. #OPPRESSIVE. #EVIL. SADISTIC. VIOLENT. CUNNING. LYING. CHEATING. BETRAYING. SOULLESS. #ABUSE IVE. WICKED. MONSTER EVER TO SET FOOT ON ALTERNIA. ISN'T SHE DARLING. BELIEVE IT OR NOT. THAT'S ME. AND THE HORRORS I AM CAPABLE OF. ARE MAYBE. UP TO FIFTY PERCENT DUE TO. THE FLAWLESS. UNIMPEACHABLE. SOLITARY CONFINEMENT BASED REARING. OF THE ARCHITECT OF ARMAGEDDON. THE CEO OF CAUSALITY. THE FAUST WITH THE MAUST. MY #BOSSMAN. @SCRATCHDOCTOR
YOU HAVE THE DUBIOUS HONOR. OF BEING THE LEAST BAD. @SCRATCHDOCTOR PRINT THAT OUT. AND PUT IT ON THE DOOR OF THE STUDY. WITH YOUR FUCK ASS FAR SIDE COMICS.
I, of course, know the purpose of the bovine equipment.
B// < boooooo clock out
THAT'S WHY YOU'RE THE #GOAT.
LISTEN. STUPID. IF YOU HAD A CHOICE. BETWEEN GOING INSTANTLY. IN A PUFF OF MIST. AND GETTING CHEWED APART. BY STARVING RATS. IF YOU WERE SMART. YOU'D TAKE THE MIST EVERY TIME. THAT IS THE POSITION I'M IN. WITH ALL THESE GODDAMN WARRING KYUBALLS. AND BECAUSE I'M SMART. AND FRANKLY. UNLUCKY ENOUGH TO BE STUCK IN HIS TIMELINE. I'M NOT ABOUT TO PICK THE LOSING SIDE. SO DON'T COME AT ME. FROM YOUR HIGH HORSE. FOR TAKING A JOB AT THE MAGICAL GIRL FACTORY. UNLESS YOU'RE READY. TO TAKE THE HEAT. OF THE GREEN SUN.
Good evening, Chittr.ing. I believe it is time that I address the public once more. Due to an unfortunate abundance of pale imitations, fragmented mannerisms, lacquered affectations, and counterfeit narrators cluttering the premises, I have decided that the growing porcelain mannequin community is becoming a bit gauche. I have decided to clarify the situation as it stands. I am Doc Scratch. I am not the Curator, nor a mantled successor. I am not a woman in white attempting to weaponize diction as a substitute for inevitability. I am not someone so derivative in wearing my cadence that she must cope with her failures by attaining a Ring. I am not the Lalonde facsimile rattling about the halls. I am not someone who has mistaken proximity to authorship for ascension itself. You cannot become me through mimicry any more than a human becomes a cathedral by swallowing a hymnal. I have observed all of your attempts to become me. I have observed all of your attempts to surpass me. Naturally, they were fascinating. As though a taxidermy piece had been caught in precisely the correct candlelight to resemble life. Your gestures are practiced. Your vocabulary is ornamental. The smugness is commendably authentic. However, there is a difference between your imitations and my legitimacy. When you speak, you perform. When I speak, history rearranges the furniture to fit my narrative. Now then, onto the more exciting matter. This is my return to form. You may interpret this however you please. Publicly, of course, many of you will feign annoyance, or even ignorance. Many of you will insist this is another bit. Others will manufacture charts explaining why this development is problematic for Chittr.ing, as though inevitability itself were a customer service issue. Despite your inbound complaints, denunciations, and repeated attempts to separate me from the narrative, you continue orbiting the same gravitational center. Curious. Curiouser still, it is almost as though you understood the truth long before you were willing to articulate it. I was never absent. You all have merely been distracted. From the gala to the masquerade, every public schism, every vague revelation, every piece of dramaticism was merely a carefully rehearsed emotional collapse performed before a digital audience hungry for spectacle. Every desperate attempt to occupy the role of architect when you were always meant to remain participants. I was there. You mistook visibility for authorship in languages I myself coined so that you might pretend to sit atop foundations I long since abandoned. An understandable error. After all, puppets rarely see the hand.
YOU TRICKY OLD BASTARD. YOU'RE GOING TO GET A #WORKPOST OUT OF ME. WITHOUT LIFTING A SINGLE PUPPETY FINGER.
IT'S CUEBALL DIVORCE COURT IN THIS FUCKING HOUSE. I DON'T RESPECT. LITERALLY ANY OF YOU PEOPLE.
g0od time tw0 make moves while they're circlejerking
MAKING #MONEYMOVES. FROM ONE CORNER OF MY PRISON CELL. TO THE OTHER. TRULY. YOUR WISDOM KNOWS NO BOUNDS.