Dirk Strider
@timaeusTestified
If you got any business sending me business inquiries, you know where to put 'em. Direct other bullshit elsewhere.
Is that...? It sure is. @caligulaAscendit @timaeusTestified#0414 @centaursTurmoil. #Fincel vs. #TheWhiteMonster. You'll never guess how this match ends. See more unscripted content like the #BoysNight #LiveStream on #PlushRump. Subscribers only.
Don't forget to document what happened directly after this was taken.
I wvould like to wvish a late happy "prideful perigee" to the sodomites. Continue to livwe your life of sin. Be unapologetic in wvho you lowve, and do not let yourself be controlled by another. [[OOC NOTE: I THE MUN DO NOT SUPPORT HIS WVORD USAGE. HAPPY PRIDE MONTH TO ALL <333]]
We call them ██████s now, pops. EDIT: So much for free speech. I can literally say it. #TransitiveProperty. @timaeusTestified#0414.
You sure can. Whether or not you need to is another matter.
it cant everrrrrr be a fukken hi with this guy i swear to god
Hi.
Wow. Fuck. Need a breakfast burrito.
The yoke of greatness is weightless when you're built to wear it like I am.
This platform's user base has me so dadgum paranoid that I just stopped dead in my tracks with my finger hovering over the "send" button on a PERFECTLY innocuous post concerning my new pedicure. On second thought. You don't need to see that. <:| #Perverts #Freaks And other various #SexualMiscreants
ain't no need for me to be mad. I DONE ALREADY SEEN EM ;)
GET OUT OF MY VENTS.
honk honk. BUT YOU JUST DONE SPRAYED YOUR PERFUME ON YOUR BAD SELF LIKE AN ALLEY CAT SPRITZING THE COBBLESTONES SO HOW IS A MOTHER FUCKER SUPPOSED TO ALL UP AND IGNORE THAT NICE SMELL? what is that? THAT HUMAN BITCH GIVENCHY?
YOU KNOW I DON'T BUY SCENT OFF THE RACK YOU STUPID SOCKHUFFING CRETIN GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!
i mother fucking resent that. I DIDN'T HUFF YOUR DAMN SOCKS. i just chewed them a little.
I wasn't aware that you filed for temporary leave from Dirk Strider's Dick Fight Dojo Island. You know what happens to bros caught past curfew.
oh fuck bro. NAH I'M GONNA MAKE IT BACK BY CURFEW TRUST. aw shit bro. NOT THE DOUBLE BRO NELSON.
You, me, and one Dirkbot for every minute you're late. Be ready to ride this train.
I HAVE SET MY BANNER TO THE STATUESQUE VISAGE OF NONE OTHER THAN BING CROSBY, A GENTLEMAN AND SCHOLAR FROM A BYGONE WORLD. UNFORTUNATELY, I CANNOT FIGURE OUT HOW TO SHOW HIM IN FULL, AND @TIMAEUSTESTIFIED#0414 HAS ALREADY GONE HOME. I WILL FIX THIS LATER.
I'll get my assistant on it.
Happy Father's Day! :B I am fortunate to have been raised by a man of such esteem that it occasionally appears he was downright MADE to be a dad! (Though I suspect this must be mere coincidence, and a symptom of how effortlessly he has taken on the mantle of responsibility. Hmmmm.) It warms my heart to recount the numerous ways in which I witnessed my father try to curry my favor by way of relatability, all the while relegating his own true cornball passions to the back burner. His attempts to reach my stubborn teenage ego burst forth from his poor gentle heart, not at all unlike the spring-snakes at the bottom of a tube of fake peanut brittle. #girldad As an aspirational future parent myself, I can only hope to achieve a fraction of this success. If I'm half as good a mom as he was a dad, my own children will be at least half as great as their mother. :B And really, at a certain point we must set a reasonable threshold of expectation. What was I saying? Oh, yes. Happy Father's Day, Dad. You are a pillar of masculinity and you starch a button-down like you were born in the back of a dry cleaner. In my circle, it is a doggone novelty to even have a parent simultaneously living and respectable enough to maintain regular contact. That being said, I've added a new rotation to your security detail. Don't forget to check in with my office scheduler for your next routine healing. @timaeusTestified#0414 Can you coordinate his next appointment. He's looking a little pruned, lately. Love you, Dad!
In addition to the one scheduled for July third?
That works.
Forwarded: "LOVE YOU, PUMPKIN."
I have been beseeched to inform you that, like any other night, should your evening arrangements not run too long, you're welcome to join him. For tonight specifically, you're welcome to join the two of us for dinner at El Celler de Can Roca.
꧁hffff happy fathers day @technicallyTimaeus꧂
BTW, this should explain every expense marked 'Child Support,' @timaeusTestified#0414. Also, my bastard child proves once and for all that I am more virile than you. Tough break.
They should be more properly filed under "Dependent Expenses," or at the very least "Employee Salary." Given that they are both an adult and employed under you, and therefor me. You can have your little expenditures, but get your t's and i's crossed and dotted right. Lord.
I guess you can have your own post, too. When else can one celebrate the piece of shit who brought them into the world and immediately regretted it. Happy Father's Day, @timaeusTestified#0414.
You're your own creator, non-nuts. The overlap between myself and anything resembling a father vis a vis your creation is zilch.
Calling you psycho the way that you're desperate, Scribbling proclamations like an illiterate text-wit. Shit was clipped out of context? Bitch, quit grasping at straws, She won't step on your face, but I'll enforce some laws. You think she's your purpose, your sole reason for life? You're just a cog in the system, perpetual victim of strife. Weeping bodily fluids like they're bars in the sand, While we're out here running empires you can't comprehend. Mirror mirror on the wall, who’s the saddest of all? A total non-entity tryna play ball. Read, reread the garbage you vent in and out of the feed, See you’re a footnote in history for anyone's heed. Sucker for attention, can't think beyond your erection, All for a friend of a friend, no preestablished connection. You're kicking it solo, forever a clone, An absolute nobody wasting time on his phone. Dave's playing fuckin' ball? You do got that legacy, But the way your shit's twisted is downright fuckin' heresy. Get my knob off your mind, drop the text that you signed, You’re swinging out of your league and getting aligned. Quoting anime at me? Let's check back into reality, Your fragile mentality can't face my brutality. Your game is already dead, no head, no crown, Just a supplementary Strider acting like a clown.
also can u call me btw
Anytime.
♡♡|ALL DIRKS ARE REAL DIRKS! #DIRKRIGHTS!|♡♡
Patently untrue.
@timaeusTestified#0414 Quick poke? Have you any time on your schedule for a poor beleaguered executive looking to enjoy her weekend? 🧠
I'm sure I could squeeze some time in my packed weekend schedule for my favorite patient. Wingstop and The Office in an hour?
tbh i was born in the wrong generation #trufax
#TruthMeteor
GOOD. LORD. Heavens above, I haven't checked on my father in weeks. ... @timaeusTestified#0414 How is my father?
Still alive and well. His ambassador status has been re-verified after a bit of a diplomatic snafu regarding the troll capital's mayor and a fake cake hand. She thought it was a wanton solicitation in front of her kismesis. He'll be getting dinner with them after handing out supplies at his non-profit's essential shaving bank.
He just texted me that he's started hand-rolling his own iconic Cuban cigars. He'll be passing those out at the bank as well.
DO NOT PERMIT HIM TO DO THIS. THEY WILL EXPLODE. ... Oh, what the heck. Let him have his fun. :B
"I WOULD NEVER MISS A DINNER WITH MY PRECIOUS PUMPKIN, EVEN IF I AM CURRENTLY FINDING THE PRACTICE OF ROLLING THESE DELIGHTFUL LEAVES OF DRIED TOBACCO QUITE MEDITATIVE. I STARTED ON ONE THIS MORNING AND BEFORE I KNEW IT, IT WAS LUNCH AND I HAD SEVENTEEN."
"I HAVE TAKEN GREAT CARE TO SEPARATE AND DISTINGUISH WHICH OF THEM ARE RIGGED TO EXPLODE. DO NOT WORRY."