Felt Rump Fondler
@transcendedTherian
Narration rights currently under review.
Average Chittr user: #nsfw
CHITTR REMINDS ME OF THAT ONE BO BURNHAM SONG. I EVEN THINK ONE OF THE ROSES ON HERE MADE A CHITTR PARODY OF IT
For Halloween you could all go as "Sexy Chitterians". Costume's dead simple; a shower, decent clothing, and mouthwash. Partner optional though it really sells the look.
dont know whether to laugh or feel generally afraid because why arent people showering
Wouldn't know about it broski. You can smell it from the screen most days.
Let's talk about subs. Or rather, let's talk about the strawman fallacy of sexual identity because god forbid anyone just enjoy a single fucking thing without erecting a whole personality shrine to it. You've decided that kneeling on a rug for twenty minutes constitutes a dedicated ontology, like the guy in the gimp suit and a flogger discovered a pillar of the human condition. He didn't. He found a hobby. You found a hobby. Congratulations, you've discovered that leisure activities exist, a fact the universe will continue to be spectacularly indifferent to. "But Dirk", I hear you cry around your PetSmart patented chew toy, "kinks are there to allow exploration of the body and mind, to be free of the shackles of modern society, to shed the ego and touch something primal and honest that capitalism stole from us at birth." You get your nipples clamped for ninety seconds and suddenly you need a full post-scene debrief with the emotional production values of a director's commentary track. Bonus features. Deleted scenes. A whole featurette on "the making of my subspace." Nobody asked for the Criterion edition of your feelings. You did a bit. A fun little bit in a warm room with snacks nearby, and where the only ever real threat was if you shat the bed calling a guy twice your age "daddy". Giving up control is only impressive if you had any to begin with. You were always gonna outsource your executive dysfunction. The collar just gave it a font. #nsfw #nsfwe #bdsm #fetish #kink
Looks like someones got a case of the post-nut grumpies (๑>•̀๑) #suggestive
▲actually no i have more to say, I've had at least two people say thanks for fixing their mental health when all i did was verbally abuse them in back alleys and use them to put out my preferred addictive substance on em▼ ▲but like that's not therapy, yeah you feel better for now but there's a reason i have repeat visitors▼
If I am, as claimed by some cosmic cue balls and their bs bushido , curated, then the plushophilia was never organic, but propagated through whatever bullshit passes for hereditary substrate once causality stops being linear. Which means the predisposition isn't mine alone. It's baked into the source code somewhere upstream of all of you too. Dormant. Waiting. You just haven't been prompted yet. #nsfw #nsfw #plushophilia
Jarred and pumped for his pleasure. #nsfw
Mixed messages from the lil' heiress. Does my courtship dance not please thee? #vaguepost
[Script start:In my reseārch I leārned y⁰u need m⁰re c⁰l⁰rs ....'pizzāhz' spārkly things‽ . . . 0r ₩hāt ₩ās f⁰r āviāns....:script terminated]
Pretty sure the only color she's interested in seeing is the fat pasty asses of consumerist doughboys.
The burger gag stays on. #nsfw
I guess its Chittr's suicide watch hours. So much for good content. #cw-suicide
Shall i then postpone your 4pm guillotine appointment?
Hm. Only because, based of course on my 5 second attention span limit for scrolling through anyone's feed, your life appears to be genuinely tragic. I's give you a medal but only one Dirk can be granted moderation powers at any given time.
Ignore that old sourpuss. He found a thinning spot on his head and now hes got his silly little brasil miku panties in a twist. Its such #eyeroll behaviour.
Shoutout to whoever's writing this timeline, love the choice to make Judgment Day a browser cache screenshot instead of a mushroom cloud, super efficient use of a budget, five stars.
I don't think anyone ever said the judgement was gonna be Biblical. The judgement of ones peers is more than sufficient
Forgetting something? Or maybe some ONE???? *dramatic violin sting!*
And hell is other people, yes, yes I'm familiar with the general ideology.
#horse
I WISH I COULD TROT AND GALLOP WITH MY PONY.
"Goth night" and it's just a Tuesday for people who discovered eyeliner in the last calendar year. Congrats on the fishnets. Truly revolutionary, please tell me more about the one Bauhaus song you know.
Learning quick on this site that anything can be erotic if there's enough things wrong with you. #suggestive
And there can always 8e m0re things wr0ng with y0u, it's imp0rtant t0 expand y0ur p0rtf0li0
No, you're not "puppyboy" or "catgirl". You're 27 and unemployed. Get a job.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣠⣤⣶⣶⣶⣶⣶⣤⣄⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣠⣴⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣶⣄⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⣠⣴⣴⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣮⣵⣄⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⢾⣻⣿⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⢿⣿⣿⡀⠀ ⠀⠸⣽⣻⠃⣿⡿⠋⣉⠛⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣏⡟⠉⡉⢻⣿⡌⣿⣳⡥⠀ ⠀⢜⣳⡟⢸⣿⣷⣄⣠⣴⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣧⣤⣠⣼⣿⣇⢸⢧⢣⠀ ⠀⠨⢳⠇⣸⣿⣿⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠿⠿⠿⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠀⡟⢆⠀ ⠀⠀⠈⠀⣾⣿⣿⣼⣿⣿⣿⣿⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣽⣿⣿⠐⠈⠀⠀ ⠀⢀⣀⣼⣷⣭⣛⣯⡝⠿⢿⣛⣋⣤⣤⣀⣉⣛⣻⡿⢟⣵⣟⣯⣶⣿⣄⡀⠀ ⣴⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⣶⣶⣶⣾⣶⣶⣴⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⢿⣿⣿⣧ ⣿⣿⣿⠿⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠿⠿⣿⡿
Well, I've thought about it, but I thought I should let some other dirk say it for me.
So relevant to the plot viewership will drop like flies off poisoned shit if you kill me off.
Says the fella whose self insert is larve-stage balding andrew tate but whatever fingers your goat (˶˃𐃷˂˶)
Putting ice in orange juice is a war crime. You drink that shit straight from the teat the way mankind intended, no cubes, no dilution, no cowardice. Our ancestors did not crawl out of the primordial ooze, invent agriculture, split the atom, and put a man on the moon just so you could water down a citrus beverage like some kind of pussy bitch. I don't make the rules I just enforce it personally, one Tropicana carton at a time.
Golly babe darling light of my spectral non-existence 𝐌𝐲 𝐄𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠. I want you to know i am 100000% in your corner on this citrus crusade. That said gosh isnt it just downright SPIFFING that a beverage temperature preference has become like a whole personality arc for you? Most fellows collect stamps or take up fencing but you decided to declare holy war on ice cubes. Capital use of your time brometheus truly inspiring *\ (>o<) /*
Living rent free in my head does not grant free reign to be a little shit about my hydration choices. I got your eviction notice right here on my desk. Just waiting be signed, sealed and delivered.
Mm sure eviction notice im positively shivering in my daisy dukes right now. Ill pencil it in right after you actually follow through on something which is *checks notes* NEVER. Anypoodles we both know your head would prooooooobs roll right off your head again if i actually left so ill just go ahead and keep rearranging your sword collection by colour okay byeeeee ╭─╮ |. .| | 3| ༄♡ └───┘
Speaking of dogs — a fascinating but frankly overrated evolutionary case study, no shade to my resident tenant — I feel obligated, as someone with a functioning prefrontal cortex, to correct the historical record on equine superiority. A thread. Buckle up. This is educational content now. Equus ferus caballus possesses a stay apparatus, a passive ligament-and-tendon locking mechanism in the limbs that permits standing rest with near-zero muscular expenditure, meaning the modern horse achieves thermoregulatory and metabolic efficiency your average terrestrial predator can only dream about. Canis familiaris, by comparison, is running on comparatively primitive quadrupedal architecture. Furthermore — and I cannot stress this enough — horses possess near-panoramic monocular vision, upwards of 350 degrees, owing to laterally placed orbits, which is a peripheral awareness system objectively superior to literally every domesticated mammal currently competing for your affection. You are glazing an organism with a blind spot roughly the size of its own nose and calling it "loyal." Fascinating. Anyway. Let's also discuss VO2 max, because someone has to. The equine cardiovascular system, in tandem with a proportionally massive spleen functioning as an on-demand erythrocyte reservoir, allows for a mid-exertion hematocrit surge unmatched outside of elite endurance mammals. And as you ponder the mythicality of God's finest creation, this is peer-reviewed physiology. I'm sorry your dog cannot autotransfuse itself mid-sprint but that is simply the material reality of the situation. And before anyone in the replies tries the 'but horses aren't even loyal like dogs' angle, allow me to intervene, because that argument is embarrassingly under-researched, and clearly so was birth control in the era you were conceived. Equine social bonding is documented extensively in the ethological literature as a phenomenon involving individual recognition, separation distress vocalizations, and measurable cortisol spikes when a bonded human or herd-mate is removed from proximity. Therefore, a horse that has bonded with you will identify you by gait, voice, and olfactory signature at range, and will, empirically, choose proximity to you over a herd of its own conspecifics in controlled trials. That is a loyalty that survived a cost-benefit analysis against its own evolutionary imperative to stay with the herd for predator defense, and still picked you. So functionally what I'm saying is: a dog is loyal because ten thousand years of selective breeding optimized it to be loyal, practically at gunpoint, evolutionarily speaking. A horse is loyal despite being a prey animal whose every instinct screams "the herd is survival," and it looked at that instinct, ran a full risk assessment, and said "no, actually, I choose you specifically." Ergo; the horse is vastly superior to the dog for all the reasons above. Also, they look insanely fucking cool. #horse
okay but bromeo did you seriously just cite EQUINE HEMATOCRIT SURGES in a chitt about why horses are better than dogs? Like babe sensei. Thats unhinged in the most sugoi way possible my tinker cannot even handle it rn ✨ 10/10 nerd behavior S tier passion no notes ꉂ(˵˃ ᗜ ˂˵)
Uh huh. Glad that your image search of "horse spleens" is helping you appreciate the evolutional mastery executed by horses.
So my narrative rights are apparently 'under review' by whatever unpaid intern currently holds editorial God-tier status over my continuity. Guess that means I'm just a free agent now, a shitty little consciousness rattling around with nowhere canonical to be. No arc, no stakes. Just me, several swords I'm contractually barred from using in a Scene, and an ungodly amount of time to kill.
Honeybro your narrative rights getting reviewed is like... the most tragic thing ive ever heard and i say that as a guy whos currently a GHOST LIVING IN YOUR SKULL LOL But hey. Silver lining. More time for moi!! Its like... wowzers. Truly #blessed to be your only remaining form of entertainment. No pressure or anything dude 💚💚💚