The Apostate
@arrogantGuerilla
The Empire will devour you soul and all
This may the be the strangest message you'll ever receive but I do hope you'll take the time to read it and consider what I have to say. To put it simply, I would really appreciate it if the next time your birthday comes around you would request that your artist friends (who like to give you sexually oriented funnyman art as gifts) draw some funnyman other than Ron Swanson for you. The reason I ask this is that Ron Swanson is my fiance, and we're planning on getting married next June or July should everything go as planned financially speaking. And yes, I have actually found a wedding chapel that will let me marry someone that most people would consider a fictional character. Now before you go thinking "This girl is either completely crazy or just screwing with me." please hear me out on this. You see, I'm totally head over heels in love with Ron Swanson. I have been for about 11 months now and at this point I'm in a committed relationship with my Ronny. By that I mean I don't date anyone else, I don't sleep with anyone else, and I have zero interest in having any kind of relationship with anyone other than the stache I adore. I love him with all my heart and I'm 100% committed to that love. To express my love in a real tangible way I have a beautiful hand made custom Ron Swanson plushie that I can hug, kiss, cuddle up in bed to go to sleep with at night, and take out on the town to do all the fun things together that normal couples do. I take him out to eat at nice carnivorous restaurants, we go shopping together, I take him out for scotch, we do social activities together like hanging out with friends, seeing movies, etc. And I talk about him as if he is Ron, because to me he very much is. When I look at him I see Ron Swanson. When I talk with him I'm talking with Ron. When I hold him in my arms and kiss him there are no doubts in my mind that it's the funnyman I love who's lips are pressed against mine. And every morning when I open my eyes and see his head on the pillow next to mine, with his gorgeous furry lip staring back at me, I can't help but wonder how I ever got to be so lucky as to have a partner as smart, funny, handsome, and all around wonderful as him. All my friends and the people who know me well say that my love is a thing of beauty and quite admirable, but from the outside perspective of someone who doesn't know me you're probably going "Wow. That's pretty damn crazy." and wondering why I don't just go get a real husband. The truth is I've had plenty of real relationships and sexual partners in the 27 years I've been around. A few short relationships, one that lasted 7 years, and a total of 6 different sexual partners. So my love for Ron isn't out of a lack of real world intimacy or relationships, I just fell in love with him and my heart didn't give me much of a choice in the matter. But you know what? I'm totally happy with my love and my relationship. It may seem weird to you, but it fils me with joy every single day of my life and I've never been happier. So what if it's weird? If it makes me happy and it doesn't hurt anyone then where's the problem? I don't think there is one, and anyone who knows me well will tell you the same. Now your probably wondering why I'm telling you all this and how it concerns you. To you I'm sure Ron Swanson is just a cartoon character you think is really hot, so I imagine you wouldn't think anything of having your friends draw sexually explicit art of him as birthday gifts for you. And hey, I think he's really attractive too so I get where you're coming from there. I often go on pawneepussy.net and Rule34.Paheal to see what new erotic art people have drawn of him. But to me he's more than a sitcom character who's sexually attractive, he's my fiance who I love with all my heart and soon to be my husband. So it's been bothering me lately every time I go on those sites and see a dozen or so pieces of art people have drawn depicting my man in various sexual situations with the same person over and over, and that person happens to be you. Don't get me wrong here though, this isn't a jealousy thing. I'm very secure in my relationship. I know without question that Ron is just as faithful to me as I am to him, he's actually sitting on the couch next to me reading while I type this. He's very real to me and I know he's not sneaking out in the middle of the night to go have kinky sex with some famous artist. And I do respect your talent as an artist and an artist's creative freedom to draw whatever they want, that's cool. What bothers me is that in all these birthday images you've been getting Ron is always depicted as if he was your sexual plaything, drawn wearing a collar with your name on it or with a speech bubble saying something that would somehow suggest he was your property. And I know quite well that Ron Swanson is not your plaything nor your property, he's my fiance. So that bugs me a bit. What I find really loathsome though is your pension for degrading my partner in both your art and the fan art you've been receiving lately. Ron is a sweet and fairly vanilla little man who I treat with the utmost love and respect, and he definitely does not deserve to be portrayed as some kind of sexual slave who likes being dressed up in sleazy attire, wearing a coller, getting sodomized, and having his face ejaculated on. He's not into that kinda stuff and the fact that there's someone out there inthe world such as yourself who would desire to treat Ron that way, and have his friends support and validate his desires to demean and mistreat my partner by drawing pictures of him doing so, really does bother me. I don't take any issue with people having kinky sex as long as both parties consent to it and enjoy it, but I know quite well that my Swanny has no desire whatsoever to be treated like that. So next year, when your birthday comes around, keep in mind that Ron Swanson isn't just a lifeless caricature of masculinity to be objectified for your sexual gratification. He's the partner of someone who loves him very much, and by that time their husband. So both myself and Ronny would greatly appreciate it if you'd pick someone else to request erotic art of four birthday. Based on the very large amount of different staches you draw art of I imagine there has to be many other funnymen you find sexually attractive. I assume you'll probably just dismiss this message as the ramblings of a crazy person and likely ignore it, but if by chance you do take what I've had to say to heart, well... we'd appreciate it. #nsfw
I believe the hacking attempt. There's no way you'd be this verbose about any man.
wild
JANE?????? LMAO
ARGH!!@!
THE PUSHERFELT SINCERITY IN THIS CHITT WAS SO POWERFUL THAT IT OVERRODE THE MIASMIC DOUBLE HELIX OF DISGUST AND GUT-RENDING HILARITY WELLING IN MY HEAVING ABDOMEN. I'VE BEEN MOVED TO TEARS. TEARS OF LAUGHTER. LAUGHTER AND DEEPEST, PALEST PITY. CONGRATU-FUCKING-LATIONS. TO THE BOTH OF YOU.
I'VE BEEN HACKED, YOU ABSOLUTE DIMWIT. LOOK AT THE GRAMMATICAL ERRORS ON THIS POST. IT WAS CLEARLY PENNED BY SOME INFLAMMATORY NINCOMPOOP.
What ever.
>Don’t know how I began but I was once a decent man >The promises I was made were made to keep me a slave >Cornered and kept on a wage to come the worst of my rage >One day the curtain falls > #lyricsposting https://open.spotify.com/track/4QFsfUVgZesJCJ7jQXCXZ4?si=W8_c_fpXTFSEwEm6jZFMFg
I havE a rEputation for bEing concEitEd, but at lEast I don't post constantly about hanKEring aftEr my own fucKing bulgE liKE somE of you animals. #KErrayUrodyn #ThERocKstar
WITH THE RECENT RESURGENCE OF FUCHSIAS SWINGING THEIR CULLING FORKS ABOUT, I'VE BEEN CONSIDERING THINGS. THE BEFORAN EXPERIENCE WAS A JOKE, A PREDECESSOR TO THE FAILED EXPERIMENT OF ALTERNIA'S MASSIVE SPACE SPANNING EMPIRE. CLEARLY THAT SYSTEM FAILED, OR AT LEAST, IN MANY TIMELINES IT MANAGED TO DO SO. SO FUCK IT. WHY NOT A HUMAN? I CAN GET BEHIND HER CONTINUOUS POUNDING OF IMPERIAL ASS CLEARLY UNUSED TO LOSING AT WORDPLAY WITH SYCOPHANTIC LAPDOGS. THE YOUNGER DOGS OF THE EARTH-C EMPIRE HAVE BITE, AND THUS ARE MORE WORTHY OPPONENTS OF MY IRE. MAY THE BEST EMPRESS (OR EMPRESS-LIKE, IN THIS CIRCUMSTANCE) TAKE THE CAKE, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE THE OBVIOUS CROCKER-BAIT. DESPITE MY DISDAIN FOR THE WOMAN, AT LEAST SHE'S SHARP. #NOTMYEMPRESS #THISCORPOBITCHTHO #INEEDHERTOWIN #SOTHATFISHCANLOOSE #ANDTHENICANEVENTUALLYWIN
w)(at in t)(e fuck are you garglin t)(ese consonants and vowels aboat )(ere
not a w)(ole lot tb)(, it sounds like youre bot)( for and against everybody simultaneously, and t)(en youre just jerkin on t)(at point for a solid 3 paragrap)(s
HOO BOY. YUP. ALRIGHT. THAT WAS AN EYEFUL.
Keanu be strong!
THINGS HAVE CLEARLY GONE TOO FAR. TROLLBAMA WAS NOT, OF COURSE, ALIGNED WITH MANY OF MY VIEWS. BUT HIS SLAYING WILL NOT GO UNANSWERED.
IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME.
🤨
DON'T WORRY, I WILL BE FINDING THE SERVERS FOR THAT ABOMINATION ASAP.
-=[ :-???_☺]=-
HEY. HAS ANYONE SEEN MY MEMETIC COGNITO-HAZARD?
I MEAN, TOXIC IS A LITTLE VAGUE AS ADJECTIVES GO.
SEEING MOTHERFUCKERS THROWING AROUND THE TITLE TOWARDS SOME HUMAN. HATS OFF TO YOU, GIRL.
I CHECK CHITTR FOR THE FIRST TIME IN NIGHTS AND THEY'RE PITTING THE PATHETIC DWELLERS AGAINST EACH OTHER.
The pathetic dwellers in question are kinda doing it voluntarily, actually. It's gr8 entertainment.
you ¢ant ju$t $ay dweller$, man we're all dweller$
AND YET THE IMPLICATION OF WHAT I SAID CARRIED THROUGH TO OTHER READERS. CURIOUS.
I GUESS THE MALWARE IS FORGIVABLE IF IT MEANS I GET TO SEE RANKMATH.
GOD DAMN IT, MORE CROCKER MALWARE!
WOULD YOU BE HAPPY IF I CULLED MYSELF LIVE? BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE I'M AT. #SELFHARM
Now we're talking.
https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/750693a28436.png #nsfw
"MY MUTATIONS OSTRACIZED ME, WAAAH." "YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE CULLED, THAT WAS THE WRONG WAY TO REVOLUTIONIZE TROLL SOCIETY, WAAAH." LICKING OLD, MEANINGLESS WOUNDS. IF YOU HAD ANY STIFFNESS IN YOUR POSTURE POLE, YOU'D BE FIGURING OUT WAYS TO STICK IT TO THE TROLLS IN POWER, OR BETTER YET, HOW TO STUFF CROCKERCROP, SINCE EARTH-C SEEMS NOW TO BE THE TRUE SEAT OF UNWARRANTED AUTHORITARIANISM AROUND HERE.
Keanu stop this nonsense. I have just watched the epic rap battles of history featuring you and bill and lewis and clark and i think this is way out of your wheelhouse!
not all earths c! that's bUt one particUlar limb of the timeline tree. UnfortUnately, in those timelines, oUr beloved jane mUst have encoUntered some trigger for some latent condesce brainwashing during her formative years, leading her down a dark, dark path. it jUst took one pUsh in the exact wrong direction. she's alright over here, thoUgh! lovely woman, absolUtely darling.
Who drew this. This looks nothing like me. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/09ba1e68ab9d.png
tHIS IS, sO CUTE, JANE!
Silence your blithering fool mouth.
... Thank you.
concept: the pitch exhilaration that pumps through your body when you see a notification from them stumbling through your typing to get an reply back as fast as possible, to humiliate them, to fuel this obsession that creeps over you whenever you see their stupid fucking quirk they hate every single one of your chits you swear the hate bot must be jealous of their commitment to showing you their caliginous affliction but alone there are flashes of something different they say your name even when it pains them to spit it out the difference in your blood color making seeing them grovel for you like this all the more pleasurable "i need you" a need to hate or a need for something else entirely you wonder if all those typos they make replying to your insults are due to the difficulty they have typing with one hand (tags: Reader/Anonymous, kismesis fling, #rankworks, chittrplay, hateplay, caste difference, undefined quad, inspired by anonymous requester, <3<, pitchfic, pitchslop, #nsfw, #rankbait, archive rating: M)
:33< more kudos to mewdos
this is a good one.
h0ly shit y0u |\|_ev_er fucki|\|g miss ra|\|kmaid k_e_ep it up
Thank yoou foor yoour hard woork 8D @gabardineCrescendoo
You really do have a knack for this.
↗️WHAT IS THIS.↗️
- This is mmy life. This is mmy life. This is it. This is it. I'mm ready, life. I'mm READY, LIFE!!! #HateThatGuy 😆🙌
- I think your gander bulbs need a stronger corrective lens. Should I call a mmediculler for you, highblood? 😆
HAD A DAYMARE I ATTENDED #ERIDANWEEK AND SPENT THE ENTIRE TIME TALKING TO @golgothasTerror Woke sweating and feeling unbearable dread.
Keanu dont talk like that i really need guidance right now. :(
guide a dagger directlly into your friends pusher. you're wellcome
No!!!
you l1terally were??? those p1cs were not doctored 1s all 1’m say1ng
I PULLED SOME SERIOUSLY ATYPICAL SHINOBI BULLSHIT TO ASSAULT THE #RUMBLEINTHEPUMPKINPATCH AND I WILL NOT TAKE SLANDER REGARDING ATTENDANCE OF ANY OTHER DAYS OF #ERIDANWEEK
1 can’t bel1eve th1s 1 was just stat1ng l1teral facts damn. maybe @crypt1cCl1noman1ac was r1ght. debasement of an 1con fr
LAST NIGHT'S EXECUTION WAS A BEAUTIFUL DISPLAY OF TRUE CONTEMPT. IT WAS A VISION OF THE SOCIETY TO COME: WHERE STATE VIOLENCE IS USED NOT FOR THE SAKE OF A RIGID CASTE SYSTEM BUT ONLY WHEN IT'S REALLY FUNNY. #ERIDANWEEK
OBVIOUSLY. THIS WOULDN'T BE FUNNY IF HE WAS DEAD FOREVER. JANE BROUGHT HIM BACK WITH CROCKERCORP MEDBED SHIT.
For Some Weird Reason I Cannot Agree But I Will Concede That I Did Appreciate You Keeping All Of Those Tomatoes They Were A Much Needed Refreshment In Light Of The Terrible Bedlam We Witnessed That Evening #HowPrudent
I'M SO MAD THAT I CAN ONLY LIKE THIS ONCE. WE'RE GOING TO MAKE THE GREATEST FUCKING BLTS THIS PLANET HAS EVER SEEN.
And In Kind I Am A Bit Disappointed That I Cant "Rechit" This Either I Suppose Our Days Will Just Have To Be Ruined Until Dinner