♦ pitied by @cathexisGyromancer
There is absolutely no chance of that happening, now. Specifically because you said this.
yes actually youre not gonna believe this but humans totally make entire fucking careers out of being funny im dead serious man we have funny competitions were people will try to out funny each other on stage and the funniest people go on to make millions and become revered historical figures for everyone to look up to and aspire towards not gonna comment on the masochist portion i mean you might be right you might be wrong but if im being funny im winning here
and i know what youre thinking man youre going dave arent you god tiered cant you just fly up there and grab it and the answer is yes i can and i probably should have and yet the instinct was to get the drawers maybe my sense of balance is off after so much time just spent hovering the fuck around like some guy that doesnt respect the laws of gravity i should probably consider investing time into fixing that but instead im gonna puncture this box of apple juice i found under the cabinets and not think about it
0H 0K4Y 15 7H47 4 L07 C4N Y0U 4L55K 0N3 0F 7H3M 70 M4K3 M3 4 54NDW1CH 1'M HUNGRHY 4ND 1 D0N'7 KN0W H0W 70 C00K
that was the joke. yes. 𖣂 but i do. 𖣂 it's circumstantial.
|--[ i hAve Been here fOr A lOng time. just inActive until recently. But i will sAy it is Odd But nice tO see mOre medicullers here. ]-->
i made myself laugh and thats all i care about :)
oN MoThEr fUcKiNg dIvIdEnD, tHe hEaVeNlY OrDeR Of nEw kLoWnS AiN'T JuSt oNe cHuRcH. eVeRy cOrNeR, yOu sEe a sTeEpLe. EvErY SpIrItUaL CeReMoNy, YoU SeE A PaInTeD SoN Of mInE OfFiCiAtInG. eVeRy bUsInEsS ThAt mAkEs aNyThInG BiGgEr tHaN $30 MiLlIoN CaEgArS In a fIsCaL SwEeP GoTtA HaVe a cLoWgYtRoLl wOrKiNg tR. iT'S A NeCeSsArY AnD BeAuTiFuL ThInG Of mOtHeR FuCkInG LiFe tO AlWaYs hAvE A BrOtHeR YoU CaN CoNfIdE In, CoNfEsS AlL YoUr rAgE To aNd fInD SoMe sWeEt oLd aBsOlUtIoN. oUr nEt wOrTh iS PrObAbLy sOmEwHeRe aRoUnD $40 BiLlIoN CaEgArS AlL AcRoSs tHe sEvEn cOnTiNeNtS. tHaT'S HoW BiG OuR LoVe hAs sPrEaD. wE PaInT OuR FaCeS AnD We dAnCe fOr tHe dArK CaRnIvAl, BuT In HONK ThErE AiN'T No aNgElS Of dOuBlE DeAtH Or tWiN MeSsIaHs. ThErE ArE TwElVe sAiNtS. tHe sAiNt oF TiMe, ThE SaInT Of bReAtH, tHe sAiNt oF DoOm, ThE SaInT Of bLoOd, ThE SaInT Of hEaRt, ThE SaInT Of mInD, tHe sAiNt oF SpAcE, tHe sAiNt oF LiGhT, tHe sAiNt oF VoId, ThE SaInT Of rAgE, tHe sAiNt oF HoPe aNd tHe sAiNt oF LiFe. gOdS ShOuLd bE GoDs. AnD MoRtAlS ShOuLd bE MoRtAlS. iTs sImPlE ShIt, My sTuDeNtS. :o)
lEtS SeE If sHe eVeN MoThEr fUcKiNg pIcKs uP ThE PhOnE ThIs tImE. HONK HONK. YoU KnOw hOw sHe gEtS WhEn sHe's aLl mOtHeR FuCkInG In a mOoD.
sHoW Up aNd sHoW OfF MoThEr fUcKeRs. MaKe sOmEtHiNg oF YoUrSeLvEs.
mY NaMe iS GaMzEe mAkArA. i sUrE As aLl wIcKeD HeLl's sUnRiSeS Am nOt tHe oNlY OnE. bUt i aM ThE OnLy gAmZeE To dO It lIkE Me. I'M 23 mOtHeR FuCkInG SwEePs oLd aNd i hAvEn't sToPpEd gRoWiNg sInCe sO MaYbE In aNoThEr 23 I'Ll bE TaLl eNoUgH To tOuCh tHe hEaVeNs aNd bRiNg tHeM DoWn hErE To kNeEl bEfOrE Me aNd tHe cOuNcIl. My bRoThErS AnD SiStErS. i aM ThE RaGe eMpErOr. I'M OnE MoSt hOlY AnD BoDaCiOuS VeSsEl fOr aLl tHe wOrLd's rAgE AnD SpIrIt, SeRvInG ThE PeOpLe oF DiViDeNd lIkE A FaItHfUl mOtHeR FuCkInG LeAdEr aLoNgSiDe mY OtHeR 11 cHuCkLeFuCkS. i aM A PhIlOsOpHeR, a kNoWeR, a rElIgIoUs lEaDeR AnD A FoRmAl mOtHeR FuCkInG HeAd oF A DoZeN HONK cHaRiTiEs aNd rEsOuRcE AlLoCaTiOn nOn-pRoFiTs. YoU MaY Be aSkInG YoUrSeLf wHy. BeCaUsE We wOn. YoU MaY Be aSkInG YoUrSeLf wHy, If yOu aRe aNoThEr oNe oF Us tHaT MoThEr fUcKiNg wOn, YoU AiN'T RuLiNg. I'M AfRaId i cAn't aCcOuNt fOr iMmAtUrItY, tImE To gRoW Up aNd sTeP Up bItCh :o) i aM ThE HeAd pOpE Of tHe hEaVeNlY OrDeR Of nEw kLoWnS. mY OrGaNiZaTiOn, HONK, Is tHe mOtHeR FuCkInG PeRfEcTiOn aNd pRoPaGaTiOn oF EvErYtHiNg yOu sUbJuGgUlAtOr oLd-wOrLd bItChEs cOuLdN'T HaNdLe. WeReN'T StRoNg eNoUgH To dO. dO NoT Be mAd aT YoUrSeLvEs, FoR ThAt iS My jOb. Do nOt bE DeSpOnDeNt aNd wEeP LiKe aLl yOuR MoThEr fUcKiNg wRiGgLeR SeLvEs, YoU DiDn't kNoW AnY BeTtEr. We dO, aNd tHaT'S WhY We oN ToP. gImMe sOmE SkIn iF YoU'Re sTiLl rEaDiNg tHiS ;o) HONK iS ThE UlTiMaTe lOvE-BoRn gRuB Of fAiTh aNd rEaLiTy, A WiCkEd aNd iNtErTwInEd dEsTiNy tHaT EvErYoNe iS A PaRt oF EvEn iF ThEy dOn't kNoW It yEt. SiGn uP NoW AnD AtTeNd oUr e-mAsSeS, wHiCh aRe gOnNa sTaRt hApPeNiNg sOoN So aLl yOu mIsGuIdEd sHeEp cAn fInD YoUr tRuE PuRpOsE. nO OnE Is eXcLuDeD, eVeRyOnE Is aLlOwEd. AiN'T No mOrE HeMoIsM Or cAsTeIsM, nO BaRrInG AnY TrOlL SoUl fRoM EnTrY EvEn iF YoU'Ve gOt pInK MoThEr fUcKiNg eYeS Or nEoN BlOoD Or tHrEe hOrNs. YoU GoT A HoMe wItH Us aNd tWeLvE NeW MeSsIaHs. I'M OnE Of tHeM. iF YoU WaNnA KnOw mOrE, lEaVe a cOmMeNt uNdEr tHiS PoSt aNd i mAy jUsT MaKe a mOtHeR FuCkInG MeGa dOcTrInE FoR My bRoThErS AnD SiStErS To eNlIgHtEn tHeIr bAd sElVeS. :o) rAgE EmPeRoR LoVeS YoU. rAgE EmPeRoR FeElS YoUr pAiN AnD AnGeR FoR YoU. gEt tHeM WaLlEtS OuT AnD SuBsCrIbE To HONK TiN LeVeL MeMbErShIp tO GeT YoUr vErY OwN HoLy vEsTmEnTs dElIvErEd rIgHt tO YoUr dOoRsTeP. tRaNs-tImElInE MaIlInG SeRvIcEs aRe uNdErWaY ThAnKs tO ThE DoOm eMpErOr's mOsT GrAcIoUs tEcHnOlOgIcAl sKiLlZ.
oH AnD As aN AsIdE, sInCe iT AiN'T AlL So hIgH AnD MiGhTy oN ThE WhItE-HoT LeVeL Of iMpOrTaNcE As mY HoLy wOrK SaViNg sOuLs, I RuN A Tv sHoW ToO. i'm tHe hOsT WiTh tHe mOsT At cArOuSeL Of fOrTuNe, PlAyInG TwO TiMeS A WeEk eVeRy wEeK. mOtHeR FuCkInG TuNe iN To sEe oNe lUcKy tRoLl gEt tHe cHaNcE To wIn a mOtHeR FuCkInG MiLlIoN CaEgArS, sPoNsOrShIp fRoM HONK fOr tHeIr sTaRtUp bUsInEsSeS, eTeRnAl fAmE AnD FoRtUnE AnD EvEn a cHaNcE To gEt cAnOnIzEd iN OuR MuRaL HaLlS. oR WaTcH ThEm fAlL FaCe fIrSt iNtO A MoThEr fUcKiNg pIe tIn. It's gOoD, cLeAn, SlAuGhTeRhOuSe fUn fOr tHe wHoLe hIvE.
i aM NoThInG BuT A ToOl! A ToOl fOr mY BrOtHeR AnD My pEoPlE To uSe tO UnLoCk tHeM StIcKy sAcChArInE GaTeS Of sAlVaTiOn :o) HONK HONK. UsE Me aNd bUiLd tHe wOrLd yOu wAnNa sEe.
tHeRe wIlL AlWaYs bE DeNiErS AnD NaYsAyErS Of tHe tRuTh. In tHaT DeNiAl, We sImPlY SeE SoMe eNvIoUs mOtHeR FuCkErS WhO WiSh tHeY UsEd tHeIr wIn lIkE We dId :o) bOc iS HeRe tO StAy bItChEs. WoRd tO ThE BlOoD EmPeRoR AnD AlL HaIl.
gUeSs i sHoUlD MaKe oNe oF ThEm pInNeD PoStS, hUh? ThErE'S OtHeR Me's oN HeRe. I WoUlDn't wAnNa gEt cOnFuSeD FoR SoMe rIfF RaFf sCrAtChInG HiS AsS In tHe fEeD :o) YoU AlL ShOuLd kNoW WhO YoU'Re rEaLlY TaLkInG To.
i bEeN HeArInG A LoT AbOuT ThE WiCkEd fLoCkS OvEr hErE ThAt mY BlOoD BrO HaS BeEn cOmMuNiNg wItH. aPpArEnTlY AlL Of yOu aLl cOmE FrOm aN AlTeRnIa tHaT StIlL ExIsTs. EvEn mOrE ApPaReNtLy, SoMe oF YoU AlL ArE PiNk sKiNnEd lItTlE AlIeNs tHaT KnOw aBoUt tHe gAmE. a mOtHeR FuCkEr iS WiCkEd iNtErEsTeD In sInKiNg hIs pRoVeRbIaL SiCk nAsTy fAnGs iNtO ThE JuGuLaR Of tHiS FrIeNdShIp bEaSt aNd bAtHiNg iN ThE WaRm gLoW Of gReEtInGs. HoNk hOnK.
wElL GoOd mOtHeR FuCkInG LiGhT To aLl mY FrEaKy, FrEe, HiGh-sPiRiTeD SoUlS In tHiS DaMn wEbSiTe. LuSuS Is hOmE. hE CoMeS BeArInG SmIlEs. :o)
our meaning? whatever you say, your highness. hehehe.
you sounded interesting to talk to! i’m jade. nice to meet you!
hiii!!
XDD< *ac wh33zes in laughter at cg*
BELIEVE ME, I'M NOT PROUD OF THAT.
In my younger years, I often wondered what cabal of heiresses pockmarked the long line of Alternian un-succession prior to the fall of the empire. Now, thanks to Chittr, I have the misfortune of witnessing entire flocks of the future fallen firsthand. I see not every young fuchsia rises to meet the demands of their mantle. Don't get me wrong. I'm sure it must have seemed an impossible task. ... But come ON!! Some of you do not even seem to be trying! It becomes a matter of how dignified your attempts look to the public in the final throes and rattles! Have a little pride in yourselves! So for their benefit alone, I am organizing what I consider the baseline characteristics requisite to the survival of a young Alternian heiress, in case no one ever told you. It feels like a big fat durr, but who knows! Perhaps you ALL belong to the invisible generations relegated to the Easy-Fork Coven. I'm sorry your genetic predecessor didn't give a hoot how you turned out. Even you prong-fodder ought to SEEM respectable. Coming soon.
YEEAAAHHHH
Men can't even lightly snark anymore without random Blood Emperors getting hackles raised. The state of things.
Earth and Alternian media have a lot in common, and a lot of differences. *Lord of the Rings* is a perfect example of this. See, on Alternia, we have *The Woeful and Bloodstained Chronicle of the Ninefold Rings of Dominion, Their Forging Beneath the Blackened Mountain, the Rise and Ruin of the Deathless Highblood Who Sought Mastery Over All Living Things, and the Miserable Lowbloods Who Were Entrusted With the Singular Task of Carrying His Ancient Artifacts Across an Entire Continent and Throwing It Into a Volcano Before Everybody Died*, and humans have *The Lord of the Rings*. The former is a media piece that forewarns the Subjugglators that it is not their place to claim power, try as they might, through any alternative means, for the Imperial Will of the People, both higher and lower, shall inevitably put them in their place. Sauron Quenya, or, as he would later become better known by his ancestral title, Darklord Ringking, was a purpleblood who believed himself to be the malevolent and divinely destined ruler of all lands, and eventually all seas. Naturally, this was considered an extremely serious ideological problem. The seas already had a ruler. Darklord Ringking's fatal mistake was not, strictly speaking, being evil. Alternian literature would be considerably shorter if being evil were sufficient grounds for narrative punishment. Nor was his error the accumulation of power, the building of armies, the construction of an enormous fortress, the breeding of horrible war beasts, the enslavement of weaker peoples, or even the creation of cursed jewelry for the express purpose of dominating the minds of political rivals. Most of these are recognizable, if somewhat dramatic, instruments of statecraft. His crime was jurisdictional. Purplebloods may terrorize, preach, indulge in theatrical violence, and comport themselves with all of the dignity expected of their caste. What a purpleblood may NOT do is look upward toward the sea castes and decide that the Holy Terror of the Land must destroy the Sovereign Authority over the Empire. Thus, the Ninefold Rings are not merely magical artifacts. They are a metaphor so obvious that Alternian schoolteachers have spent several hundred sweeps pretending it is subtle. Each ring represents an illegitimate method by which a lower caste might attempt to circumvent the natural order: wealth, military allegiance, sorcery, marriage, religious authority, personal charisma, blackmail, bureaucracy, and, in one particularly controversial academic interpretation, "being really good at speeches." Darklord Ringking gathers these instruments together and attempts to manufacture sovereignty rather than receive it through blood. As we all know, each of these rings grants him outright dominion over an assigned caste below him. This is why the One Ring is traditionally translated from the original Alternian as *The Singular Circlet of Pretentious Upward Mobility and Total Mental Subjugation*. The irony, of course, is that nearly everybody who opposes him spends the entire story violating the Hemospectrum in progressively more spectacular ways. The principal bearer of the Ring is not a decorated officer, a highblood legislacerator, or even an especially competent midblood. He is a diminutive rustblood agricultural worker named Phrodo Bagins, whose primary qualifications are that he owns a nice house, enjoys eating several times a day, and possesses a great deal of tolerance for responsibility. His moirail, sometimes vacillating if you ask me, is Samwyz Gamgee, a bronzeblood with a great deal of honor about him, namely loyalty. He spends much of the Chronicle doing much the same work as an Alternian groundskeeper. The traditional Imperial interpretation holds that the lowblood protagonists are not heroes because they deserve authority. They are heroes because they understand that they do not possess it. Phrodo never declares himself Emperor. Samwyz never establishes a new Gamgee Dynasty. They are both lowbloods whom the Empire has deemed humble and eternally servile, ultimately, to the Empress. Neither attempts to leverage their possession of the artifact against the Empress, either. Loyal subjects as they are, they do not even attempt to fight the highblood above them. They only do exactly as the Empress tells them without stepping, directly, on Sauron's precious digits. This is, ultimately, where the Alternian and Human versions diverge most severely. The Human *Lord of the Rings* is concerned with the proposition that Good may triumph over Evil even when Evil appears overwhelmingly stronger. Sauron possesses armies, fortresses, ancient sorcery, political influence, monstrous servants, and an artifact capable of enslaving the wills of others. The people ultimately responsible for his destruction possess almost none of these things. Frodo and Sam are physically unimpressive, politically irrelevant, inexperienced in warfare, and wholly beneath the notice of the powers reshaping their world. Their importance comes precisely from this apparent insignificance. They are allowed to carry the fate of Middle-earth because Tolkien's moral universe does not determine worth through strength. The Alternian Chronicle considers this premise basically backwards. Darklord Ringking does not fall because the weak possess some hidden moral superiority over the strong. He falls because he fundamentally misunderstands what strength is. Sauron Quenya is enormously powerful. That much is never disputed. He conquers territory. He bends lesser wills beneath his own. He commands armies large enough to darken entire horizons. He forges artifacts capable of transforming rulers into extensions of himself. In practically every respect by which an Alternian measures individual capability, he is magnificent. And this is exactly why he must die. For the message of the Alternian story is not that power is wicked. Power is self-evidently virtuous. The Empire is built upon it. The mistake is believing that possessing more power than those immediately surrounding you means that you have reached the top. The Darklord dies because he mistook his might for being the most right. There is still a war. There is still a Fellowship. There are still hobbits dragging the One Ring across the continent while increasingly improbable numbers of people attempt to kill them. Their journey remains important, but its meaning is altered. The hobbits are not the final agents of Sauron's destruction. They are evidence. By enduring everything Ringking throws at them, these miserable little lowbloods demonstrate that his dominion is incomplete. Every day Phrodo continues walking is another day in which the self-proclaimed ruler of all creation fails to exercise authority over one insignificant person. That humiliation is what ultimately draws Imperial attention. And so, when the Darklord finally stands at the height of his power, when his armies have surrounded the remaining free kingdoms and his great Eye stretches across the heavens, the sky opens. The Condesce arrives. There is no intricate duel. There is no desperate struggle in which the victor is uncertain. There is barely a battle. The Empress descends upon Barad-dûr and kills Sauron Quenya. Immediately. The point is that it is instantaneous. Humans out there will complain that allowing an overwhelmingly powerful ruler to appear at the conclusion and personally annihilate the villain eliminates the tension that came before it. Alternians tend to find that criticism baffling. The tension was never whether the Empress could defeat Sauron. Of course she could. It's more about when his inevitable upward trajectory would hit the glass ceiling and crumble like the rest of us. The final confrontation therefore becomes the ultimate expression of the Alternian doctrine of Might Makes Right. Sauron claims sovereignty because he is stronger than everyone he has encountered. The Empress demonstrates the deficiency of land-based might by encountering him. She does not openly offer a philosophical rebuttal. She is simply a bigger fish. This fundamentally changes the position and purpose of the lowbloods, or hobbits. In the Human story, the hobbits demonstrate that moral worth is independent of social status or martial power. They are important because goodness can reside in the smallest person, and because compassion and mercy accomplish what armies cannot. In Alternian media, they are admirable because they remain in their place. They do what they are told. This is an enormous virtue. Thus, Human children come away from *The Lord of the Rings* understanding that even the smallest person can change the course of history. Alternian wigglers come away from *The Woeful and Bloodstained Chronicle* understanding something slightly different: You may be the strongest troll in the room. You may even be the strongest troll in a thousand rooms. But before declaring yourself ruler of creation, it is advisable to determine whether the Empress is in the building. But that's all propaganda. @carbolicGalvanologist
NO BECAUSE IT LITERALLY FUCKING IS THAT SERIOUS.
tell me something i don'T know
Sure thing. I guess.
Oh trust me, I know all about it.
hwhoaaa that part suonds so coool ur cool but scarry
Oh, alright.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I WON’T SPOIL IT FOR YOU.
okay, mister emperor.
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