𝗷𝗼𝗵𝗻 𝗲𝗴𝗯𝗲𝗿𝘁.
@eB
hey. :B
#datme sometimes the candids r rlly cute but they did catxh @eB in his socks n sandals https://images.squidge.org/images/2026/05/18/candid.png
just want to let it be known. you may hear allegations about me. very serious ones. all i've gotta say is... my bitch too thick. my steak too juicy. my lobster too buttery. and i'm not sorry about any of it. :B
wow me, i think that might have been the most inspiring thing that i have ever heard!
i knew something like this would've happened. don't you guys see?? we're giving INTO the worst possible energies around us right now! that's how that bald, green jit's allowed to have people THANK him for doing literally nothing at all! all 'cus he's siding with the perverts!!! STOP JERKING OFF!!!!!! #nsfw
you cant jerk off if you haVe a burger in one hand... and a drink of your choice in the other... and that's beautiful... cool... 😎
i just know your chinflaps clap each time you nod. not to dampen the sentiment! you're still right!! but, jesus dude.
#incelbert is back...
alright. it's decided. i'm going to start learning how to pull off the kaiō-ken. :B it just feels like it should be possible, y'know? yeah. it's definitely possible. i'll keep y'all updated. #goals #godstuff #healthyliving
felt the need to post this. >:B some of you are getting a little *too* comfortable with yourselves! dial it back a notch! a little self-critique never hurt anybody. don’t let the fuckstration win! get a grip on your life before you get a grip on some shmeat!! #nsfw
oh youre that egbert
What Are You? The " Schmeat Police "?
THAT egbert?? what kind of reputation am i starting to build for myself here!?
i might have to rise to the occasion! there’s some serious meat mishandling going on right now!!
I know this is 2 weeks late but fuck you don't tell me what to do
dash is looking pretty nice this morning! no arguments, barely anyone trying to get laid, just a lot of low-stakes chatter. it’s kinda refreshing. :B let me go ahead and disrupt that real quick. at some point, whenever enough people have grown a collective of sizeable pairs to make it relevant, we’re gonna need to have a serious dialogue about how striders, across the board, are some of the most prolific nacho reheaters in the history of people who make anything. #instigator
3833 < Roxy will just eat them cold sometimes, is that the alternative? > 38??
>> are they juડt ¡ncapab1e of eat¡ng the nachoડ wh¡1e they're ડt¡11 hot? Are they do¡ng that th¡ng ડome peop1e do w¡th co1d p¡zza a1ડo what ¡ડ the fun ¡n gett¡ng 1a¡d ¡f ¡t'ડ not a11 over the t¡me1¡ne ડmh
it’s not really about whether reheated nachos are good or bad, it’s the pattern of it. like… at some point you gotta ask why you’re still working the same tray instead of just making a fresh batch. also the nachos are definitely doing some heavy metaphor lifting there. more so talking about *actual* stuff they produce.
that's. fefeta i need you to let roxy know i’m deeply, profoundly disappointed in their nacho etiquette.
... in a way! sure! i think that's definitely a way to put it. probably. i'm not actually sure. let's just say you're on the right track, though. :B also! i don't know, dude! some people just want to read about the latest hit piece on troll obama! or spread misinformation on the internet! is getting your bulge wet really something anyone beyond you and whoever was involved needs to be kept in the loop about??
>> maybe 1o1 a1ડo ¡ m¡ડread that for a ડecond and ¡ thought you were ¡mp1y¡ng ડomebody waડ fuck¡ng Tro11bama on the t¡me1¡ne. ¡ d¡dn't rea11y queડt¡on ¡t, ¡ waડ juડt 1¡ke "okay, we11, good for h¡m?? ?”
this is what i mean! we’re getting way too gooner-brained as a society. this is a full-blown sexpocalypse!!!
>> ડmh th¡ડ ¡ડ juડt how ¡'ve a1wayડ been, what happened to 1ov¡ng ourડe1veડ for who we are
putting twenty boonbucks on one of these weirdos deciding the win condition for fight night is making out with their opponent until they tap out. one of you freaks is gonna try it! i can feel it! :B #fightnight #kinkshame #nsfw #probably
i think sex things is against the rules for fight night, from what i heard.
the ONE time i go out of my way to indulge in some freaky shit for personal gain, and suddenly everyone’s sworn an oath of honor! fuck, dude! this sucks.
i know dude. tonight it is purely about violence. i can not stomach it!
troll racism on my timeline, man. in the big, beautiful year of 2026? troll abraham lincoln didn't get quick-scoped for this! #coexist #bruhmoment #livelaughlove
> ack2hually he got po1nt blank 2hot by a p12tol 1n the back of the head on my altern1a <
seriously? that’s kinda wild. human john wilkes booth is basically known for hitting one of the most infamous clips on abe. man even hit a two-step on the way out. guess that’s one thing we’ve got over alternian history. :B
you are *not* about to start grokin' out in my comment section! this is about anti-racism, not robot supremacy! i LOVE flesh!
> yeah our guy had a lot le22 2tyle to 1t <
no clue what’s going on in the world right now, but i feel like i should let the dash know i’m currently demolishing a bag of gummy bears and they’re kinda hitting. anyway, yeah. someone can update me if they want! or don’t. i’m not sure i’m invested enough to care just yet. :B #vibes #casual #unemployment
god i luv not having a job
URGENT ANNOUNCEMENT!!! i need someone who can sort me out with a fishing rod, some bait, a wooden boat, and a copy of the old man and the sea. i’m about to head to some uninhabited island and kick off my new career as the official earth c-ian god of fishing.
OH. I COuLD SORT YOu OuT ALRIGHT.
ugh no! the only kind of fishing help i want from you is knocking one of those stupid molars out and using it as bait. beat it, bub!
THIS POST IS BAIT ENOuGH. WITHOuT THE DENTAL DAM DAMAGE. I HAVE COMPLETED EVERY FISHING MINIGAME EVER INVENTED. I WOuLD BE HAuLING LIVING FOSSILS INTO MY FLEET. OF OCEAN HARVESTING TERRAFORMERS. FAR FASTER THAN YOu COuLD EVER HOPE. TO PERFORM A LITTLE BIBLICAL MIRACLE. NECESSARY TO CATCH uP WITH ME. IN TERMS OF PISCINE PuRLOINING. YOu uPPITY LITTLE BITCH BOY.
https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/c18d22db47cb.png https://youtube.com/shorts/Aq3OQrPcVV4Y #eridanwweek #imcoming #bouncingonit #iwwantcandy
(( Holy shit yeah no kidding, could you imagine? 😭😭😭 ))
#iwantcandy #bouncingonit #cream? #creamteam? #creamonhim? #idontrememberthatone #eridanweek #imcoming
:33 < what an incredible spokespurrson!! :33 < #eridanw33k was full of laughter tears and dead people :33 < and the big lesson i have now learned is :33 < is ummm :33 < i guess ampurra is cool? sometimes? :33 < y :33 < yeahhh!! thanks spokespurrson! #icametothisvoice
#WECAME!!!!!!!!!
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Lik£, SO r£al.. #sph£r£soutforbruno
#weCAME
#ERIDANWEEK WAS A BEAUTIFUL DREAM. WE ALL THOROUGHLY ENJOYED YOUR HUMILIATION. PLEASE DO IT AGAIN SOON. #IMCOMING. #BOUNCINGONIT. #IWANTCANDY.
had some business to handle, so i’m down in florida for a bit! thinking i might swing by miami beach. the plan is to track down dj khaled and finally figure out where he’s hiding that endless stash of lobsters. :B i'm hungry, dude! #lobster
lobber
up at an unreasonably early hour just to announce i’ve scattered easter eggs across space and time, each one packed with zany little surprises and knickknacks. collect my #eggberts, and i’ll know who’s a real one … and who’s just a freaky frog. :B
Oh. Huh. Thats WHERE she got it at. .... Whats in this before we open it Egbert
while i know most of the people talking about their “types” are just hopping on the bandwagon to get their jimmies jostled, i like to think i’m bringing a slightly classier, more appropriate take to a whole dash-wide social trend. that being said. a tall girl with a huge ass. :B
https://media.tenor.com/tbQSXR4MGU0ΔΔΔΔe/aoi-todo.png
Very nuanced. I've heard Google is engraving you a plaque to commemorate you on being the first person with this view. #lighthearted
what was that about not being sexual any more earlier? (just teasing heheh.)
hmmmm. i am suspicious of that. i am looking at you with great suspicion...
y’know, time magazine just announced i’ve been voted “most likely to have the most opinions ever.” forget the plaque; i think it’s time we start commissioning a monument!
seems to me like i've gotta skedaddle. https://shorturl.at/I08N4
(also. regarding last tweet. yes.) (you can call me papa john.) ( :B )
ok papa hate tht actually srry every1
Eyeroll.
that was a *completely* serviceable line, and i'm tired of pretending it isn't!
you’re letting an absolutely hilarious bit fizzle out before it even hits its peak! you’ll have to live with that, my friend!
This bit sucks.
saw someone post about crust. for anyone who isn't in the know, papa john's got a deal for a bogo large 'za. :B it's pretty good! just ordered one.
why is every version of me on here a quirked up sex pervert!? this is SO not cash money! we egberts need to protect our brand! we can't be unassuming and lame if we get laid. #nsfw #notcool #ifidontgetanythenYOUdontgetany
booo lame take
Maybe you should get on their level.
this is NOT a lame take! it's actually a very BASED take, i'll have you know. i'm having my reputation smeared!
their level is on a whole different plane! i’m staying right where i’m at, in my own john egbert–specific tier. no sex, no weird innuendos! just bad movies and the occasional zinger!
I Agree Entirely. In Fact I Think There Should Be A Hashtag To Celebrate John's Who Don't " Get Any ". #incelbert
woah, woah! hold on! this is straight-up character assassination! i appreciate the finer, carnal things. it’s just, y’know… i’m not weird about it! absolutely not incel behavior! if anything, trimming it down to #celbert feels way more accurate. :B but honestly, i don’t even think i should be stuck with the suffix at all!
every dave on my chittr is a degenerate! which isn't even that far from the reality of it. still! grahhh!
we need to STOP jerking off! #nsfw #mentalhealth #healthyliving #lockthatcockup!!!
bro my cock it didnt even do anything #nsfw
Yes, John, lock it up.
B33 < lmeow what did I MISS B33 < i wasnt afk THAT long
tagging everyone who showed up to that #eridanweek thing. why are we backtracking on our morals like this!? freaky, heterosexuality-inducing, cringe-ass nae nae baby lollipops are *not* for consumption! they’re for dramatic, violet smashings over the misshapen skulls of green bald dudes! frankly, i'm depressed and ashamed. a curse upon your boners & lady boners. a curse!
precisely! specific, safe circUmstances, lUv. personally, i feel we may be a bit overcaUtioUs, bUt i Understand it made a poor first impression. ...and that i am, perhaps, biologically biased on the sUbject of sUgary sweets and saccharine celebrations. ~u~
point is! the #eridanweek celebrations were a terrible, terrible use case.
wwait this still wwasnt my idea but that is exactly wwhat the occasion wwas
i can at least respect the self-awareness. :B you guys know you fumbled it. and don’t get me wrong, it’s still gonna be hilarious to clown people over it! but next time, i’m cashing in one of my god-tier “one free demand” tickets and getting involved in the decision-making!
oi, wait a tick! i had nothing to do with this, thank yoU very mUch!!! >:U frankly, i woUld have warned against it, had i not blocked #eridanweek entirely.
why c0uldn't y0u have said this yesterday?
why did yoU take an Unfamiliar drUg withoUt knowing its effects? u~u i may be a mother, bUt i'm not yoUrs, sollUx!
t0uché.
maybe i’m just being paranoid, but this sudden, cryptic flood of mass-produced regret posts has me thinking i missed out on an incredibly funny day of collective embarrassment. someone catch me up! i need to know who to cyberbully. :B
During the 5th day of #eridanweek, despite many warnings, people proceeded to go when a trickster lolipop was around You can put in the pieces there
Its the truth They also signed a nda and saw no red flags to this