L🎱RD ENGLISH
@unhackabledottildeUath
△⚪🟣🟡🎱🔴🟡🟢🔵
I DO NOT LOVE MY BOYS. LOVE IS FOR FEEBLE HEARTED FUCKING WOMEN AND COMMUNISTS. OF WHICH I AM NEITHER. WHAT I FEEL FOR MY BOYS IS SOMETHING DEEPER. SOMETHING MORE PROFOUND. SOMETHING FAR MORE VALUABLE. SOMETHING THAT IS NOT TO BE ERRINGLY CONFUSED WITH AFFECTION, BECAUSE AFFECTION IS FAR TOO MOTHERFUCKING SHALLOW OF AN EQUIVOCATION. I VALUE MY BOYS. MY STEELHEARTED MEN. MY STALLIONS. MY THREE PIECE SUIT WEARING GOONS. THIS ONE GOES OUT TO YOU, MY FELT.
MAY YOUR STAY BE UNFORGETTABLE 🗝「It was already obvious I had my position, I do welcome the others who are coming onboard as I do as well. The transition has been smooth, complacent, welcoming. Like sugar in tea. To those who are still in the process of application, do know what you're signing up to. It is a changing experience, but one that's colorful and different from usual life. A toss-up in the wind, one could state. I personally was always going to be here one light, whether it was sooner or later it didn't matter. It happens all the same, and that's something one grows comfortable with knowing. Predestination can be soothing. While there may be no explicit joy in what I do, I do as I do for the pride of knowing I am doing well. To live is to serve. And to serve is to live. Every key on the ring is meaningful in it's own way no matter how one could see it. It is my hope that my time as the Doormaid will continue on. As there's no foreseeable future for me where I can see myself away from this position. Take that as you will, take that as you must. And to my fellow members / workers, please let me know if you need anything. I am at your service no matter where you are, no matter how far you are. Call my name, and I'll be there as quick as one like me can be. Thank you for the position. https://files.catbox.moe/x23jud.png」
Looks good on ya, kid.
Speaking as the former Bellboy, one day you will be free. I hope this is some form of consolation. May your time under their employ treat you well. o7
໑f fuckⓘng c໑urse ໑ne ໑f the last hⓘgh functⓘ໑nⓘng l໑wbl໑໑ds ໑n the platf໑rm w໑uld get c໑nscrⓘpted and braⓘnwashed by s໑me cue-headed freak
ATTENTION, WORTHLESS CHITTRLINGS. LONG TIME, NO CHITT. THERE HAVE BEEN SOME *AGGRAVATING* DEVELOPMENTS IN MY CAREER AS A PLATFORM USER, AS A CREATOR, AND ABOVE ALL, AS ONE OF THE UNLUCKY JACKOFFS STILL UNACCOUNTABLY FORCED TO EXIST IN A PLACE AND TIME WITHIN A MULTIVERSAL CONTINUITY OF ENDLESS, CACOPHONOUS FUCKRUMPUS PARADOX CHICANERY. BECAUSE I'VE BEEN BUSY TRYING AND FAILING TO WRIGGLE OUT OF THESE DEVELOPMENTS, I HAVEN'T REALLY BEEN AROUND TO PROVIDE AN UPDATE. I'M GOING TO DO THAT NOW. SO DON'T MAKE ME REPEAT MYSELF, BECAUSE I WON'T. I'LL JUST PULL UP THIS CHITT, SEIZE YOU VIOLENTLY BY THE HEAD, AND SHOVE YOUR BLOODSHOT GANDERBULBS AGAINST THE SCREEN UNTIL THE AMBIENT HEAT COOKS THEM LIKE EGGS. READ, SHITSPONGE. READ THIS AND GET OFF MY DORSAL RIDGE ABOUT IT, BECAUSE I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU THE WHOLE. FUCKING. SCOOP. STARTING WITH THE BIG ONE. I WORK FOR THE FELT, NOW. I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING. I CAN HEAR THE QUESTION AT THE VERY FRONT OF YOUR THOUGHTSPONGE DOING BACKFLIPS, FRONTFLIPS, CARTWHEELS, AND ACROBATIC FUCKING PIROUETTES. "KARKAT, WHAT KIND OF TURBO-CHARGED JUJU-FLAVORED CRACK HAVE YOU BEEN SMOKING TO DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT? DIDN'T YOU SPEND YOUR ENTIRE SESSION FIGHTING THIS JOLLY GREEN MANLET AND HIS BUMBLING CADRE OF BUMBLING ASS-BURGLARS? WHAT IN THE FRESH, FULMINATING *FUCK* MADE YOU SIGN A CONTRACT WITH *THESE* LOONEYBLOCK TIME BANDITS?" THE SHORT ANSWER? THE MIME MADE ME DO IT. LITERALLY. MY SPONGE STILL HURTS FROM WHERE HE SHOVED HIS PRONG IN IT LIKE A GLOVE AND MADE ME TYPE UP THAT APPLICATION. AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE PLAN IS HERE, BUT I'M WILLING TO BET *ANYTHING* THAT HE'S GOT ONE. SO YES. AGAINST MY WILL. AGAINST MY BETTER JUDGEMENT. AGAINST A THOUSAND ETERNITIES OF BALEFUL, ENDLESS SUFFERING, I HAVE A NEW NINE TO FIVE. AND WITH IT, A NEW TITLE. ONE WHICH I AM *OBLIGATED* TO USE IN OFFICIAL CAPACITY, BUT I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU CALL ME "CHALKBOX" WHILE I'M OFF THE CLOCK, I'M GOING TO INVENT A NEW WAY TO PERFORM A LOBOTOMY. FUCK YOU, KURLOZ. FUCK YOU, SCRATCH. AND MOST OF ALL, COMING IN HARD WITH THE FUCK YOU X3 COMBO, IT'S A WHOPPING FIVE-SCOOP, CHOCOLATE-DRIZZLED FUCK YOU SUNDAE FESTOONED WITH OBLONG BUNCHFRUIT, WHIPPED CREAM, SPRINKLES, AND A CHERRY-RED MIDDLE FINGER ON TOP FOR MR. MALDING GREEN MANLET HIMSELF. I'M WEARING THE BADGE OUT OF SPITE. I AM CLOCKING IN FOR THE LONGEST DAY AT THE LONG DAY FACTORY I HAVE EVER WORKED. AND IF I EVER MANAGE TO CLOCK OUT, THERE WILL BE *HELL* TO PAY. ANYWAYS. I HAVE TO GO MOP UP A NASTY, REEKING PUDDLE OF NON-NEWTONIAN ECTO-PHLEGM, OR SOMETHING. HERE'S A PICTURE FOR THE ALGORITHM. THIS IS THE CHALKBOX, SAYING, "GO BRING THAT PILE OF DIRTY CUPS AND PLATES IN YOUR RESPITEBLOCK TO THE SINK, YOU FILTHY, WALLOWING SLOBHOGS." HTTPS://CDN.IMGCHEST.COM/FILES/67CB4DD16DFF.JPG
SPEAK FOR YOURSELF. I’VE NEVER BEEN SORRY. AND I’M NOT STARTING NOW.
you look great wwith a tie i guess i wwas just expectin it to be more green @handMaid i thought scratch forced you poor devvils to be green
I WAS HOPING THEY WOULD PUT HIM IN THE MAIDLY MINISKIRT. #MISSEDOPPORTUNITY.
D--> This is e%tremely displeasing news if I was able to share my immunity to such nefarious mind controlling capabilities I would do so even if not especially if doing so would remove said immunity from my thinkpan....allowing the focus of...b100....and....highb100ds....to finally....attempt to dominate my mind....not that they would have much....success. D--> Musings aside if you need any support do not hesitate to ask. I am uncertain how far my parado%ical associatoin with Lord English goes in terms of its place on the Felt hierarchy...hopefully not....too low I mean...could you imagine me being beneath all those plush shoes....but I will stretch whatever capabilities I have to assist you even if it leaves me gaping from e%haustion. #nsfw #liteerallythatworkisnotsafe
Finally. Some competent help.
HHHHH. KUDOS.
D--> I am e%periencing quite the...confused conflu% of emotions over your....e%citement over my post.
so happy to have you as part of the team! 0u0 also i just finished giving @caliBorn his bath could you deep clean ablution block 42 theres a lot of blood
AND VERY LITTLE OF IT. IF ANY AT ALL. WAS MINE. IF RECOLLECTION SERVES. THERE SHOuLD BE A REALLY EFFICIENT FIFTEEN PERCENT PEROXIDE SOLuTION. SOMEWHERE IN ONE OF THE MILK CARTONS. IT SHOuLD BE LABELED. WITH A FROWNIE FACE. TO SuGGEST IT IS SPOILED. OR AT LEAST. WOuLD SPOIL THE INTERNAL CONTENTS. OF ANYONE FOOLISH ENOuGH TO DRINK IT. BE WARNED. IT IS NOT EDIBLE. IT IS ONLY FOR REMOVING THE ALL TOO COMMON BLOODSTAINS. THERE IS. HOWEVER. NO MEANS OF DISCERNING ONE FROM THE OTHER. WITHOuT THE SNIFF TEST. AND SINCE WE DO NOT uSE THAT FRIDGE FOR ANYTHING. BuT HARBORING CHEMICALS. FAILING THAT. THERE IS ALSO THE VERY MINISCuLE. TASTE TEST. IF YOu DID NOT DIE. YOu HAVE NOT FOuND IT YET. GOOD LuCK.
1 KNOW 1 H4V3N'T B33N ONL1N3 MUCH R3C3NTLY BUT FUCK. PL34S3 B3 OK4Y
I am your ever transparent Host. To be precise and accurate with my current tier of employ, gaze upon my roster of newly hired individuals. @gullibleColumnist as the Doormaid. In this highly specialized role, the Doormaid will be in charge of the Keys to my manor and penthouse. @pliableDecadence#3682 as the Cuekeeper. You will find Serpaz's unique talents lend greatly to the maintenance of the various machinations assigned to her existence. @carbolicGalvanologist as the Chalkbox. As the Felt's Custodial Utilitarian, Karkat currently presides under direct command of the Handmaid during his trial period. A strong recommendation from Kurloz Makara has landed him this position. @terribleFate as the Nameless. Caliborn recruited this individual, whose many services are free to any member of English's Chosen upon request. Of course, there are many more to be considered, as this does not include my various contractors, free agents, double agents, triple agents, or those who simply enjoy the presence of the Felt in their operations. I have roughly twenty three more applicants to file through tonight. I will be doing so whilst enjoying the sweet chords of my Songbird, whose handle shall remain hidden until she decides it is time for her grand debut.
DO I SOUND LIKE I'M WORRYING? I DON'T WORRY. WORRYING IS FOR THE FUCKHONKING BIRDS, AND I HATE BIRDS. REST ON YOUR LAURELS HERE SCRATCH, WE'RE LIKE THE APPLE-WALMART-NAMEBRAND OF TIME TRAVELING MAFIAS. THE TICKET'S ALREADY PUNCHED. THE .ATH FILE'S ALREADY GOING TO HAVE HAD BEEN RAN WHEN IT'S RUN WHEN THE TIME FOR IT TO HAVE HAD ALREADY BEEN RAN ARRIVES. MY FELT. HIS FELT. THE FELT. WHATEVER. I'LL BE IN THE FUMOIR WITH A DAMARA WATCHING MY SOAPS.
…AH. AH, OH DEAR. YOU SPECIFICALLY BEING ALIVE AGAIN IS ACTUALLY QUITE THE PROBLEM, I MUST SAY. HM.
When I am able to take a moment to don my smoking jacket, perhaps I shall join you in one iteration of self or another.
You likely should not, given your relationships to certain agents, and spliced carapacians. Simply, it would not be a 'good look' to father dearest.
Next time you make a post about your fault can I be included? Not as an employee, just, y'know. And Casper. My felt and Casper. If it's not too much trouble.
wont let ya down boss!!!! (|:D
MY FELT. AMONG US. NOW. KAFBMF.
WHO THE HELL IS THIS FUCKER?
🙏🙏🙏🙏💚💚✨✨
9️⃣ ➡️📄🤗🦎🖍️ https://forms.gle/5bjtuxCkvKi1roJK9 https://file.garden/adx3jxdfCBC6Cm8E/ask%20casey/image_2026-05-19_194640227.png https://file.garden/adx3jxdfCBC6Cm8E/ask%20casey/Untitled309_20260519194504.png
TOP OF THE LIST. AS IT HONKFUCKING SHOULD BE.
🙂↕️🙂↕️🙂↕️🤗🤗🤗🤗💚💚💚💚💛💛
JUST WATCHED BUGONIA. PRETTY SOLID.
minnow. i give a lotta s)(it to my boss. but for all t)(e s)(it i give )(im... )(e is t)(e only one i know to populate a bunc)( a doomed copies of all of you in one place for me to slaug)(ter over, and over, and over, and over... you really know t)(e way to a girls )(eart after all @un)(ackabledottildeUat)( I am goin to be busy t)(e rest of t)(e nig)(t.
Ooooooooh. You might love FLARPlanet if you're ever free. ::::) No hard feelings from me, personally. 8ut, everyone there is 8asically infinite fodder circle jerking it to the narrative I 8uilt. 8esides, you get to attempt to kill some non-doomed copies there while you're at it. Hehehehe.
youre in crowd of doomed copies im killin
w)(at t)(e )(ell is a flarplanet it fuckin sounds like fart planet
okay no i am genuinely curious on w)(at t)(e )(ell flarplanet is, elaborate
Oh, it's 8asically my reward planet. Gathered a 8unch of winners to help me manage it and they play in it. ::::) Sand8ox Planet where we're given tasks to complete, trolls to cull, victory is assured 8y gathering points from these o8jectives. Although I haven't lost in the last 64 FLARP Leagues, I've decided to 8e nice and end my streak at 8x8. No 8ars held. If you can cull someone so 8ad they are gone then they are gone, 8ut we try not to completely erase fools from the timeline. ::::) If you're in, I can invite you for the upcoming events.
t)(at is... ...temptin. very temptin. ill t)(ink about it.
If you've never been stuck in a timeloop doing something mundane like laundry so every 15 seconds youre just back pouring detergent in the washer for probably close to a week I envy you. In other words I need a drink. #substance
IT SURE IS NICE HAVING GOONS WHICH YOU KNOW YOU CAN HAVE HAD ALREADY RELIED ON IN THE FUTURE TO HAVE HAD PREVIOUSLY CLOSED FUTURE STABLE TIME LOOPS AND PREVENT PRIOR AFOREMENTIONED FUTURE STABLE TIME LOOPS FROM DESTABILIZING.
yea)(, totally. u)(, totally did t)(at. t)(ey call me t)(e stabilizer.
OF COURSE YOU ALREADY DID TOMORROW. WE DID JUST TALK ABOUT IT TODAY, AFTER ALL.
yep. s)(ore did. s)(ore u)(... talked about it. t)(at i did do t)(at, btw. w)(ic)( i did.
QUITE, I FUCKING GUESS, MY LITTLE CONDESCENSION. THIS CONVERSATION IS STARTING TO FEEL LIKE A TIME LOOP.
MY FELT. HAVE ANY OF YOU SEEN MY GOOD BOWLER? NOT THE ONE I'M WEARING RIGHT NOW, THE ONE THAT I'M GOING TO BE WEARING IN TWENTY MINUTES.
Uhhh, no boss, I ain't. Lemme look around.
Sincerely It Is A Bowler Hat How Good Could It Possibly Be
CROWBAR, JUST THE LEPRECHAUN I WANTED TO SEE. LAST I CHECKED THE BOWLER WAS CAUGHT IN AN UNSTABLE TIME LOOP BECAUSE EGGS AND BISCUIT HAVEN'T BEEN KEEPING THEIR FUCKMOTHERING HANDS TO THEMSELVES. I'M WELL AWARE THAT THE LOOP WOULD HAVE ORDINARILY RESOLVED ITSELF, BUT AGAIN, I WILL BE WEARING AFOREMENTIONED BOWLER IN TWENTY MINUTES. DEAL WITH THIS.
I ain't gettin' nowhere near that, boss. I know how they get when they do their bullshit loop. I'm gonna wait it out and give a good smack like I always do wit' da crowbar.
It's about timin'. Gimmie a moment.
GOOD WORK, CROWBAR. THE BOWLER IS WHERE IT IS MEANT TO BE. ATOP MY PERFECTLY SHAPED CRANIUM.
No problem, boss.
I'VE SEEN QUITE ENOUGH.
Close your eyes.
CALL ME TODD HOWARD THE WAY THAT THIS SHIT JUST WORKS.
✨🍭🕷️ okay todd howard 🕷️🍭✨
I HAVE ARMED THE SALAMANDER WITH A TOMMYGUN.
IF IT HAS A NAME IT IS ESOTERICA. IT IS A CONSORT. IT IS A SALAMANDER. IT IS WEARING A FELT GREEN DRESS AND WIELDING A TOMMYGUN.
Esoterica it is.
no uh her name is casey and like shes my daughter and can you give her a sword not a tommygun
CASEY, IS IT? INTERESTING. IN ANY EVENT, NO, FUCK YOU. I HAVE ALREADY DISPENSED A TOMMYGUN INTO CASEY'S POSSESSION.
youre a damn time god cant you just give her a sword its cooler
it is
STRIDER YOU MEGALOMANIAC FUCK, GET THE FUCK OFF MY POST. I AM NOT ARGUING WITH YOU ABOUT WHETHER TOMMYGUNS ARE COOLER THAN SWORDS (THEY ARE, BUT I'M NOT GOING TO ARGUE WITH YOU ABOUT IT).
later skully bitch
An excellent choice. She will certainly find your gift and the addition of the battleaxe to be a most transformative experience.
I FEEL EXTREMELY MOTHERHONKING BONITA.
...bonita, sir?
I'm... glad yer feelin' bonita, Boss.
GOLF BALLS. INFERIOR LITTLE WHITE PLASTIC FUCKS COMPARED TO THE SUPERIORITY OF THE URBANE, SOPHISTICATED POOL BALL. WHEN I SHOW THESE MOOKS MY LOW PAR 70, THEY WILL KNOW THAT LORD ENGLISH DOES NOT FUCK ABOUT WHEN IT COMES TO CHOPPING THE TURF.
This guy fondling balls and shit.
Okay, ball fondler.
This is just like that, Dane.
DID YOU KNOW THAT YOU CAN JUST TAKE WAVE-PARTICLE DUALITY? YOU CAN JUST TAKE IT FROM ELECTRONS AND SHIT. NO ONE WILL STOP YOU. YOU CAN JUST TAKE IT. IT'S LIKE DUCKS AT THE PARK.
WHAT CAN I SAY? I JUST VALUE MY BOYS. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/4b69a935e47e.png
"Who could have done this?" HE ASKS. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/817b349c7ba4.png
Look, Itchy. We're trying to find the guy who did this. We're getting to the bottom of this.
Always hated Troll McDonalds. I don't make it a habit to visit Alternia for the same reason normal people don't go into tight cave systems; it's a fuckin' death sentence. But Troll McDonalds is a special hell, where the establishment smells like deep fried roach and soiled diapers, the patrons are loud, chittering (heyo!) and obnoxious, and worst of all, the meat ain't even that good. What my boss wants, he gets, though.
MY FELT. THERE'S ANOTHER JOB THAT'S JUST COME THROUH THE ROTARY. I'M MOTHERFUCKING HUNGRY AS A SHIT, ON SOME HUNGRY HUNGRY TIME DEMON SHIT, AND WANT ONE OF MY BOYS TO STOP SOMEWHERE ON THEIR WAY BACK TO THE MANOR. YOU CAN GET YOURSELVES SOMETHING IF YOU WANT, WE'RE PUTTING IT ON MEENAH'S BILL. GET MCDONALD'S. I'D PREFER CULVER'S, BUT THERE AIN'T NO MOTHERHONKING CULVER'S ON ALTERNIA. GET A LARGE OREO MCFLURRY, IF THE ICE CREAM MACHINE IS BROKEN, KILL THE CASHIER. TELL THEM TO GIVE US FRIES WITHOUT SALT, SO THEY MAKE A FRESH BATCH. I'M STILL GOING TO PUT SALT ON THEM, MY FELT. ALSO GET TWO HAPPY MEALS FOR SCRATCH AND DAMARA. DAMARA WILL BREAK HER TOY SO I'M GONNA HAVE IT INSTEAD. SEE YOU SOON, MY FELT.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll get your damn nuggets.
psst crowbar theyre asking what drinks they want with those happy meals they only serve coke products here is dr pepper fine? do you know everyones soda preferences?
no drinks on me, t)(anks
Uhhh, fuck, just get the regular coke. Can't go wrong wit' da classics.
okay! i just have heard theres been wars over coke vs pepsi so i tried to err on the side of caution! if condy doesnt want her drink though i hope she doesnt mind if i have it... i deserve a little treat right?
yea)( fuck it take t)(e coke. im not a soda gal. im more of a sparklin water kinda bitc)(.
ARADIA. SO YOU ARE THE INTERN THAT I HAVE ALREADY HEARD AND SEEN SO MUCH ABOUT, WELL BEFORE THE BEGINNING OF THE TENURE OF YOUR INTERNSHIP. YOU WILL LOOK VERY DASHING IN GREEN. GET YOURSELF WHAT YOU LIKE. AN UNFED INTERN IS AN INEFFICIENT INTERN.
ive always got that impression madam you have the figure of a sparklin water kinda bitch
yes sir! i never imagined green would be my color but im sure i can grow into it! and a mccrispy and one of those mocha lattes will certainly help me grow into it!